I have worked at Burlington Coat Factory on and off for many years. I still go back there during my breaks from school to work, not because it is a great store, but because I love the people who work there, or some of them. Anyway, at the old Coat Factory, I work in the Linens Department, and we have a LOT of shit in there, let me tell you. We also have posters. Star Trek, the Beatles, everything I know I learned in kindergarden, cats and WIZARDS. There are tons of fucking wizard posters. Let me tell you people, wizard posters are for freaks. You buy a wizard poster, and you have some serious mental and social issues.

To begin with, who in the world would actually want a wizard poster on the wall? What kind of statement is that person trying to make. I can think of one -- HELLO, I AM A BIG FUCKING FREAK! Oh, here's another one -- I THINK THAT WIZARDS ARE REAL PEOPLE AND I LOVE THEM! Now, I don't know about you, but when I find out someone believes in the mystical powers of wizards, I'm thinking to myself, "Hey, I need to get out of here! This person obviously has severe mental problems. Run, swift legs, and take me away from this evil incarnate of Merlin!" Not only that, but those wizard posters are so ugly and creepy looking. Ever get a good look at one of those bad boys? On most of these posters, there is some wizard standing near a big, bubbling pot, hand reaching up to the dark starry sky, with powerful bolts of lightening coming out of his fingers. And the wizard is wearing a pointed hat like Mickey Mouse did in Fantasia's "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." The wizard is also a crusty old white man with long, white hair and evil looking eyes. Of course, there are varations to this rule, and I have put one at the bottom of this page.

Okay, the wizard poster freaks are bad, but equally disturbing are the people out there wearing capes. I'm sure that you all remember the Seinfeld where Jerry and Elaine saw Mr. Constanza with a man wearing a cape. And Jerry and Elaine were scared of the man, and that was good. Capes are not good things, people. Not good at all. People who wear capes are either drama majors, or wizard poster buyers. If you are one of these two groups of people, don't think that it is okay to wear a cape, because it is never okay to wear a cape, unless you are a supermodel. Supermodels are allowed to wear whatever they want, because they are beautiful people, and beautiful people are better than the rest of us. Therefore, they are above the rules of regular society, and they are permitted to wear a cape (although I don't know why one would want to wear a cape.) Burn capes whenever you get a chance, especially if the wearer is attached (this is preferred, actually.)

My last big beef with freaks has to do with goth, and people who listen to Marilyn Manson. First of all, every goth freak listens to Manson. Marilyn Manson is king of the superfreaks. How he got his dick into Fiona Apple I will never understand, or condone. I don't even know where to begin when it comes to Marilyn Manson, because there is so much about him that is so entirely distasteful that I begin to get enraged just thinking about it. Suffice it to say, if you've seen a Manson video, you will know what I am talking about. Personally, I would have been a much happier person having never seen Marilyn Manson's ass. But alas, woe is me, I am scarred for life, the image branded into my poor innocent brain. While I will never recover from such cranial molestation, I hope that you, dear reader, will never have to undergo this blatant disregard of sanity and decency. And seeing him caress his ass just really didn't help. I'm going to say this once, and once only. If you paint your face white, while wearing black eyeshadow and black lipstick, GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU WASTE OF HUMAN TISSUE! YOUR ORGANS SHOULD BE TAKEN SO THAT SOMEONE DESERVING A LIFE CAN LIVE WHILE YOUR PUTRID, DISGUSTING BODY ROTS IN THE GROUND. There, I think that about covers it.