Top Of The Table

K-Lee

Oct. 14, 2001

I don't have children. I guess it's just something I never got around to. Serving people for a living seems more than enough of the whole experience. Granted, my patrons do not rest in my womb for nine glorious (ah-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!) months, but the ninety minutes they rest in my section is all the bliss I can handle.

They do not emerge from my "oven" to suckle at my sagging breasts, but certainly many have "sucked me dry" in the way of countless requests and special needs. Rather than wiping the smeared foods from their greedy mouths and removing crusty boogers from their little noses, I bring them napkins and they do it themselves. I much prefer directing a diner to the restroom as opposed to changing a "poopy diaper". When guests are in a good mood, my heart soars much like a mother who can convince their brood to park in front of a video. If my hair is not washed or my legs are hairy, it is not due to a napless child, instead it is due to a night on the town or too much work launching my art career and waking up in the nick of time for my shift.

I do, however, find great joy in the snippets of time spent with my four-year-old sister. We snuggle, I smell the beautiful smell of a child's hair, we laugh and play, I soothe her if she falls down, we learn, play with dogs and when she grows bored of my follies, here comes dad to whisk her off back to their home in Tucson.

As the valued time with my customers winds down, before I get a chance to grow tired of them, they are off to their next great adventure at work. "Phew!" on both accounts.

Lately, I have learned a valuable expression that I sincerely wish I could use at work.

"Why can't you split our checks?"

"Why are you out of coffee?"

"Why is the gratuity added?"

"Why can't we let our rugrats run wild through the walkway of waiters?"

"Why can't you work for me?"

"Why are the prices higher?"

"Why can't I have chocolate donuts for breakfast?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!"