Top Of The Table

K-Lee

Dec. 15, 2001

There is a fly in your soup, a hair in your sauce, a wrapper of some sort in your salad. What to do? How does the appalled diner handle this situation? Perhaps I can offer some insight as to the ways not to handle it. First of all, do not act as though you are so wretchedly sick that I may need to phone for an ambulance. Do not shout out loud to your co-diners that this is the dirtiest place you have ever eaten. Do not belittle me as if I have plucked that fly from the windowsill, planted it among your greens to personally witness the ridiculous scene you are about to make. And please, don't anonymously leave me a nasty note about it to read after you have vacated the premises before allowing me a chance to amend the problem. Oh sure, it is a tad yucky to discover one of our earthly creatures wedged between a fold of lettuce and your cucumber. And sicker still is drawing a strand from your mouth full of food. And yes, it is sooooo gross to find a floaty in your beverage!

Now, may I ask? Have you ever discovered any of these fine additives in your own home, among your very own groceries, or even worse, has a family member or guest found it before you did? Is there not a splotch of drippy stuff on your refrigerator shelf or caked on the oven? Tell me (you liar) that you have never plucked a little doggie or kitty hair from your jowels while gnoshing away at your meal. Folks, things happen. Many things that happen are not pleasant. When bad things happen to bad people, it is my job to make bad things good and bad people not so bad. When I ask you what I can do to make it better, make it up to you, or to make you happy, I mean it. Don't call me over, abuse me with a string of harsh words and opinions and then stammer when I ask what I should do. I mean it when I ask. How I handle your situation, determines if you will see that this is no way my fault, personally, that yes, I am sorry, and hey, how can we fix it? Would you like a new one, a different item, or a quick exit from our restaurant? Should I remove it from your bill, inform the manager, or handle it myself? As a team we can figure something out to make us both happy and then I wont come to your house for dinner and cause a huge scene when I watch you brush off the baby's pacifier and plop it back into her mouth. I will bite my tongue when I watch you cut up the salad with the same knife you used to lift the lid out of the dog food can. And I wont call you on that little ass scratch you delivered yourself before spooning out my helping. Oh, and I promise I will not reply to your complaint with the ever cheesey, "Hey, we wont charge ya for that fly-it's extra protein ya know!"
Now, we're even.