The tone in James’s voice was torture to Jessie. She looked away. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

     “Jessie?” he said again, “What’s…. she… doing here?!” he paused and Jessie could sense his voice was about to crack as he concluded, “and why did she just come from the same room as you?”
     “Introduce us properly, Jess,” Cassidy prompted.
     “Jessie?!” James’s desperate tones tried again.

     Jessie’s mind felt numb. Thoughts tumbled around inside it; out of control. Her feet took off before she knew what she was doing and took her past the staring pairs eyes, out of the shelter.

     James turned his confused glare to Cassidy. She looked smug, but concern crept into her eyes.

     “What did you do to her?!” James demanded.
     “Nothing!” Cried Cassidy, “well… nothing she wasn’t begging me for….”

     James’s wide eyes had a certain innocence about them. The truth was threatening to filter though to his mind but he wouldn’t quite let it.

     “She’d better be OK,” he snapped, and raced out the door with Cassidy in hot pursuit.
 

     No sign.
     No sign of Jessie.

     “Where is she?” James demanded.
     “She can’t be too far,” said Cassidy. Her lip twitched involuntarily. Even she was starting to feel a little worried now. “Look, you check round the back of the shed, I’ll look in the woods.”

     James scowled. He didn’t like taking orders from someone who had apparently upset Jessie in some way but this was not the time to have a debate about it. He raced round the side of the building and passed some overgrown bushes.

     “Jessie?” he called, “Jessie, please? Where are you?” But there was no reply. Carefully picking his way through some cracked and uneven paving stones, he tried again. “Jess, it’s not that bad. Listen to me, Jessie – whatever’s happened -”

     He turned the corner and found Jessie with her forehead pressed to the side of the shelter. Her face was turned slightly away from him so he couldn’t tell what emotion her features were showing but her body was moving slightly as she sobbed, indicating the depth of her tears. James’s pace slowed slightly. He walked toward her gently now. He had never seen her like this, not in all the years they’d known each other. Now he was closer he could hear the sobs loud and clear. Biting his lip, he extended an arm around her shoulders. Still she couldn’t bring herself to meet his gaze.

     “I am so, so sorry,” she gasped between tears.
     “I don’t understand it,” James admitted, “I don’t understand what’s going on and I don’t understand what you’re sorry for.”

     Jessie’s glassy, red eyes turned to him.

     “I wanted to tell you,” she whispered.
     “Tell me what, Jessie? What’s been going on?! Why did you go off last night and why… why did your mortal enemy come out of your room this morning?”
     “I… think you already know that,” she whispered uneasily, “don’t you?”
     “I’m… trying not to think anything until you tell me,” James said quietly.

     Jessie’s mouth opened slightly and she tried to tell him. She wanted to tell him. But a flood of tears overtook her and she threw her arms around his shoulders. Crying against him, she tried desperately to regain her composure. She gasped for breath over and over. She had to get a grip. She couldn’t stay this weak. It just wasn’t like her. But then again, she wasn’t too sure who she was anymore.

     “James,” she whispered, “I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused.”
     “Just talk to me,” James begged, “I’m so worried about you.”

     He pulled Jessie away from him to look at her face. She found she couldn’t lie or hold anything back from him while their eyes met like this. She never could do.

     “It’s Cassidy,” she whispered.

     James wiped the running make-up from under her left eye.

     “I figured that much,” he said.

     Jessie swallowed.

     “Don’t tell me you never knew…. never heard about it when we were all in training?”
     “Heard about what?”
     “I was…. we…. were going out,” the words stuck in Jessie’s throat but she forced them out. “James, I love her. I love her and I wanted her, and now I have her …I regret it!”

     James stared at her. Those were the words he’d been expecting but now she’d said them they seemed much harder to accept than he thought they would.

     “You never told me,” he whispered, “all the time I’ve known you…” He paused and closed his eyes for a moment. “Why could you never… never tell me you were gay?”
     “I’m not gay!” Jessie cried, “I just love Cassidy!”
     “Then what does it make you?”

     Jessie looked down.

     “Bi-sexual? Confused? I don’t know, James, don’t make me feel worse about this.”
     “I’m not trying to make you feel worse!” James protested, “I just want to help you! I want to know why couldn’t trust me enough to tell me before.”
     “I didn’t know before. For years I thought Cassidy was a …a mistake. I just wanted to forget her. But I couldn’t.”
     “But why could you never tell me?!”
     “I was ashamed! Alright, James?! I was too ashamed of it.”

     James looked at her and blinked.

     “What’s there to be ashamed of?” he asked. Jessie shrugged her shoulders like a kid accused of taking biscuits from the cookie jar. He wished he could say something to help. “It’s… it’s just love, Jess. It doesn’t have rules.”
     “Well it should do,” Jessie mumbled.
     “Why?”
     “So I wouldn’t be feeling this damn confused!”

     Jessie sank out of his grip and down to the ground. Her head felt like it might explode from the conflict going on inside it and her heart felt heavy with confusion and regret. She had wanted Cassidy so much that she’d stopped thinking about consequence and gone for the moment. Now the moment was over she couldn’t cope with thinking of what came after.

     James knelt beside her and tried to think what he’d like to hear in her position.

    “It… it doesn’t make any difference, you know,” he said, “you’re the same person you always were. Except now you’re in love.”

    Jessie wiped her eyes.

    “But am I?” she whispered, “How do I know that? How can it be love if I’m feeling like this? How can I say I love her when I can’t even be strong for her?!” she swallowed hard. “Cass was right. She said I couldn’t handle ‘us’, and I can’t.”
    “Can you at least tell me what it is that you regret so much?”

    Jessie thought for a moment.

    “No,” she said.
    “Why not?”
    “Because I don’t know,” she admitted,
    “What do you mean?”
    “I don’t…. regret anything… I’ve just got this awful feeling inside…. This really sick feeling like I ought to regret something.”
    “Then, Jess, you’re not regretting anything,” James cried, sounding strangely happy, “Jessie, you love her and you’re not regretting it! You’re confusing it with confusion!”

    Jessie scowled.

    “Talk sense!” she screamed.
    “I get it now, Jessie! I understand.”
    “Well I’m glad someone does.”
    “It was the same for me,” James whispered to her, “you feel you should regret it because so many people think it’s wrong, or it’s out of the ordinary. Somewhere inside you, deep down, those voices play on your mind and if you’re not strong enough to get through them then you’ll believe them and give in. But you mustn’t do that.”

    Jessie blinked.

    “Really?” she whispered.
    “Think about it,” said James, “do you love Cassidy?”
    “I think so.”
    “How long did you walk for to find her?”
    “All night,” Jessie swallowed.
    “Then you certainly do.”
    “I guess so,” Jessie thought carefully.
    “How did it feel to be with her again?” James asked her.
    “G-good,” Jessie whispered.
    “How good?”
    “Fantastic.” Even as she said the word, she flinched. “But it’s not supposed to feel fantastic! It’s wrong!”
    “Do you really believe that?” James asked sternly, “really?”

    Jessie breathed deeply. The word hung on her lips before she spoke it.

    “No.”
    “You only have one life. Don’t waste it doing what other people want you to do.”

    Jessie’s face crumbled again.

    “But why do I still feel so confused?!”

    She cried again while James hugged her for want of something better to do. It didn’t help her, he knew that, but at least it showed he was there for her.

    “It’ll just take time to get used to,” he said, “it’s a big change. You’re bringing up the past. But stick with it for your own sake. Or do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering?”

    Jessie’s tears didn’t stop, but she knew he was right. Every word made sense to her.
x

    Cassidy folded her arms and marched back to the shelter. No sign of Jessie. No sign of anything except one of the Pikachu traps, which hadn’t worked and succeeded only in hanging Cassidy upside down from a tree for a few minutes until she wriggled free.

    Brushing dirt and leaves from her clothes, she spotted figures just the other side of the building, walking round in circles. Clearly Jessie and James. Clearly upset. Cassidy’s heart broke to see Jessie so obviously sobbing, with James doing his best to comfort her.

    “I knew this would happen,” she whispered.

    She slipped back into the building to gather up everything she’d brought with her and leave before things got any worse. She couldn’t bear seeing Jessie’s beautiful face streaked with tears again. That was something she could never face.
.

     As Jessie walked round and round with James her head became a little clearer and things started to make a little more sense. She could see exactly what he was saying and he had everything correct. She just wished she could make more sense of her emotions. They were still all over the place.

     “James?” she whispered, “tell me what to do.”
    “You know I can’t do that,” sighed James.

    Jessie nodded.

    “I know. I just wish someone could help me.”
    “Well, what do you want most?” Asked James, “do you want to keep Cassidy or do you want to play safe and make the feeling go away?”
    “If I let Cassidy go,” Jessie began, “I might… I might regret that anyway.” She stopped walking and put her head in her hands. “It’s a no-win situation!”
    “No it’s not,” James told her, “what have you got to lose by sticking it out?”
    “Sticking what out?” Jessie asked suspiciously.
    “You know what I mean!”

    Jessie nodded slowly.

    “Yeah. I do.”
    “Realistically, what’s going to change if you just go for it? Apart from you being happy?”
    “The way people think of me.”
    “I already know, Jessie. Who else needs to? Butch?”
    “He knows, too.”
    “Then,” James began wisely, “if we already know there’s no one to hide it from. So if you back out now you’ll only make yourself unhappy.”

    That was true.

    Cassidy fastened her earrings and stared at the floor. Less than an hour ago she’d been laying beside the one person she’d ever loved, other than herself. Now she was alone again. Worse than that she had to face Butch’s sarcasm when she got home. She gripped the dirty sheet tightly in her fist to stop herself from crying. The last few hours had been a strange roller coaster and as soon as she left it would feel like nothing more than a dream.

    Gripping her overnight bag under her arm she got to her feet and closed her eyes for a moment. Maybe if she clicked her heels together and said ‘there’s no place like home’ she could escape the whole humiliating incident. A voice broke her Wizard of Oz daydream.

     “Going somewhere?”

    She opened her eyes slowly and took in a deep breath as she looked at the tear-streaked face in front of her. Dried blood still sat on one cheek from their earlier fight and bits of nature remained in the long red hair she gazed upon. Yet still Jessie’s beauty shone through.

    “Home,” she whispered bluntly.

    Jessie swallowed nervously.

    “What, before breakfast?”
    “We had that hours ago. Remember?”
    “Tastes better when you’re in love.”

    Cassidy’s brow furrowed slightly.

    “You’re mixed up,” she whispered, “I can’t cope with that.”
    “You don’t have to,” sighed Jessie. She looked down, ashamed for a moment. “You’re right. I freaked. I’m sorry.”
    “I told you before – I don’t want a secret romance, Jessie. I think it would be best if I left.”
    “Don’t you dare.”

    Jessie grabbed her wrist as she tried to walk out and held on tightly. Cassidy’s face changed as pain filtered through to her mind.

    “What the fuck are you doing now?!”

    Jessie wasn’t sure herself, but she knew whatever the hell it was, it wasn’t enough. She knelt down and laid her head against Cassidy’s legs, then stretched her arms around her body to take a firm grip of her.

    “I need you,” she whispered, “I was scared because of what happened in the past more than of what happens next.”
    “How do I know you won’t be gripped with…. with panic again?” Cassidy swallowed as Jessie pressed her head against her crotch. She tried to put her legs together to block Jessie’s strategic attack but the redhead simply grasped her more firmly and threatened to knock her off balance. She dropped her bag to the floor and tried to concentrate on staying upright.
    “You don’t,” Jessie whispered, “…but I do.”
    “How?”

    Jessie pulled back a little and let go of her firm hold. She looked up at Cassidy and spoke seriously.

    “You want to know what panic really is? It’s not what I felt when I woke up and realised what I’d done this morning. It’s not how I felt when I ran out this place because I couldn’t handle the introduction. It’s what I felt when I came in and saw you about to leave.” She chewed nervously on her tongue as she slipped one hand up the bottom of Cassidy’s short dress. “I admit I was scared earlier. And still am, but I’m trying, sweetheart, God knows I’m...” She closed her eyes. She felt like giving up. “I’m trying.”

    This time when Jessie’s head laid against her leg, Cassidy could feel it lay there lifelessly. It wasn’t part of a plan, just part of her desperation. She found herself reaching out toward her head and stroking her hair gently. She still wanted to soothe her.

    “I know,” she whispered.
    “Please, Cass,” Jessie whispered in a tear-strained voice, “you’ve got to give me another chance. I need you. I can’t live without you. I want you too much.”

    Cassidy closed her eyes.

    “That’s all I needed to hear.”

    Jessie raised her head almost involuntarily and looked up at Cassidy.

    “What?”
    “Life’s not nice alone, is it?”
    “What are you saying?”
    “That… if I walk out of here now we’ll both be miserable. I’ve spent too many years wondering how things could have been, Jess. I’m sick of wondering.”

    Jessie’s mouth felt dry.
    “Do you mean you’ll stay with me?” she whispered. She felt sure Cassidy could feel her heart beating against her leg.
    “I’ll give you one more chance,” Cassidy said, “But you freak on me again and it really will be over. I can’t take this again.”
    “I won’t,” Jessie whispered, “I won’t, I promise.”

    Cassidy took a deep breath.

    “And…. And only if you do one thing for me,” she said.
 

    Jessie clung to her leg and kissed it.
    “Yes, yes, anything,” she gasped.

    Cassidy’s lip twitched upwards.

    “Move your hand… up… a little further….,” She pleaded, “oh yes….. just like that…. that’s nice…”
.

    He jumped to attention when he heard footsteps coming in his direction. Two pairs this time. Black boots and white boots walked in side by side, with Jessie and Cassidy above them.

    “Um, James,” Jessie whispered nervously, “You know Cassidy, don’t you?”
    “I do…” James said curiously.
    “Did… did you know I love her?” Jessie whispered. This time the words sat a little easier on her lips and brought them up into a nervous smile.

    James smiled back.

    “I do now,” he said.
    “I hope you don’t mind if she stays… for a while…?
    “No, Jess, ‘course not,” James smiled. He paused, swallowed and looked nervous again for a moment, “Um, Jessie…”
    “What?”
    “I… hardly like to tell you this,” James blushed, “but…um, did you know you have your skirt tucked in your knickers?”

    Jessie spun around and cast Cassidy an accusing glare.

    “You did that on purpose!”
    “I didn’t dress you!” Cassidy protested.
    “No, but you undressed me which caused me to get dressed again….”
    “You can’t blame me for that!”
    “No?!”
    “No!”
    “Right, we’ll see about that,” cried Jessie as she grabbed for Cassidy’s hair and pulled her to the floor.

    James watched in bemusement as the two started scratching at each other again in a tangle on the floor.

    “I know they say ‘love hurts,’” he mused, “but this is ridiculous!”

    Meowth crawled out from his sack-pile again and shook his head in disapproval.

    “Anyone for a barbecue?!” he wondered.
 

    To Be Continued!