1. Thou shalt not touch thy waiter or waitress
2. Thou shalt not be late and expect thy waiter or waitress to get thou where thou art going on time
3. Thou shalt not ask to enter the restaurant before it is open or linger after it is closed.
4. Thou shalt not let thy children run wild in the restaurant
5. Thou shalt not drink to excess and become meaner than usual
6. Thou shalt not place thy elbows on thy table so thy waiter or waitress cannot serve thou
7. Thou shalt not ignore thy waiter or waitress when thy waiter or waitress is trying to take thy order
8. Thou shalt not whistle, yell, or snap thy fingers to get thy waiter's or waitress's attention. Ever
9. Thou shalt not complain frivolously, for sport, or become thy needs are not being met in thy real life
10. Thou shalt not leave less than a 15 percent tip

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The Check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00

Editors Note:

Bug in the soup..included at no extra charge (Will be fixed with tomorrow's soup of the day)

One's own position on the appropriateness of tipping is irrelevant. In New York, there are certain rules. If you deviate from these norms of tipping then you need a good reason. Obviously, this is a ridiculous state of affairs but it is the reality and there is no amount of political theorizing that can get around it. The best way to think about the situation is to understand that tips are not really tips. Waiters' salaries (and restaurants' prices) are predicated on certain tipping assumptions so you should only use your tip as a protest in extreme situations.

The rules here are: Tip 15% of the pre-tax bill for normal to good service, 20% for excellent service, more if you are a millionaire or celebrity (or both). In top restaurants, it is common to adjust these numbers upwards by two or three points. If you are lazy, doubling the New York sales tax gets you to 16.5%. 10% is appropriate to convey severe dissatisfaction (with the service, that is-- tipping is NOT about the quality of the food!). Zero would be appropriate only in the event of willful and wanton abuse. A dollar per item is standard for the coat check.

Twenty bucks cash for a helpful maitre d' may, depending on the situation, be in order. Remember, though, that most (but not all) restaurants pool tips so everybody is going to get a cut in the end. As for the silly and dwindling practice of putting lines on the charge slip for multiple tip categories, it is perfectly fine to cross them out and write in one collective number.

There is an argument that the tip should not be in proportion to the price of the wine where the wine is very expensive. Little extra effort, the argument runs, is expended to serve a fancy wine (save for perhaps decanting). There are those who choose to cap the wine tip at, say, $10 per bottle. I hardly ever face this quandary because I rarely order very expensive wines. I would not tinker with the tip in the event of a $30 or even a $75 selection (where a $10 tip would be 15% anyway). I leave it to the super-rich to decide the ideal tip on a $6,000 Petrus '82. If I can ever afford such wines, I will likely tip 100% of the bill (I am very generous with my unearned and unlikely fortune).

• The Connecticut Post
  
• The Wall Street Weekly
  
• The New York Times
  
• Wall Street Journal
  
• The Chicago Tribune
  
• Food Arts
  
• Phoenix New Times
  
• Yahoo Internet Life
  
• New York Times Magazine

Matthew Clark

---

12 pack after work
11 waiters walking
10 parties waiting
9 shots of Louis
8 stolen Crystal
7 mocha tortes
6 chairs short
5 angry chefs
4 call aheads
3 french baguettes
2 hundred covers
and
1 drunken manager

Matthew Clark
and
Shelley Bowen