Adoptees search for a variety of reasons. Some start before they are 18, others wait until they are in their 50's or 60's. This seems to be a pretty broad age range to begin life long journeys, but a search is usually set off by an event or series of events. Some of the things that set an adoptee on a quest are hitting a major birth date; having a major life/death event occur: marriage, birth or death; or finding out that one is adopted.
Birth Date Searches
One of the fascinating things I have seen is how many adoptees begin their search in the year that they turn a 9 or click over another 0. These major milestones make people think about their lives, where they come from and where they are going. Adoptees often find that their feelings of insecurity or questions re-emerge during these soul searching times. Significant birth dates often fall on or near major events, as well.
Life / Death Events
Life and death events may not begin to happen until a person is in their late 20's or their 30's. For example, getting married and either considering having children or actually giving birth makes an adoptee very aware of the fact that he or she has no genetic background. What genetic defects might we be passing on to our children unbeknownst to us?
My daughter Grace was born with a preventable birth defect. Unfortunately, she also required brain surgery at 2 ½ months of age. Every time we went to see the doctor, someone asked if we had any family history of this type of thing. Of course, the answer was always, "I don't know." This became not only tiring but an added burden that I did not need. After my daughter's surgery, another 'life' event occurred, my father passed away suddenly.
The death of a parent is often a catalyst for a search. Many adoptees believe that searching will hurt their parents' feelings. (Another reason for older adoptees to search is waiting for the death of a parent.) However, that death often brings up the specter of the adoptees mortality, as well. Forcing him / her to wonder what their bodies are pre-disposed to do, whether it's cancer, diabetes or heart disease.
Learning of Adoption
The one event that I have found has no age or timing requirements is when an adoptee finds out after the age of 14 that s/he is adopted. Suddenly finding out that everything you had been told about yourself was not true sets up insecurity and a need to find out where the adoptee came from. The search can replace the quicksand that the past suddenly has become. A search for these reasons can occur at any age.
One woman I helped out was 65 when she found out. She had recently buried her mom and had placed her dad in a nursing home. She was going through some papers in the attic of their home on a stormy night when she came across the papers that showed she was adopted. It is impossible to imagine what must have gone through her mind when she found the papers. Ultimately, she did complete the search and found a sister she never knew.
Unfortunately, when younger adoptees find out at a later age, i.e., 14 to 25, it is more difficult to recover. Later in life, an adoptee has his or her own accomplishments to rely upon for their ego, but finding out as a teenager can be devastating to a teen's self-confidence. Everything they have based their life upon is a lie. They find that they cannot trust their parents, etc. A major rift is often opened up and is very difficult to repair. The search can become consuming to a young person under these circumstances.
The best solution for the adoptive parents is to be open and honest with the child from the beginning. The adopted child is special and loved. Treating your child with love and respect will garner the same feelings in return. Hiding the truth can potentially back fire and damage the relationship and the whole family.
Conclusions
Adoptees search for many reasons, and usually not just one. A search an begin at any age and last for many years. The feelings behind the search are valid. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you should not search. This belittles your feelings and makes you less of a person in your own eyes. Genealogy is one of the biggest hobbies in this country. Do not allow your being adopted to keep you from your heritage, either.
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