~ Rush Limbaugh
A football fan was in the stadium watching the Super-Bowl, but his seat was way up in the nose-bleed section and he was thinking he should have stayed home and watched it on TV. Suddenly he noticed an empty seat way down near the field, so he sauntered down there and sidled over to the seat and sat down to see if anyone would chase him away. After sitting in the seat a few minutes and having no one accost him for sitting there, the fan turned to the man next to him and said, "I can't believe that no one is using this seat!" The man turned to him and said, "Oh, that's all right. I paid for the seat. You're perfectly welcome to use it." Astonished, the fan inquired, "But don't you have anyone to use the seat?" The man replied, "Well, really there isn't anybody. You see, I bought that seat for my wife of 30 years, but two days ago she died." "What?!", exclaimed the fan, "Oh, I'm so sorry for bringing the subject up. But surely there was some family member or friend who would have loved to use this seat!" "No", the man explained, "There really wasn't. They're all attending the funeral." ~ Bada-Boom!
~ Bada-Boom!
~ Sikë Doodle
~ Monte Markham
Sherlock Holmes and his trusty sidekick Dr. Watson are out camping, lying back looking up at the stars. Dr. Watson: "Holmes, to what do you credit your fantastic powers of deduction?" Sherlock: "Precise observation of the obvious, Dr. Watson. Precise observation of the obvious." Dr. Watson: "Could you explain that a bit?" Sherlock: "Carefully observing the sky above us, Dr. Watson, tell me what you deduce?" Dr. Watson: "Well, Astronomically: Calculating from the Big Dipper, if we were to stand straight up we would be facing South-Southwest. Astrologically: Neptune is on the cusp of Scorpius." Sherlock: "That's Uranus Watson. Uranus!" Dr. Watson: "Oh, well, you're quite correct of course, Holmes...uh..well, Meteorlogically: Since we can see all the stars, it must be night, and a cloudless one at that. But since the moon is that nice ruddy color, I would predict that we shall be plagued with rain before morning. There, Holmes. How's that?" Sherlock: "Watson, you have completely missed the obvious." Dr. Watson: "But Holmes! Whatever else could one deduce from observing the sky?!" Sherlock: "Well, Obviously: SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR FRIGGIN' TENT!" ~ Monte Markham
Hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to........ SANTA!
~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
Three men, a German, a French and a Chinese were going on a camping trip. The German pretty much took charge, and planned what each should do to insure a successful outing. "I'll Collect wood. Frenchie, you set up the camp, and Chen, you take care of the supplies." Later that evening, the wood was collected, the camp was all set up, and the German and Frenchman were very hungry and wondering what the heck had happened to the Chinaman. Off a sudden, one of the bags starts to shake and Chen jumps out of it yelling "Supplize!, Supplize!" ~ Bada-Boom!
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what's your opinion about the meat shortage?" The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?" The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?" ~ Rankin!
~ Rankin!
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret." "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... But you should see the size of my cucumbers!? ~ Bada-Boom!
You know what they say: "In hurricanes, you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows!"
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton were in a limousine on the way to a meeting. A tornado swept by, picked them up, and plopped them down in the Land of Oz. When they realized where they were, Dan Quayle said, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!" Newt Gingrich said, I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" And Bill Clinton said, "I wonder where Dorothy is?" ~ Anon E. Muss
~ Anon E. Muss
If progress is desirable, and the opposite of pro is con - what does that say about congress? ~ BUNI
~ BUNI
" An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple he found asleep in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." ""Dear," the wife hissed, "I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're really cute, sweetie!" ~ Bada-Boom!
"Paula Jones says she can identify certain anomalies on Bill Clinton's sex-organs. He'd better be careful - Hillary has been known to shred evidence!" ~ Bada-Boom!
Hey, didja hear the news? The I.R.S. says it's "contrite" for targeting poor folk, lying about the tax laws, using confidential files for personal reasons and all that rot. They say they're sorry! And to show they mean it, they're offering a free Brooklyn Bridge with each audit! ~ Bada-Boom!
I hear that Clinton and Gore are coming out with a blanket denial of all charges. They don't know nuthin' bout no investments, no phone calls, no trou-dropping, - and she said she was 19! ~ Rankin!
Say! Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? ~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
You can sure tell it's Fall in D.C.! All the tourists are gathering round to watch Al Gore change his story! ~ Rankin!
Cyber-Sex? Why, the World Wide Web is the Perfect Prophylactic!
You never step in the same river once. ~ Prof. Shinglehopper
~ Prof. Shinglehopper
Shaved pussy? Sure! I love it! But that 5 o'clock shadow is mur-der! ~ Monte Markham
A friend of mine used to be O. J. Simpson's girlfriend for a while, but he was such a lousy lover that he kicked her out because during sex she kept calling out the names of other killers. ~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
So Lucy comes home to Ricky, all in tears. "Why Honey! Whatever is wrong?!" "Oh, it's just that my driving-test examiner..he flunked me!" "But why? didn't you study for the exam?" "Oh yes, but..but I don't think he liked me!" "He didn't like you! What makes you think that?" "Well, it was the way he..he screamed all those terrible things at me...as they loaded him into the ambulance!" ~ Bada-Boom!
I heard that the only difference between Elvis and Al Gore is that some people actually think that Elvis is alive! ~ Rankin!
What's the difference between a fox and pig?.... About 6 beers. ~ Monte Markham
Chelsea Clinton asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time' ?" Bill answered, "No, some start with 'After I'm elected. . ." ~ Bada-Boom!
First I lost my way. Then I lost my mind. Then I lost my virginity. Thank god I didn't lose my good luck charm! ~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
Never try to rob a gun store with a knife. ~ Prof. Shinglehopper
You've heard the old one about "Why did the chicken cross the road?". Well, why did the woman cross the road? ... Who cares! How the heck did she get out of the kitchen? ~ Monte Markham
It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something that happened to someone very dear to us all. Last night, at approximately 8:42 pm, the Energizer Bunny, after going, and going, and going for so long, unfortunately passed away. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation... Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming..... ~ Bada-Boom!
Dating: pieces of snatch. Marriage: snatches of peace.
~ Pessa :-( Mist
Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns? Because they taste funny! ~ Bada-Boom!
Hey! Did ya see Mike Tyson go down biting on Pay-per-Chew TV? ~ Monte Markham
What do you call little dead salmon?....Salmon croquettes! ~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
You heard about the skeleton in the closet?....It turned out to be a blonde who thought that "Allee, Allee Outs In Free!" was a trick! ~ Monte Markham
You know why women have no brains?....Because they don't have those handy little penises to carry them around in! ~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
No, no, Honnaleah. You've got it all wrong as usual. Those handy little penises are just for the over-flow! ~ Monte Markham
Say, did ya hear the news? They found a survivor of the Heaven's Gate Suicides. Yeah, she was hiding under the kitchen sink. Behind the Comet! ~ Bada-Boom!
A couple of old farts were talking in the retirement home. Mildred said, "I'll bet I can tell you your age."! "Betcha you kain't!" Otis rejoined. Mildred said, "By Cracky! Yer on! Drop trou!" Otis gasped "Say, what?!" Mildred: "Ye heerd me ya fusty old catamount!" (And he had, so he did. [Drop trou, that is.]) Mildred eyed his equipment from about every angle one could, then she said, "Kain't quite recollect ever havin' set eye-balls on sech paraphernalia, but I'd reckon ye was 74 an a half year old." Otis sputtered in astonishment, "Great Balls o' Fire woman! That's perzakly right on. How'd you figure that?!" "Well, " Mildred said with a mischievous smirk on her face, "that's how old you told me you were yestiday!" ~ Monte Markham
Madeline Albright is going to Hong Hong to represent the United States at the transfer of Hong Kong to China. President Clinton is going to be there too. He will represent China. ~ Bada-Boom!
I never met a man I didn't like. ~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
Never take a seeing-eye midget into the tall grass. ~ Prof. Shinglehopper
The only difference between marriage and prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends. ~ Rankin!
Bill Clinton flew back to D.C, from Arkansas on Air Force One. There was a marine colonel standing by to greet him. Well Slick Willie got off the plane he had a pig under his left arm. The colonel was of course on his best behaviour, erectly at attention and wishing to make the best of impressions on his Commander-in-Chief. He did not know, however, exactly what to make of the pig wiggling under the President's arm. However, the colonel snapped a brisk salute and greeted Bill with "Nice pig sir!" Clinton replied, "Oh, no colonel. This is no mere pig. This here is a genuwine razorback hog I got down in Arkansas for Hillary. Never to be fazed, the colonel then uttered those fateful words which got him sent to an outpost somewhat north of Nome, Alaska: "Nice trade sir!" ~ freewillie
~ freewillie
Why do blondes wear panties?....To keep their ankles warm! ~ Honnaleah Hunnihump
Why won't Bill Clinton let Hillary wear miniskirts?....Because she might bend over and someone would see her balls! ~ Monte Markham
Why did God invent woman?....Because sheep can't cook! ~ Monte Markham
A woman without a man is like a a fish without a bicycle! ~ Femina Zee
~ Femina Zee
Somewhere over the rainbow - blue birds die!
A man was driving on an L.A. freeway when he came to a traffic jam. He waited and waited and not a car moved. Finally, a trooper came by and the man asked him was the hold-up was. "Oh," said the trooper, "O. J. is depressed and despondent because of the civil case so he's up there on the highway and he says he's going to douse himself with gasoline because he doesn't have the money to pay the award, so I'm going car to car taking up a collection for him." The man asked, "How much have you collected so far?" The trooper replied, "Oh, about ten gallons."
