Winter.
I must admit now that it often took me two to three hours to fall asleep most nights last winter. At the time, I attributed this to my unhappiness about relationships, although I now think it was more likely due to my inactive lifestyle.
"I'm still awake because I have too much to think about," I'd think, not "because I'm not tired."
I admit now that it's foolish to spend many months' nights dreading the day your only true friend moves away. That's basically what it was about. The inevitable loss and what to do about it.
(Is my love returned? Is it unfair to myself to commit to this? Is it unfair to them to ask them to? Don't I know that forces beyond my reach are causing this move and that nothing I could do would, or should be able to change it?)
It's ridiculous to lie awake plotting conversations and propositions of love and defeating them in your mind with the inevitable conclusions of parting. It's better to just make the best of things as they're happening. Six, then five, then four months can seem painfully short but they can also last forever.
So, I buried myself in projects. I tried to find work. I taught myself to make paper, to bake focaccia bread, to make amazing hommous, to baste things in olive oil and roast them with garlic, to play classical guitar, to patiently read all sorts of books…
I did make the best of things, just as I didn't seize the times at all and let them slip by. I also was very open and loving while also being heartbreakingly reserved and untrue (in my soul).
The months turned to weeks and then days and it happened, and was I affected by it? Wasn't I? I don't know.
Sometimes I wake up and say "Shit-that thing that happened five months ago that I haven't thought about since, that really upset me!"
It hasn't happened. We write, so we're somewhere between together and apart, perhaps holding our breath underwater for what are really only seconds, or maybe this is it? Maybe this is what love is?
Now, the next winter, I have less and yet I am richer, because I am patient and I know that I am blessed with kind and loving friends, and that it doesn't matter whether they live next door or two hours away or on the far coast.
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