( M o d e r n V e r s i o n )
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered
with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to
save a few good people, and two of every other kind of living thing on the
planet. I am ordering you to build Me
an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an
Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the
blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the
Lord. "You'd better have my Ark
completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain
began to fall. The Lord saw that
Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is my
Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged
Noah. "I did my best. But there've been big problems.
First I had to get a building permit for the ACP (the Ark Construction
Project, and your plans didn't meet the building code. So I had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then there was a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my
neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark
in my front yard, so I had to grease a few palms to get a variance from
the Ccity Planning Commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to
convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood in order to save
the owls. But then they wouldn't let me catch any owls to save.
So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on
strike and I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Relations Board before anyone would even pick up a tool. Now we
have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and STILL no owls.
Then I started gathering up the other animals, and got sued by some
animal-rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each
kind - something about alternate lifestyles. Just when I finally got
the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
without filing an environmental-impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over
the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers
demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. We're still working
on that.
Right now I'm trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many Phillistines I'm supposed to hire,
the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm leaving the country just to
avoid paying taxes, and I just got a notice from the state about owing
some kind of "use-tax". So I really don't think I can finish your
Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear and the sun began to shine. A rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean
you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly,
"GOVERNMENT already has."
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