Top Of The Table

K-Lee

Oct. 7, 2001

With the fear of "the end of the world as we know it" gradually subsiding (but NEVER leaving our minds), my faith in boneheaded customers resumes. I am sure that there will never exist a shortage of dumbasses that choose to dine in public. I am certain folks who "don't get out much" will always be present in my line of work. Please, let me expound.

The terrorist attacks brought a heightened sense of security everywhere we look. Life will truly never be the same. It is unfortunate that such a blow to our American family had to come to bring us to our senses as well as to instill a need to bond. Personally, I have become hyper-aware of people and their actions. It is just this awareness that had karma returning a favor to one of my non-tipping guests.

Very soon after the attacks on our nation, I waited on a man and a young woman. He seemed nervous, sketchy, and wouldn't look me in the eye. I dropped their check and before I could get back to see if they needed change, they disappeared into thin air. On the seat next to the table was a ratty looking black duffle bag. I picked it up to hand over to our counter person to keep in a safe place. She was not around so I decided to have another server witness my shuffling through the bag for some ID to perhaps phone the loser (pun definitely intended, as you will learn later why) of the bag. Upon my search I discovered nearly ten thousand dollars in checks made out to various individuals, from different banks and some were paychecks while others were personal checks. This alone was odd to me and I thought it must be the workings of a con artist or a thief. The next thing I discovered was the name badge in the plastic cover of the bag displayed a woman's name. This was more reason for me to suspect we had just served some sort of convict. The last clue for me was finding a Flight Association badge tucked behind the name insert. I panicked and probably due to media propaganda as well as my own neurosis, opted to call the cops. During a tense period of waiting for the cops with dispatch on the phone and the man returning for his bag, I tried to remain calm and informed him that we had locked his bag in the office for safekeeping and couldn't find a manager with a key. He waited, but like a dealer waiting for his buyer, he seemed agitated and kept looking around.

The cops finally arrived and questioned this man a great deal. At this point I finally let out my breath and opened up the check presenter where his bill and money were. The rat bastard who was claiming to be the general manager for a neighboring restaurant had left me exactly 33 cents on a $32.67 bill.

If you ask me, that in itself was a crime and reason to frisk the jerk and cuff him! The guy left free and clear, apparently convincing the cops that is was his ex's bag and the checks were paychecks, blah, blah, blah… But I did find sweet justice in the fact that he had to be detained right in front of me for questioning after leaving behind his questionable bag of goodies, as well as a weak tip.

General manager, my ass!

Mike Moorehead, are you reading?
K-Lee