SMASH THE STATE
A weekly television series of political satire and commentary
Saturday, April 20, 1996
* The Monologue
* The Bottom Ten List:
"The Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be President"
* The Official Report
* Double Talk:
"Clinton and Dole Offer a Real Choice"
* Viewer E-Mail
_________________________________________________________________
THE MONOLOGUE
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996
(Live from Austin -- where the pavement of the main street,
Congress Avenue, will be reinforced to handle the extra weight of
city buses just before the bus routes are being moved off of
Congress Avenue -- it's Saturday night. And now for something
completely dissident, here's Gary!)
Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to
our show.
(1) Smash the State tonight declares itself an anti-
terrorism program. That way, if anyone dares to criticize us, we
can reply, "You're not for terrorism, are you?" Now that we are
calling ourselves an anti-terrorism program, anyone who objects
to us must be for terrorism.
(2) Speaking of terrorists, the FBI finished searching the
cabin of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynski. Then, following
tradition, the FBI rammed it with tanks and burned it to the
ground.
(3) President Clinton is going to star as himself in a CBS
movie. It is the story of a dying girl whose wish is to meet the
President of the United States. In the film, she gets a big
surprise when she meets President Clinton in person. And she gets
an even bigger surprise when he drops his pants.
(4) Austin City Council Member Jackie Goodman, who is
running for re-election, said this week that she was unaware that
she had been indicted 26 years ago for possession of marijuana. I
guess marijuana does tend to have that effect on people.
_________________________________________________________________
THE BOTTOM TEN LIST
"The Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be President"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996
Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand this week's Bottom
Ten List. From the state headquarters on Cesar Chavez Street, the
category is the Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be
President.
The Unabomber has become a cult hero. There is even a
Unabomber for President political action committee. Here are the
Bottom Ten Reasons the Unabomber Should be President.
Minus 10, Forget Star Wars. He could just mail nuclear weapons to
our enemies.
Minus 9, Like Yassir Arafat, Nelson Mandela, and other former
terrorists, he would be eligible for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Minus 8, He would save the taxpayers money by not using the
electricity or indoor plumbing in the White House.
Minus 7, With the Unabomber in the White House, Postal workers
would be too scared to be disgruntled.
Minus 6, Instead of that boring, obsolete State of the Union
address, he would deliver an exciting annual 35,000-word
manifesto.
Minus 5, Out: the Presidenial limosine. In: a shiny, new bicycle.
Out: Air Force One. In: Greyhound Bus One.
Minus 4, The era of big government would really be over. Rather
than abolishing bureaucracies, his mail bombs would be
demolishing bureaucracies.
Minus 3, "Hail to the Chief" would be replaced with "Pop Goes the
Weasel."
Minus 2, At last, a real environmentalist in the White House!
And the Minus 1 reason the Unabomber should be President,
President Unabomber would have vetoed the Anti-Terrorism Bill.
We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this
be treason, make the most of it.
_________________________________________________________________
"No man is wise enough or good enough to be trusted with unlimted
power."
-- Charles Caleb Colton
_________________________________________________________________
THE OFFICIAL REPORT
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996
This is the Official Report. The stories you are about to
hear are true.
THE STATE OF THE WORLD
(1) The Minnesota Republican Party hired cameraman Alan
Lloyd to videotape Democrats napping at their desks and in other
embarrassing poses on the floor of the state House. When Lloyd
showed up for work at the Capitol, "They gave me a seating chart
with the Democratic side circled in blue, with little notes
saying things like, 'This guy sleeps a lot.'" The videotaping
ended when the Democrats figured out what Lloyd was up to.
Democrats called the taping sleazy.
(2) North Carolina Congressman T. Cass Ballenger, a
Republican, charged in a press release that his regulatory-reform
bill was vetoed by President Clinton due to "election-year
politics." In fact, the bill never got out of committee and a
Ballenger spokeswoman said the release was in error.
(3) The U.S. Postal Service is considered a change to speed
up delivery of its Priority Mail: The post office began taking
bids from private companies to operate parcel sorting centers.
Not allowed to make bids were the government agency's major
competitors, Federal Express and United Parcel Service. The
proposal drew prompt criticism from the American Postal Workers
Union, which has continually fought against private contractors.
THE NEW WORLD ORDER
(4) Liquor is heavily taxed in Finland. Tourists from Russia
and other former Soviet republics routinely turn a quick profit
by selling duty-free alcohol and cigarettes during day-trips to
the Nordic country. The Interior Ministry estimated that 2
million quarts of illegal alcohol were sold in Finland in 1995,
most of it brought from Russia across the 790-mile-long border.
The state retail liquor monopoly Alko reported a 10-percent drop
in revenues, mainly due to illegal sales and duty-free alcohol
imports by Finns.
In Helsinki, Parliament took action to curb the illegal
liquor sales caused by the difference in taxes: It banned
duty-free imports by citizens of Russia and other former Soviet
republics who remain in Finland for less than 72 hours.
TO PROTECT AND SERVE
(5) He was once a cause celebre. A popular song was written
about him. Rubin "Hurricane" Carter spent 19 years in prison for
a murder he said he did not commit. A contender for the world
middleweight boxing title in the 1960's, Carter, who is black,
was arrested in Patterson, New Jersey, in 1966 and charged with
killing three white men. In 1986, a judge ruled that racism and
the withholding of evidence had caused him to be jailed unfairly.
Last week, Hurricane Carter was arrested as he left a
restaurant in Toronto, Canada. Inspector Jim Martin said Carter
matched the description given by an officer of a suspect in his
30's. Martin admitted it was unusual to arrest Carter, who is 60
years old, said the discrepency could be explained because Carter
was in such good physical fitness.
(6) A security camera in a convenience store recorded three
Buffalo, New York, police officers helping themselves to munchies
during burglary calls. The videotape showed no one was in the
store each of the two times police arrived after alarm calls on a
Saturday night, but the camera captured them eating potato chips,
candy bars, and soda pulled from the shelves.
Officers Michael Brown, Larry White and Jerry Stover were
placed on paid suspension. But District Attorney Kevin Dillon
said he would not file charges against the officers because the
videotape was made public only after the store owner sold it to a
television station for $200.
(7) A British citizen smoked a cigarette in a lavatory on a
United Airlines flight from London to Washington, D.C., while
covering the smoke detector with his arm. He resisted efforts by
the crew and passengers to get him out of the lavatory and an
attendant was hit on the bridge of her nose and the first officer
suffered a cut knuckle. The passenger, Jantzen Shaun Coles,
pleaded guilty before a U.S. District Judge to interfering with
flight attendants. He was sentenced to 30 months in prison.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
(8) The federal income tax is so complex that many
government officials who enforce and write the tax laws do not
prepare their own returns. The Commissioner of Internal Revenue,
Margaret Milner Richardson, is a tax lawyer, but she hires a
professional to do her return.
The New York Times reported that, of the 37 members of the
House Ways and Means Committee, 30 said they hired professionals,
only 4 prepared their own returns, and 3 declined to comment or
did not respond. Of the 19 on the Senate Finance Committee, 15
hired a tax preparer, 2 did their own, and 2 had no comment.
The chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee,
Congressman Bill Archer, boasted that he was "the first Ways and
Means chairman to do his own taxes." But the Wall Street Journal
reported that, after spending 16 hours on his return, Archer
filed for an extension.
READ MY LIPS
(9) Walter Mondale, who ran against Bob Dole in 1976 for
Vice President, says Dole is beatable. "Even I beat him."
(10) Finally, the quotation of the week. Communist China
allows only a few people to own guns, but many guns are acquired
on the black market. The government's solution is to reduce the
number of people allowed to carry firearms. Says the official
newspaper China Daily, "Despite a nationwide crackdown on illegal
production and smuggling of firearms launched by the Ministry of
Public Security, illicit gun ownership is becoming a threat to
public order."
And that's the Official Report, where you hear it's farce.
_________________________________________________________________
DOUBLE TALK
"Clinton and Dole Offer a Real Choice"
By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 20, 1996
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole offer us a real choice.
There is a big difference between them.
Bob Dole is a conservative. He is an extremist on the far
right controlled by the right-wing of the Republican Party.
All of us Democrats are united behind President Clinton and
we are supporting him with enthusiasm. With Bill Clinton at the
top of the ticket, his candidacy will help the Democratic Party.
President Clinton is not just another wishy-washy political
hack who has changed his position on the issues after consulting
the latest opinion polls; no he is not like Bob Dole. Bill
Clinton is a consistent man of principles and integrity.
He will run of his record of his many accomplishments.
With Bill Clinton and Bob Dole on the ballot, thoughtful
voters will have no trouble deciding which to vote for.
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole offer us a real choice.
There is a big difference between them.
Bill Clinton is a liberal. He is an extremist on the far
left controlled by the left-wing of the Democratic Party.
All of us Republicans are united behind Senator Dole and we
are supporting him with enthusiasm. With Bob Dole at the top of
the ticket, his candidacy will help the Republican Party.
Senator Dole is not just another wishy-washy political hack
who has changed his position on the issues after consulting the
latest opinion polls; no, he is not like Bill Clinton. Bob Dole
is a consistent man of principles and integrity.
He will run of his record of his many accomplishments.
With Bill Clinton and Bob Dole on the ballot, thoughtful
voters will have no trouble deciding which to vote for.
(ON THE LEFT)
Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal
pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong
reasons.
The one thing this country really does not need now is
extremism. The people do not want radical change from the status
quo. Having a President who is willing to compromise discourages
the special interests from making unreasonable demands.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
(ON THE RIGHT)
Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo
pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the
wrong reasons.
The one thing this country really does not need now is
extremism. The people do not want radical change from the status
quo. Having a President who is willing to compromise discourages
the special interests from making unreasonable demands.
But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative.
_________________________________________________________________
VIEWER E-MAIL
Smash the State, April 20, 1996
Smash the State is on the Internet. Visit our web site at
http://members.aol.com/sedition .
Smash the State welcomes electronic mail from viewers.
Here is some actual mail from actual viewers. Letter number
1. (Felix "Skip" Meyer, Austin, Texas)
This is from Felix "Skip" Meyer.
"Dear Mr. Authority: Is Bob Dole related to the Dole
Pineapple Company people and fortune? And, if so, shouldn't he be
tending to his pineapples instead of running his mouth off as he
runs for President? -- Signed, An Oxymoron"
Dear Ox: No, Bob Dole has nothing to do with fruits. In
fact, at one time he even refused to take a donation from the Log
Cabin Republicans. But, being Bob Dole, he then changed his mind
and took the money anyway.
Send us your electronic mail. We may read it on the air. Our
e-mail address is sedition@aol.com .
_________________________________________________________________
That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday,
April 20, 1996, a date which will live in infamy.
Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The
revolution will be televised.
_________________________________________________________________
(
geocities.com/capitolhill)