Random Humor
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
The young man working in the produce department of a large grocery store was approached by a customer who said he wanted to buy half a head of lettuce. The young man was taken aback somewhat and indicated he would have to check with the store manager. So the produce clerk went to the store manager's office for instruction. He stood in the doorway of the office and said, "There's some dumbhead out here who wants to buy just half a head of lettuce." Then, noticing that the customer had come up behind him, he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager said, "Sell it."
Later, the manager sought out this young man and complimented him on his quick wit and intelligence in the way he had side-stepped a potentially sticky situation. "You are just the kind of man we want in management. In fact, I want you to take over our biggest store in Montreal."
The clerk responded, "Montreal!! The only people who come from there are hookers and hockey players! Why would I want to go to Montreal?!"
When the manager said icily, "My wife happens to be from Montreal," the clerk came right back with, "Really? What position does she play?"
One day, while Bill Clinton is jogging, he comes across a little boy
looking into a cardboard box and says, "Hey kid, what's in the box?"
The kid says, "My dog just had puppies".
Bill Clinton asks him what kind of dogs they are. "These are Democrat puppies", answers the kid.
The next day Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham are out walking and come upon the same kid. Bill Clinton with a big grin says, "Hey kid, tell my wife what kind of puppies you done got there."
The kid says, "Republican puppies".
Bill Clinton, a bit embarrassed and confused, says, "But kid, yesterday you told me that them there were Democrat puppies."
The kid says, "That's right. But last night they opened their eyes."
I don't agree with this joke at all, because if the sheep,
sorry -- puppies, really opened their eyes, they would definitely
not be Republicans (or Democrats, for that matter).
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could,
getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived. She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all! Zowie! Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I
loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. Chris promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves..
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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