Top Of The Table

K-Lee

Nov. 15, 2001

All right, that is it. I have had it with you people! The next one of you who snaps your fingers, waves frantically in the air or shouts at me while I am tending to another guest, is really gonna get it.

Yesterday, a lady apparently needed my attention. Something was absolutely, horribly wrong. An immediate response was needed. She nearly shot her big behind out of that chair as she spastically waved her long arm in my direction while shouting,
"Um- EXCUUUUUSE ME?"

Other diners glanced up. I was halfway across the room and wondered if perhaps this woman had recently been hired by the airlines and was practicing landing an aircraft. Maybe she was booted from her high school cheer squad and was making up for lost time. Omigod! Maybe she noshed on a shard of glass in her pita wrap (I wish) or a scorpion bit her on her big mouth while she sipped her delightful carbonated beverage (I could only hope). Even worse, judging by her ridiculous flagging, I suspected she might be having for a seizure. On my way to the phone for a quick finger dance to 9-1-1, I rethought my next move. Maybe she was just an idiot. Better go back before calling in the big guns to assist her in whatever was ailing her.

"Yes?" I tightly smile, "Did you need something?"

"Yeah, I need some water."

O.K. There ya have it folks. This delicate little flower just blew it with me in a big way. I mean all of that drama for a stinkin glass of H20?

Snapping fingers, whistling, or the favorite, "Yoo-Hoo" are surefire techniques to:

A. Ensure that your server will suddenly become blind.
B. Predict that your server will soon be deaf.
C. Guarantee that your server will disappear until you are on your way out the door.
D. Win you a spot in the local "Bonehead Rodeo"
E. All of the above

Working at a local sports bar during NBA playoff season when the Phoenix Suns were in a hot streak, gave me a heightened appreciation for the high-five, the one arm up cheer, and the jump out of your seat yell.
Yes, I am sarcastic.
Let's do the recipe.
-One frazzled waitress
-One very full tray of 12-ouncers
-Blend casually with many drunken fools annd mix until the substance becomes sticky and sweaty.
-At an unsuspecting moment combine with a 3-pointer and be sure the waitress is directly behind many large, inebriated men who will commence to shoot from their seats, arms raised, high-fiving, consequently gaining themselves a sudsy little shower of beer. Oh, and yes, they will still pay for those beers.

Probably my very favorite attention grabber comes from that very special person who thinks they are more important than the one you are serving at the moment. You know the one. You might be delivering your greet, the day's specials, or perhaps you are a warm enough server to even engage in small talk.

"Hey, how about those Diamondbacks?"
or
"You folks on your way to the show?"
or
"What are you celebrating this evening?"

Then, all in a sudden that screech comes out. The banshee yell is delivered. The careless whine of a neighboring table overpowers any conversation you might be having with your table.

"Can I get some more blah-blah-blah?"

Of course, you would never gratify such a rude patron (would you?) by interrupting your current guest.

"I Said, Can I Get Some More Blah-Blah-Blah?"

This is when your back slowly turns toward the rude fucker and offering them a view of what they are (that would be an ass, for you slower readers) while giving your present table a sympathetic smile as they try to order.
Then, there it comes. Are you ready?
Another (Poor sap) server is walking by, in close enough proximity to be shouted at.

"EXCUSE ME! MY WAITER KEEPS IGNORING ME. CAN I PLEASE GET SOME MORE BLAH-BLAH-BLAH?"

Way to go, poor sap; just keep on walking.

For more tips on how to be ignored by your server, visit

www.iamstupid.com
http://peoplewhoshouldeatathome.org