Tonight I went to the movies with N., the door-opening guy. We saw the Jack Black movie "School of Rock", which was pretty funny and I wouldn't mind getting it if/when it gets released on DVD. Probably cos I like the classic rock stuff and this movie was certainly full of that! And I guess if I were tortured I would probably have to admit I have a weird kind of attraction for Jack Black, (and that school uniform...mmm! hehe)

N. is a sweety and good company. He seems nervous around me, probably cos we don't know each other very well yet. But then maybe that's just him, because he's the quiet type and you never really know what goes on in the minds of the quiet ones! And anyway I don't mind, I find awkwardness in guys kind of cute, hehe.

I like friendships where I immediately "click" with the other person and it's like we've known each other for years, but those friendships can become very emotionally draining. Sometimes it's nice to go out and not have to be concerned with intensity or emotionalism or serious conversations about life and the universe. Sometimes it's nice just to hang out and let things develop over time.

I've been training the new employee at work to take over from me on the invoicing side of things. My boss tells me this is so that I can concentrate on the administrative part of my job and so that I can go back to working part-time again but I think it's probably because they want to fire me. I am pretty good at temp work so I don't think I will have a problem finding another job if that happens. So I guess I'll just have to wait and see!

Oh, and 10 more sleeps until Zathiel arrives!!! He is arriving on the 5th of December and staying till the 10th so don't expect to see any journal entries for that time period, hehe.

• Listening to: Annoying & catchy "Whistle Song" by PJ Olsson (downloaded from the Starburst website)
• Feeling: Bored and restless
• Eating/drinking: Monte Carlo biscuits and cherry coke
• Wearing: Trackpants and "baseball" shirt

Tuesday 25/11/03 4:45pm -

On Sunday I heard a sermon on the importance of maintaining connections in life. It was said that God through his Divine Wisdom gives us many opportunities to “connect” with life, and that not all of them are necessarily spiritual. It is in or through these connections to life – through church, family, work, etc. – that we connect to and find a source of hope. When we allow our hearts to become hardened towards one of these connections, through bitterness or trials, the connection dies and we lose the hope as well.

I have recently made a friendship connection in my life that brings me a lot of inspiration and hope. But being who I am virtually ensures that the connection can’t or won’t last. Being the way I am means I will inevitably hurt myself and the other person involved. And I think that even if I wanted to change myself, it’s too late in the game for that.

But for now I need this. For now I need to pretend to myself that this will last, that I can be a different person and that I deserve this connection in my life. I don’t think there’s wrong with finding and enjoying hope and happiness, even if it is a temporary condition. I think we all need a little bit of love and hope in our lives from time to time.

But then why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel like I'm only borrowing something that wasn’t meant for me in the first place? Like Icarus, I'm flying too high. And like Icarus I'll come crashing down to earth when the hot sun of reality melts my wings. I just pray to God it will be a while yet before that happens.

• Listening to: The phone conversations of people in my office
• Feeling: Wired UP!!
• Eating/drinking: COFFEEEEEE
• Wearing: Suit pants and white linen shirt with pink/red/orange floral print

Sunday/Monday 24/11/03 1:45am -

Starting tomorrow, as part of a new "health regime", I've made a commitment to walk to and from work every day, and also to cut out a lot of the junkfood from my diet. Although considering it's 12:42 in the a.m. i think getting to work on time will be the real challenege, let alone walking there!!

I'm at a very weird place at the moment. For the first time in a long time I feel mentally stable, and I really think I am going to be okay. But where other aspects of my life are concerned - emotional, spiritual, etc. - I seem to be in a constant state of confusion. I'm vague and unsure of what I want, which is strange for me because I usually know what I want and have some idea how to get it.

Right now I am so fed up with Church. I'm not having a faith crisis, I'm just having an "organized religion" crisis. I have issues with the way things are run at my church, and for a while I've been toying with the idea of not attending there anymore. So today I went to another church, a bigger and more organized church, that is much closer to me. I had a great time there and met up with quite a few people that I know from the local area.

Then tonight I went to the 'mega' church that's about an hour's drive away and had a great time there as well. But at both churches the messages coming through loud and clear were: "Stay connected", "be patient and wait for God's timing", "don't let obstacles and trials discourage you", etc. So now I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble... if I leave there will be double... hehe okay sorry (that was a song reference by the way).

Anyway it's now much later than when I started this so I will continue this tomorrow, give myself a chance to sleep and also to clear my head a little as well.

• Listening to: My computer whirring
• Feeling: Stark
• Eating/drinking: Had McD's for tea
• Wearing: cargo pants and pink/brown striped button up shirt