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NEVER CLOSE ENOUGH
(PG)
Though confinement to grounds had not included her, Kathryn refused to leave until every last member of her crew was free to go. Physically exhausted and mentally drained, she hurried to her temporary quarters to pack with one thought on her mind. To go home. Unpleasant thoughts were pushed down the instant they surfaced. Seven years of practice had made her very good at it. There would be time later to mourn the loss of a crew turned family. For now she wanted only to reconnect with the family she'd left behind. Later, she would suffer the pangs of regret over missed opportunities and poor decisions. Now was the time to rejoice. While homecoming had been wonderful, it was also painfully different than the one she had long imagined. Kathryn had been in her quarters only a few minutes and was gathering her toiletries when someone knocked softly at her door. She ignored it, but the second knock prompted her to answer. The sooner they entered, the sooner she could get rid of them. "It's open!" Of all the people she did not want to see, the two who walked in as she emerged from the bathroom were at the top of the list. Her eyes passed over them quickly and dismissively before she leaned down to put her things into an open case on the bed. "Yes?" From the corner of her vision she saw Seven look at Chakotay, who nodded, then turn back toward her. "Captain," the young woman said quietly as she hesitantly stepped forward. "I know you are anxious to be with your family. I will only take a moment of your time." The lack of Seven's normal confidence registered with Kathryn. She shoved in the last item then straightened with hands on her hips. Surprised by the vulnerability on Seven's face, and more so by the tears in her eyes, Kathryn's own expression softened. "What is it, Seven?" she asked gently. "It is difficult...to express how… important you are to me. Your patience and guidance, your...friendship, have meant a great deal to me. I...I wanted you to know." Kathryn approached her and gently grasped her upper arms. "You talk as if we won't see each other again," she said with a soft smile. "My door will always be open to you. Seven." It dawned on her that Seven's homecoming had probably been more traumatic than anyone else's on board. In the blink of an eye, she'd lost her home on Voyager and now faced separation from her entire family. Her 'collective'. "We will always be a family, and families look after each other. Just because we won't be living together doesn't mean you can't come to me, to any of us, at any time. Do you understand?" Seven appeared relieved and nodded once, then looked at Chakotay over her shoulder. He smiled and nodded in agreement. There was a faint smile on her lips when she turned back to Kathryn. "Thank you, Captain. It is comforting to know." Kathryn patted her arm then stepped back. "What are your immediate plans?" "Commander Chakotay will accompany me to my Aunt's home." "I'm sure you'll both enjoy your visit with her," Kathryn said with a smile that no longer reached her eyes. Over Seven's shoulder, she saw Chakotay look down at the floor rather than meet her gaze. "I hope you will contact me when you return." "Yes, Captain. Starfleet has offered me a position and I would..." Chakotay quickly moved to her side and quietly interrupted. "Perhaps you can discuss that with Captain Janeway at a later time, Seven. I need a brief word with her before we leave. Will you please wait for me in the lobby?" "Of course." She turned back to Kathryn. "Goodbye. Enjoy your leave." Chakotay's announcement that he wanted to speak with her in private had surprised Kathryn and it took her a moment to answer. "Thank you, Seven. Goodbye." Before the door closed behind Seven, Kathryn walked to the small closet and reached inside for several hanging garments. "I hope you don't mind if I pack while we talk." She turned around to see Chakotay tugging at his ear. "Actually, I do mind." Kathryn's eyes narrowed slightly as she folded the clothing over one arm and waited for him to say his piece. "After Seven is settled at her aunt's, I'll be spending a couple weeks in Ohio with my cousin." "And you're telling me this why?" "I want it very clear that Seven and I are no longer seeing each other." Kathryn disregarded his wishes and began to remove the hangers from her clothing. "Your personal life is no concern of mine," she said stiffly as she quickly folded a blouse into the case. "If that's true, why are you so angry?" "Because I should be in Indiana right now!" she cried, the bitterness surprising even her. "Not having this pointless conversation with you!" "Pointless?" Chakotay said firmly as his hands settled on his hips. "Oh, there's definitely a point, Kathryn!" "Then by all means, make it so you can leave!" His anger had quickly risen to match hers and he clearly had difficulty speaking in a normal tone. "Fine. Here it is. When I get back, we WILL discuss what we SHOULD have years ago. There is nothing to stop us now." Kathryn's look of shock was quickly replaced by a glare. If she had been angry before at his forcing this unwanted meeting on her, she was livid at being ordered about. She stalked over to stand in front of him and spoke with clenched jaw. "Tread lightly, Chakotay. You do not dictate what I will and will not do. Is that clear?" Both breathed heavily with the depth of their emotions and they stared at one another for a long moment before Chakotay responded in a low voice. "The only thing I'm clear on is this." In one swift move he yanked her to him and slammed his mouth on hers. Stunned, Kathryn looked at him wide-eyed for a few seconds before she began to struggle. Chakotay held her firm in an iron grip and continued to kiss her almost punishingly, oblivious to her attempts. When he forced his tongue into her mouth and she bit it, he flinched slightly but held her captive and continued the brutal kiss. Kathryn's struggles became weaker and when she tasted his blood, she surrendered. The moment she went limp in his grasp, closed her eyes and began to return the kiss, Chakotay released her and abruptly stepped away. Both were breathless, his expression cold and hard while hers was of disbelief. Chakotay dragged the back of a hand across his mouth, wiping away the blood. "THAT is how I lived out there. Always so close, but never close enough. I couldn't do it any more, Kathryn, and I turned to someone else. I can't change that. I can only hope you understand, and pray you'll see your way clear to finally give us a chance. All I ask is that you think about it." With that he turned and left the room Kathryn jumped when the door slammed behind him then stared at it as she slowly lifted a trembling hand to her mouth. Her lips still stung with the fierce kiss and she still tasted his blood. Blood she had drawn. The door blurred out of focus as tears filled her eyes and she moved on weak legs back to the bedside to resume packing. Even as she fumbled with shaking hands to fold the clothing and press it into the case, and as her tears left small dark circles where they fell, a smile began to spread across Kathryn Janeway's face.
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