| Summary of Briefing No. 6042879 In the Case of Loinnir McCotter - Feinian Memorandum To: John Major, PM From:  , Minister of
Emergency Situations
Date: 23, November 1997 RE: Dangerous Situations arising from the Feinian  To wit, the child in
custody is ever so dangerous, sir. In fact we have prepared a report as to the
possible situations that could arise; resulting in the need to detain said
Feinian and mother. Upon my reading and subsequent re-reading of enclosed
report, I am of the opinion that said Feinian is quite the danger to the United
Kingdom, most of the Commonwealth, half of the territories occupied, and at
lease one American Colony..Situational Report Loinnir McCotter - Fenian Background of Case Word was originally
received from Un-named informant Fred, on the streets of Coalisland, that the
immanent birth of a "super-baby" was going to happen. Realising the
serious nature of having such a "super-baby" on the streets, Un-named
informant Fred quickly made such facts known to our office. Upon the subsequent
investigation of these allegations, it was determined that they were not just
allegations, they were accusations as well!Un-named
informant Fred was then paid the customary amount for his services, along with a
bonus of £5,000 for his superior diligence in the face of such a "super-baby."
After contacting commanders as to the situation, tea was made and consumed.The
following day, contact was made with the Official (non-existent) Office of
Reasonably Plausible Excuses, where information was manufactured that would
allow for the detention of said "Super-baby." Unfortunately, said "super-baby"
being of the un-born variety, said information provided to our department by
officials of the Official (non-existent) Office of Reasonably Plausible Excuses,
was employed to apprehend said "super-baby." With said "super-baby"
safely off the streets, and peace returning to said streets, the only problems
that could arise would be a backlash by people unaware of the "super"
dangers of said "super-baby" in custody. This matter was then
referred to the Ministry of Ignorance to be thoroughly ignored for a period of
eight months.Dangers of "Super-babies" in the United Kingdom Danger #1: Bottle Feeding and Public Health Reports of "super-babies"
from around the globe, prove one thing clearly, "super-babies" can
turn seemingly innocent items into lethal weapons, destroying whole cities in
their paths. Japanese experience with "super-babies" have been
documented in many films, shown on late night TV. One report out of the country
of Hildabran (officially, a non-existent country) details the devastating effect
one such "super-baby" had in late 1957:said
'super-baby' then crushed the Hildebran City National Bank with one blow from
said 'super-baby's' feeding bottle.Danger #2: Nappies It may not be obvious
to you, but "super-babies" produce "super-messy" nappies,
the likes of which Saddam Hussein would be envious of. Along with the obvious
consequences of such "super-nappies," landfill space would fill-up at
quite an alarming rate, creating a situation the likes of which has not been
seen in the Kingdome since the Thatcher days. (A personal note: has the Prime
Minister been able to "de-Thatcherize" No. 10 yet?)Danger #3: "Super-babies" = "Super-spills" If the
floods in the United States are a gauge, (and we believe that a Canadian "super-baby"
in Saskatchewan caused them,) the country could be completely flooded by just
one "super-baby" bottle spill. Currently, British scientists are hard
at work on a "super-sippy-cup" to prevent this from happening.Danger #4: After all, she IS Irish Conclusions Upon consideration of
the aforementioned dangers, and consultation with the Ministers at the Official
(non-existent) Office of Reasonably Plausible Excuses, it is our recommendation
that both the mother (Roisin McAliskey) and the as yet un-born "super-baby"
be detained for an undetermined period. The Official (non-existent) Office of
Reasonably Plausible Excuses, excuse is beautifully simple, we'll blame the
Germans.Submitted this day, the 23rd day of November 1996. |
