They dug into the band-aids again and patched themselves up. They’d had harder landings and knew they’d gotten off lightly this time but couldn’t face any more defeats for one day so they rested for the evening in their balloon, savouring the last pieces of food they had with them and watching the tiny pocket TV Likitung had unwittingly stolen from someone as a tasty snack.

 They squabbled about what to watch for a while and finally settled on an X-Files marathon on Sky. All went well until James decided he wanted to be Fox Mulder and tied Meowth to a tree believing him to be an alien.

 “James, will you quit it?!” cried Jessie.

 James looked at her guiltily but couldn’t quite bring himself to stop play-acting for a while. It was while he was accusing Meowth of also being a bloodsucking, vampireish, mind reading, spoon-bending, demonic megalomaniac that Jessie saw The Advert.

 “What is it with these claims things?!” she snapped, “if they’re not begging you to take out a loan they want you to sue people for something!”
“We could get a loan!” cried James.
 “No we couldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because we can’t act as badly as the people in those adverts.”

James sighed with disappointment.

“Oh.”

Jessie rolled her eyes and turned back to the TV. Someone was telling her about how many millions of pounds he’d gained from claiming against some piece of wood he’s stepped on.

“That’s what we need to do,” she said.
“Step on a piece of wood?” frowned James. He spotted a twig and stamped on it hard, hopped around for a while and howled in mock pain. “Oww! Ow, that damn piece of wood! Jessie! Jessie! I stepped on a piece of wood that shouldn’t have been there!”
“Bloody cheek!” said the piece of wood, “that’s slander, that is! I could sue your arse off for that!”

James looked at it guiltily.

“Oops,” he said, “sorry.”
“James, think about it,” Jessie began, “how many times have we been sent blasting off by the twerps?”
“Well, at least once an episode,” said James, “so must be over a hundred.”

Jessie smirked.

“Then I think I know a way to get Pikachu after all,” she said, “and everything else that boy owns, too...”
 

*       *       *

Ash opened the letter and unfolded the paper inside it. He’d only been back home a couple of days and it was the first piece of post he’s received.

“I wonder who it’s from,” he muttered.
“Well read it and find out!” snapped Misty. She watched as his face fell. “What? What is it?”
“I’m.... being sued,” said Ash.
“Sued?? What for?”
“For making Team Rocket blast off!” cried Ash, “they want my Pikachu or they’ll take me for every penny I’ve got!”
“But you don’t even have any money!”
“I know!”
“So what are you going to do?”

Ash sank to the ground and put his head in his hands.

“I don’t know.”
“You could always get a loan,” Misty suggested, “from those people off the telly.”
“The bad actors?” frowned Ash, “nah, they’d never lend me any money.”
“Then there’s nothing you can do,” sighed Misty, “unless....”

Ash looked up.

“Unless what?”
“You could always sue someone else,” shrugged Misty.
“I...guess,” frowned Ash, “but who?”

Two pairs of eyes turned to the sweet yellow creature across the other side of the room.

“Pika?” it gulped.
 

Ash grinned.

“Saved,” he said.

*       *       *

Pikachu had never received a piece of post in his life. He was surprised by the official looking envelope and opened it with his jagged tail.

“A lawsuit has been brought against you by Ash Ketchum,” it said, “for constant electrocution and ketchup dependency.”

Pikachu couldn’t believe it. His best friend in the world was suing his furry little ass off. He didn’t have any money! Hell, all he had was electricity! And under the circumstances he didn’t think that would go down too well. A tiny tear slipped down from his little beady eye and his mind raced over his options. There was only one thing to do now.

*       *       *

Jessie opened the envelope with a frown. Then she screamed. James came running, in lacy black knickers which he’d not had time to cover up, and screeched to a halt beside her.

“What? What’s the matter?” he cried.
“James! Look at this!” Jessie slammed the letter in front of his face and stomped her foot crossly to the ground. “That electric yellow rat is suing us!”
“Huh?”
“He’s taking us to court for the emotional damage we’ve caused by constantly trying to kidnap him!”
“He can’t do that!” wept James.
“He can and he has.”
“But where are we going to get the money to pay for that?!”
“We’ll have to wait for the money to come through from the Twerp,” said Jessie.
“What if we don’t have that long?”
“Then we’ll have to sue someone else.”
”But who?!” cried James.
.
Jessie rubbed her hands together and licked her lips.
.
“I have an idea,” she said.
.
Curiously, James echoed her actions.
 “So do I….” He said.

*       *       *

 James opened the envelope and screamed.
 “ARGH! I’m being sued!”
 And there it was in front of him in black and white:
 “A lawsuit has been brought against you for the unlawful borrowing of several items of women’s underwear and make-up from your team mate, Jessie.”

 “I don’t believe it!” James cried and turned his angry gaze across the room to Jessie, who was opening an official looking envelope.
 

*       *       *
 

 “NO!” screamed Jessie as she read the letter in front of her for the third time.

 “A lawsuit has been brought against you for constant mental and physical abuse against your team mate, James.”

 Jessie growled in fury and paced over to wear James stood clutching an envelope.

 “What’s the meaning of this?!” they screamed at each other, “You can’t sue me! I haven’t got any money!”

 They both narrowed their eyes.

 “Is that a trace of my favourite lipstick I see around your lips?!” Jessie demanded.
 “No,” lied James. Jessie pulled out a huge stick from somewhere to whack him with, but he held up his hand and grinned. “ooh, no, no, no – the lawyers might be watching!”

 Jessie growled like an angry Arcainine but couldn’t let her anger last for long. She knew it was a stalemate and though violence was fun it wouldn’t solve anything in this case.

 “We’ll have to finish this later,” she snapped, “right now we’ve got to work out how to get out this mess!”
 “We could ask the boss for a loan,” said James.
 “Can you honestly see Giovanni giving us any more money?!” Jessie cried.

 James hung his head and adjusted his thong.

 “No.”
 “So what do we do?”

 The team mates sighed and unanimously shook their heads in defeat. Then almost as one they turned slowly to the other member of their team, the over-intelligent Meowth who was watching them curiously from across the room.

 “What?” he asked.
 “Nothing,” smiled Jessie.

*       *       *

 “AAAAAARRGHHHHHHHH!”
 

 James glanced at Jessie.

 “Meowth must have got the letter from our solicitor,” he said.
 “What’s the meaning of this?!” Meowth screamed at them both, “a lawsuit for scratching your faces?!”
 “We need some money,” Jessie said simply.
 “I don’t have any!” cried Meowth, “all I have in the world is cat food and balls of wool!”
 “Then learn Payday.”
 “You know I can’t!”
 “Then,” Jessie said through gritted teeth, “sue someone else.”

 Meowth swallowed hard.

 “I bet the Boss wouldn’t have let you treat me like this if it wasn’t for that Persian,” he sniffed.

 Wait….
 That’s it….

*       *       *
 

 Giovanni sat back and petted his Persian.

 “Myyuu myyuuuu myu  myyuuu myuu?” said the Persian.
 “Why don’t you say your name like all the other Pokemon do?” Frowned Giovanni.
 “Myyyu myuuu myyuuu myuu,” said the Persian, roughly translated as, “Well, why don’t you bloody sit there going ‘Gio Giovanni Giovanni Gio Gio’  all the time?! I don’t know, one set of rules for you, another set of rules for everyone else….”

 “Here’s your post, sir,” a voice said from the doorway and a nervous looking man scuttled in, left some envelopes on his desk and scuttled back out again.

 Giovanni grabbed the letters and opened them one at a time, saving what he knew was his ‘Adult Ekans Monthly’ magazine until last. There was an official looking envelope which confused him slightly. What could it be? It wasn’t as though he often got anything official. Governments and the like barely even knew who he was.

 Sliding the letter from its envelope he sighed and got comfortable to read it.

 “A lawsuit has been brought against you for unlawfully dismissing Meowth from your household and sending him into the field to replace him with a thick Persian who can only say ‘Myyuu myuuu myyuuu’.”

 “That furry bastard!” cried Giovanni.
 “Myyuu?” asked Persian.
 “Not you. That damn Meowth! I should have known he’d only be trouble!” He grabbed the phone and slammed the receiver to his ear. “Get my lawyer on the phone immediately! I have a problem I need taken care of!”

*       *       *

 Jessie was beginning to recognize the official envelopes when the latest one arrived.

 “It’s…. Giovanni,” she said, “he’s suing us… all of us….”

 Meowth shuffled uncomfortably.

 “Did he… say what for?”
 “For letting down the good team rocket name with our failure,” Jessie said angrily.
 “Well we won’t fail when we get Pikachu from the Twerp,” said James, “he’ll never afford the amount we’ve asked for so he’ll have no choice but to hand it over.”
 “And if he doesn’t?”
 “We could always sue someone else,” said Meowth.
 “NO!”
“OK! OK!”

Jessie felt an idea worm its way into her mind.

“Actually,” she began, “that’s not such a bad idea…. I can think of one other person I’d like to sue…”
 

*       *       *

Cassidy wasn’t expecting any post and was surprised by the letter out the blue. She never had people writing to her. As a Team Rocket member no one usually knew where she was in any case.

“Butch? Have you told anyone where we are?” she asked.
“Not that I know of.”

Cassidy shrugged and opened the envelope, then reeled back in surprise as she spotted Jessie’s signature.

“I didn’t think I’d be hearing from her…” she mumbled. Opening the paper out properly she sat down and prepared to read the letter.

“Dear Cassidy,” it began, “I am very sorry for the way I acted when we last met. It was wrong to give you the cold shoulder after all we’ve been through and I hope you can forgive me. Love Jessie. P.S. I’m suing you for stealing my earrings three years ago and never returning them. Thanks in advance for the money!”

“HUH??!”

*       *       *

It was only a couple of days later that Butch started to worry about Cassidy. She hadn’t been herself since receiving a letter out the blue. She seemed reluctant to talk about it and Butch couldn’t even get out of her what had been in it, let alone who it was from. The more he asked the less she wanted to talk about it. In fact, she’d started to act strangely guilty around him and it wasn’t until he received a letter of his own that he realized why.

“A lawsuit has been made against you by Cassidy for causing undue suffering by having such a horrible voice.”

Cassidy felt terrible when he confronted her about it.

“I’m sorry!” she cried, “I didn’t know what else to do! Jessie was suing me and I haven’t got any money!”
“Well neither have I!”
“I know! I know that now! But I didn’t know at the time… and I thought it would be like those adverts. You know, you make a claim and suddenly get a load of money…”
 “But you can’t claim against me if I don’t have any money.”
“Then you’ll have to sue someone else yourself!”

Butch thought for a moment, hoping the answer would come to him.

“Can’t I just step on a piece of wood that shouldn’t have been there?” he asked, “you get thirty-thousand for that.”
“I don’t think the claims company would fall for that twice,” said Cassidy, “besides, that last claim sent the piece of wood into bankruptcy!”
“Then who else is there to claim against?”
“I don’t know,” sighed Cassidy, “but we’ll think of something….”

*       *       *

Ash found a letter waiting for him on the doorstep and opened it eagerly. Then he discovered he was being sued again and wished he had not been so enthusiastic about it.

“Ash?” frowned Brock, “what’s wrong?”
“I’m being sued,” said Ash, “again!”

Misty glanced around.

“What? Who by?”
“By Butch and Cassidy,” Ash said in confusion, “they’re suing me for causing their Drowzee to suffer nightmares after we destroyed their HQ!”
“Well, how are you going to get out of this one?!” taunted Misty.
“I shouldn’t have to!” cried Ash, “It was your Togepi’s attack which blew the place up! You should be paying for this one!”
“Hey! Don’t you go blaming Togapi for this!”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s only a baby!”
“Well so are you!” snapped Ash as he poked his tongue out at Misty.

Misty pulled a mallet out of nowhere and brought it down hard to Ash’s head.

“I’m a baby, am I?!” she screamed, “we’ll soon see about that!”

Ash saw stars for a moment.
There was a bit of blackness, too.
Then after a while he was fully conscious again and almost able to see clearly.

He looked Misty in the eye, or what he thought was an eye, and whispered into her nose,
“I’ll see you in court.”

Misty sneezed at him and said crossly,

“Mind repeating that in a place I can hear it?!”

Ash shook his head for a moment as though to get rid of any concussion he was suffering and tried again.

“I’ll see you in court,” he told her.

Misty scowled.

“Not if I see you first.”

*       *       *

Brock sat down next to Ash just as the young boy was starting his breakfast the next day.

“A letter just came for Misty,” he said.

Ash smirked.

“Yeah?”
“Looked official.”
“Did it?”
“Yeah.”
“How did Misty… seem when she opened it?” Asked Ash.
“OK.”
“OK?”
“Yes,” frowned Brock, “Why? Shouldn’t she be?”

Ash shrugged.

“I…. Don’t know,” he said.
“Oh, and by the way,” Brock began, “this came for you.”

He presented Ash with an envelope and left the room.

Ash opened the envelope and screamed at the contents.

“Misty’s counter-suing for her bike!” he cried

Misty poked her head round the door.

“That’ll teach you to sue a redhead!” she said.

*       *       *

 Ash was back to square one. Whoever he sued then sued him back. Everyone had something on him. Including Brock who had his feet on him.

 “Brock, stop using me as a footstool or I’ll sue,” Ash warned.
 “Oops, sorry, Ash,” said Brock.

 Ash crawled out from under Brock’s legs and sighed.

 “So what do I do?” he asked.
 “About the money?”
 “If I don’t find someone else to sue soon I’ll end up in prison,” Ash said quietly, “or lose Pikachu.”
 “You just need someone else to sue,” said Brock.
 “But I don’t think there is anyone,” said Ash, “they keep suing me back and my lawyer is threatening to charge me double for all the overtime he’s doing!”
 “Oh, Ash,” sighed Brock  “It’ll be OK. Come here.”

 He extended a friendly arm around the young boy’s shoulders and sighed. Then he heard scribbling. Pencil against paper. He looked around and spotted Tracey sketching away.

 “Wow!” Tracey was muttering, “this sketch is gonna make me millions! Kids favourites in loving embrace!”
 “Hey!” cried Brock, “don’t you dare! It’s purely innocent!”
 “That’s what James said after the incident with the suspenders and the loo roll….”
 “Right! That’s it!” cried Brock. He leapt to his feet and made a dash for Tracey but tripped over a piece of wood that shouldn’t have been there and the artist gave him the slip. “Get back here! Get back or I’ll sue!”
 “Oh no,” sighed the piece of wood, “not more lawsuits!”
 “I wasn’t talking to you!” cried Brock.
 “Oh,” said the wood, “that’s OK then!”

 The wood wandered off as Brock got to his feet and smoothed his clothes. Tracey would pay for making that sketch. Brock would make sure of it.

*       *       *

 So time went by. Tracey received confirmation of a lawsuit brought against him by Brock so he counter sued for the fact that Brock didn’t have any eyes and so he couldn’t have seen who was drawing the picture anyway. The piece of wood sued both of them for the accident which resulted in him being stepped on and they both ended up bankrupt.

  “But I still need to find someone else to sue,” said Ash.
 “Well if you were more responsible like Mimie you wouldn’t be in this position now!” his mum scolded.

 Ash narrowed his eyes at Mr Mime who was happily sweeping up the bits of wood left over from a tragic accident involving two people’s feet and a certain object which shouldn’t have been there (and possibly a bucket of hot tar, as it had been recommended in an advert). A white chalk outline was all that remained of Wood. Officer Jenny had been round to survey the scene and declared she suspected Woodicide. Brock seemed strangely uncomfortable about her suspicion, as did Tracey, but seemed very happy to see her and spent the whole time following her round and offering to ‘help’. Help, to Brock, had the rough translation of crawling around on the floor and looking up her skirt.

 But that was beside the point.

 That bloody Mr Mime was his mum’s favourite. Ash had been feeling this way since the very day it arrived. It was always ‘Mimie’ this and ‘Mimie’ that. Well what about Ash?! Didn’t he matter any more?!

 Right.
 Only one thing for it.

*       *       *

 “Mime?” Said Mr Mime as he opened the letter.
 He couldn’t read of course, so Ash’s lawsuit was wasted.

 “Aw, damn!” cried Ash, “who can I sue now?”
 “Well not me,” cried Brock, “I’m already getting sued!”
 “Whatssat?” frowned Ash.
 “I’m getting sued by Officer Jenny for sexual harassment!” cried Brock.
 “I don’t blame her,” said Misty
 “Her?” said Brock, “try them! All the Officer Jenny’s we’ve ever met are suing me!” he paused. “and even a few we haven’t!”

 Ash tried very hard not to laugh.

 “Well what do you expect if you’re going to be going round looking up their skirts the whole time?” he said.
 “But it’s not just them,” Brock continued, “the Nurse Joys are at it as well!”
 “How many people are suing you in total?” sniggered Misty.
 “Fifty seven!” cried Brock, “and it’s not funny.

 Misty made her face carefully neutral.

 “You’re right,” she said, “it’s not funny.” Her giggles broke free into an unlady-like snort down her nose. “It’s hilarious!”

 Brock got to his feet and threw the letter down in disgust.

 “You would say that,” he said, “you’re a girl, too!”
 “I think it’s funny too,” said Ash.
 “I rest my case,” said Brock.
 “Hey!” scowled Ash, “I could sue you for slander….”
 “NOOOOOOOO!” screamed Brock, “no more lawsuits!”

 Misty started to feel a little guilty for laughing so much at Brock. Yes, it was still funny but she was supposed to be his friend.

 “So, Brock, what are you going to do?” she asked.
 “I know exactly what I’m going to do,” Brock told her, “I’m going to counter sue!”

 Misty and Ash glanced at each other.

 “For what?”
 “Sexual harassment!”
 “You can’t do that,” said Misty, “they’ve not done anything to you.”
 ‘Sadly,’ thought Brock. But he said out loud,
 “Yes they have. This was entrapment! They were trying to seduce me!”
 “How?!”
 “By not wearing any knickers!”
 “Brock! How would you know?!”
 “I’m being sued for looking up their skirts, aren’t I?!”

 Misty and Ash simply sighed. There was no answer to that.

 “Togi togi pr-r-r-r-r-riii!” said Togapi.
 “What’s that, Togapi?” asked Misty.
 “Togi! Togi!” Togapi said sweetly
 “Aw, how sweet,” said Misty, “He says he’s going to sue the asses off of Butch and Cassidy for turning him into the evil Anti-Togapi!”
 “You understand him?” asked Ash in amazement.
 “No, but he can always sue me for libel if I’m wrong…..”
 

*       *       *

 Butch and Cassidy opened the 15 lawsuits they had received that morning. Several had been from Jessie, requiring back numerous items Cassidy had allegedly once borrowed; one didn’t make any sense at all being made up purely of ‘Togi togi’ and ‘pr-r-r-r-rii’, and there were a couple claiming Butch’s voice had caused several family deaths. Cassidy was most amused by the lawsuit claiming her skirt was too short to be allowed on children’s TV.

 “I think I’ll frame that one,” she said proudly.

 “How are we supposed to pay for all these?!” cried Butch, “we’ve got to come up with a plan, and soon!”
 “Like what?”
 “I don’t know!”
 “Can we sue someone else?” Cassidy wondered, “someone really big.”
 “A Snorlax?”
 “I mean a big company!”
 “Oh.” Butch paused and thought. “Like who?”
 “How about Sky TV? We could sue that woman who adds ‘Mon’ to everything she says before Pokemon!”
 “If we sue Sky then we’ll all get sacked!”
 “Hmm, good point.”

 They fell silent again.
 And the silence lasted for almost fifteen minutes.

   “So I guess we’ll just end up suing Jessie and James again then?” Butch said eventually.
 “I guess so.”
 

*       *       *

 “Guess who’s suing us again?”
 “Cassidy?”
 “Yes.”

 Jessie sighed. She was getting pretty tired of this by now. She had thirty-three lawsuits against her. Thirty three and counting. Most had been from Cassidy, it had to be said.

 “What are we going to do, James?” she wondered.
 “I don’t know, Jessie,” James admitted miserably.

 Jessie switched on the TV and tried to forget about their massive debts for a moment.

 “Oh, I stood on a piece of wood that shouldn’t have been there….”

 “That bloody advert caused this whole mess in the first place!” cried Jessie.
 “No,” James said brightly, “if you remember it was you saying we should sue the twerps that got us into this –oof!"

 Jessie jabbed her boot firmly into his side and turned back to the TV in time to hear the next ad beginning.

 “…Look! These foolish people will lend us £15,000 even though we haven’t got a hope in hell of paying them back! Let’s give them a call….”

 Jessie glanced at James.

 “James…. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
 “About Giovanni and the whipped cream?”
 “No! That maybe we need a loan…?”
 “But you said we couldn’t do that,” said James, “you said we weren’t bad enough actors.”
 “I know that,” said Jessie, “but it doesn’t have to be one of us exactly….”
 “What do you mean?”
 “If we could get that piece of wood from the other advert on our side we’d surely succeed!” said Jessie.
 “Are you sure?”

 Jessie shrugged.

 “Where else are we ever going to find someone that wooden?!”

 James nodded.

 “I think you’ve got a point,” He grinned.

*       *       *

Hopefully never to be continued!