( P o l i t i c a l l y - C o r r e c t V e r s i o n )
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a
large forest full of Endangered Owls and Rare Plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer
if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a Nurture-Giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother",
although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person
if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she
was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water
to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years
to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special
Compassionate-Mission Exemption-Form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other,
since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an Oppressor,
and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for
Animal Rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an Empowering Deed that
would help engender a feeling of Community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to
independently further her own Selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or
incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of
these conditions were inferior to what some people called "healthy".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her
grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood
knew that this was an irrational fear based on Cultural Paradigms instilled by a Patriarchal Society
that regarded the Natural World as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators
were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in
A Truly Classless Society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be
accepted as valid lifestyle Role-Models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the
path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in
taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of Solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your Sexist Remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it
because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you
to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would
prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear,
Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of Action Affirmative of his nature as a
predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist Gender-Role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes,
crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some Cruelty-Free
snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing Matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enorm.., what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it 'fixed' to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal
pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his
accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so
wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my
permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this inane statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help
me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor
self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an NOW sting!"
screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion,
she sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me
in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my
anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have
SUCH a trauma! Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on her firm, well padded bosom,
gave a little belch, and asked "Do you have any Maalox?"
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