 As "peace"
talks enter their sixth month in Belfast, people on the street are wondering,
just what the hell is going on at Stormont Castle. Trimble, ever the upstanding
citizen and role model, still refuses to speak to Sinn Féin, The
Arch-Bigot Paisley refuses to speak to anyone, and Gary McMichael is getting the
outside of the windows all foggy. |
| With all of
the posturing going on, it's no wonder that we aren't any closer to a
settlement. Bertie claims that a resolution is possible by Easter, (guess he's looking for something to overshadow that
pesky commemoration this Easter.). What exactly is going on in Stormont
Castle? The negotiators enter the building, the reporters take their pictures,
the negotiators leave the building, hold a press conference, and we still don't
know what's going on. Well..... |
| Through our
diligent research, intrepid repoting skills, and an inside source, we've
discovered the truth about at least what the Unionists are occuping their time
with...Dance. |
| The
folllowing exclusive pictures, smuggled out of Stormont with great difficulty
and personal risk, prove beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the reason the
Unionists seem to be stalling the talks, is Michael Flatley. You read
that correctly, Michael Flatley is personally responsible for the lack of
progress at the talks. " But how?" you say. Simple...Lord of the
Dance Fever has swept through the Shankill like a firestorm, no Unionist is safe
from it's evil grasp. |
|
| The
following photo's may prove too disturbing for younger viewers. Parental
supervision is STRONGLY reccommended. |
 |
Case #1
This first photo was
snapped in December, when Lord of the Dance Fever was not quite an epidemic.
Although the grainy quality of the photo makes it difficult to make out detail,
one can plainly make out Mr. Trimble.
One of the
tell-tale signs that a patient is suffering from LotD Fever, is the unique
clothing they are compelled to dress in. |
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|
 |
Case #2
As you can see from
this photo taken in Early January, no Unionist is safe from the clutches of LotD
Fever. Mr. Ervine is said to currently be in the late steges of the disese,
which is characterised by severe panting, and pention toward public sweating. |
|
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Case #3
Perhaps the most
disturbing aspect of LotD Fever, is that it can strike anyone, at any time, no
matter how strong or weak their Unionist leanings may be. |
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Case #4
At a surprise press
conference this week, President McAleese announced that she has infected herself
with LotD Fever, in a show of solidarity with the Unionist people. Bishop Daly
immediately condemmed her actions as blasphemous and distructive. |
Although this outbreak of LotD Fever is reaching epidemic proportions,
there is no need for alarm. If you are reading this, you are most likely immune
to the dreaded disease. But please take these precautions:
- Please limit your Lord of the Dance and
Original Riverdance video viewing to no more than once a week.
- Refrain from intimate contact with any infected
individuals. (And in Trimble's case, that won't
be hard to do.)
- If you see Michael Flatley, DO NOT APPROACH
HIM. He should be considered spangled and dangerous.
- If you do come in contact with a LotD Fever
victim, proceed to your nearest pub, order a pint, sit on your hands, and drink
until your coordination is severly impaired. This may just save your
self-esteem.
- Do not, under any circumstances, wear leather
pants. It is believed that the leather holds LotD Fever in the body, rendering
the sufferer unable to set dances properly again.
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| © 1998 by Míchéal Ó
Reilly, All Rights Reserved. Any reproduction prohibited without written
approval. |
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