“You promised me you’d talk to me Jo…”

I hear my words a split second after they leave my lips and curse the way they must have sounded to her fragile ears. The last thing I want to do is make things worse. I feel I’ve let her down somehow, if she can’t feel she can tell me what’s on her mind I must have done something wrong right?

I don’t want to hurt her anymore, I want to be there for her, the woman I love more than anything in the world. But there’s only so much I can do. I don’t want to admit it, but I can’t go on like this.

I know she needs time, I understand. She says I can’t, but it happened to me too. If she would just stop shutting me out and open her heart to me then we could help each other get through this. 4 months and she’s not said anything to me other than the usual polite “how was your day?” or “what would you like to eat?”. The kid of words you say to strangers, not your husband.

But I know it’s not her fault, even if she won’t believe me. Maybe I’m being selfish to expect her to open up so soon, maybe I should start by telling her my feelings. But I would have to figure them out for myself first.

I open my mouth to try and say something more but the words catch in my throat. I see her broken and crying on the sofa in front of me but it’s all I can do to stop myself from breaking down as well. It’s as if the tangle of emotions that have been slowly devouring me from within almost escaped, but are now choking me. Like the darkness that surrounds the both of us. Both in the room and in our minds.

I can’t breathe. I don’t know if it’s physically or if I’ve been suppressing my feelings for so long that my whole body is reacting to what my heart feels.

Feelings. I wonder if Joey feels anything at all. Or if the numbness that overcame me for weeks afterwards has lingered on in her. She blames herself, and as much as I want to calm her, tell her everything will be ok, take her in my arms and show her just how much I love her and always have, I know deep down that there’s nothing I can do or say.

I take a step towards her, and reach out to touch her tenderly on the shoulder. She doesn’t notice, he head is buried deep into the cushion. My fingers are inches from her soft, silky skin when I flinch and pull away.

I’ve been pretending I can cope, to myself more than her. But suddenly it’s like I’m a little boy again and all I want is for my Mom to pull me into a hug and hold me as I cry. A single tear slides down my cheek. I can feel it burn into my skin like the fire that shattered our lives. I wipe it away furiously, reminding myself that this isn’t about me.

I finally build up the courage to sit down next to her although I do not touch her. Her sobs seem to immediately die. But when I turn my head to look at her, I realise they’re still there, she’s just lost the energy to cry. Her body heaves silently and at last she turns her head to look at me. I can barely make out her face in the darkness, but her eyes shine to me through the dim light radiating through the window.

She pleads to me with those eyes, begging me to turn back the clock and make everything the way it was. How can someone’s life fall to the ground in a few short months? The happiness I had felt before seems a world away and I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that it ever happened in the first place. There used to be a time when we would tell each other everything, but then no problems in the world were ever as all consuming as this.

“Joey…”

That voice that just came from my moth wasn’t mine, it wasn’t the cock-sure, confident Pacey that everyone knew and loved, it was the sound of a timid, frightened mouse of a man and I hate my self for becoming vulnerable.

Joey seems to recognise something of me in my voice and slowly forces herself to sit up and leans in closer to me, unsure of herself, not fully knowing if it was the right thing to do.

I breathe a sigh of relief and feel the tension in my shoulders that I hardly knew was there flood out of me in a torrent. She still does not speak, but her simple actions convey more to me than any words ever could.

“I’m sorry Pacey….” I gently try to soothe her but my efforts are in vein. “I’m so sorry for putting you through this. I shouldn’t be making you feel this way, it’s all my fault.”

I listen to her words intently. It’s the first time she’s voiced her feelings since the accident and I savour every syllable. I hug her close, willing all her sadness to flood into me but I can feel her holding back.

“Joey, don’t blame yourself.” But I know that my words won’t mean anything to her. I hate myself for what I did. One stupid moment that may have caused me to loose another of the people I value the most. I blamed her. For only one fraction of a second, but for Joey that must have felt like a lifetime. I regret that moment, but my anger and grief was driving me insane and I lashed out without thinking.

What she says next could shape our whole future. Decide whether we’re there for each other to comfort and strengthen our bond or whether we drift apart like driftwood on a stormy ocean.

“I never meant for it to happen, I only stepped outside for a minute and the whole house was up in flames.” She’s sounding like she’s trying to justify everything to herself more than me. But I’m certain even she knows deep down that it was no ones fault but the stupid, spiteful god that looks down on us.

Now it’s my turn to speak. “I know, baby. I can’t help thinking if I was there then maybe I would have…”

For the first time, it’s Joey who comforts me. “It was nothing to do with you, I was the one…”

“He’s my son!” I yell without even thinking. “I mean, he was my son…”

I freeze, realising what I have just said. I can feel Joey pull away again as well. “I’m sorry” I continue, “I just still can’t believe that he’s gone.” Another tear slides down my cheek, but this time I let it, I don’t try and bury me feelings from the world because I know if I do it will destroy us. And I couldn’t bear to loose Joey as well.

Joey looks up at me and tries her best to force a smile. I reach up and cup her face in my shaking hands. She spoke. “The day Matthew died, something in me died too...”

I only nod, I really don’t know what to say. “I know.” The smile I give her back is genuine. Despite my grief, I’m glad we’re finally on our way to working through it. “I’m so glad we’re talking.”

I see Joey’s face fall. Maybe I don’t fully notice, or maybe I just don’t want to hear what she’s about to say next but I carry on. “We both need some rest” I sat urgently, trying to veer away from this rocky path that I don’t want to venture down. “Why don’t we talk in the morning?”

“Pacey…” Tears prick the backs of my eyes but I let her talk. “I still love you…”

“But?” I don’t want the hear what she’s thinking but I resign myself to the fact that I’m going to anyway so I suddenly just want it out of the way.

Joey drops her head and pulls out of my embrace, standing up and walking towards the door. “I need more time.”

A wave of nausea overcomes me. “No, no. Please, just talk to me.”

“I need some time on my own. I’m… I’m sorry” she stutters. “Pacey please, just let me go.”

I want more than anything to stand up, rush over to her and pull her into a hug. I want to do everything I can to keep her here but I’m rooted to the spot. The shock of her words has rendered me unable to move. Just when I thought we were working through… All I can do is call in vain to make her stay.

As she reached for her coat off the hook on the porch, my voice grows quieter and quieter. “I don’t want to loose you Joey, if you go it’s like you take my memories with you.” I know I’m being selfish, but my heart has over ruled my head.

She turns to me, pain and anguish flashing through her beautiful hazel eyes. She moves towards me and for a second I think she’s changed her mind but when she speaks, I know she’s leaving.

“You had four wonderful years with Matty, there’s nothing in the world that can erased them for you.”

“I don’t want to loose you , Jo.”

“You’re not loosing me. I just need to be on my own. I’m going to Bessie’s, I’ll be fine.”

“For how long?” My determination not to let go has grown. I’m sounding hysterical now but I don’t care.

“Pacey, let me go. I love you.”

I don’t know how long it takes my brain to comprehend the situation but I hear the door slam. “I love you too.” My voice is barely audible, even to me. But by the time those 3 words leave my mouth, she is gone.

“What’s up Daddy?” I jump and turn around but there is no one there.

I stare at the blue wooden door in front of me. “Nothing darling, Mommy’s just gone out.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll look after her.”

“Matthew?”

“Yes Daddy?”

“Don’t be scared.”

“I won’t.”

Then there was silence. The voice was gone and Pacey still sat in the middle of the cold, dark room. He was alone, he felt in his heart that it hurt her too much to face him and knew she wasn’t coming back. Not ever.