Carter sat on the soft cushioned chair staring into the sky. Lily was asleep in his arms and he gently rocked her back and forth singing softly to her. The sun shining in the sky, the spring blossom on the trees, the bird song soft in the trees in no way reflected the thoughts and feelings of all that gathered.

The vicar’s words echoed around him but barely sunk in. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” Carter couldn’t help feeling that he shouldn’t be there. This wasn’t Abby, nothing that was going on around him, apart from the little girl lying peacefully on his lap, reminded him at all of the man he loved.

She wouldn’t ant this. She would be allergic to the flowers, wouldn’t like the heat. She’d complain that she hadn’t seen half these people in years, what were they doing here? She’d want a few close family and friends. People she loved and saw everyday, not some strangers she hardly knew that only came out of some sense of responsibility.

When Gamma died, Carter could feel her there. At the funeral, he felt like she was watching. Abby wasn’t watching, she couldn’t feel her next to him telling him everything would be alright. Because it wouldn’t, nothing would be hey way it was ever again without Abby by his side.

Carter felt numb. He couldn’t even cry or feel any pain. His mind was barely aware that he was conscious. It was as if he had floated out of his body and was watching this scene from above.

He suddenly felt and intense need to get out of there. To go home, take a walk, sit by the river. Just find somewhere that reminded him of her. Somewhere where he could feel close to her again, because this wasn’t it.

Everyone else began to stand up and move away. Carter just sat there, unable to move. He wanted so much to get up and run away from everything that was falling apart around him but he couldn’t. He felt a hand touch his shoulder.

“Hey, do you need a lift to the wake?”

Maggie smiled at him, despite her red puffy eyes and the tears that were beginning to dry on her cheeks. Carter looked up at her but he just couldn’t say anything. What do you say to someone who’s just lost their daughter? What do you say to someone who’s just lost their wife? He’d never found it hard to cope with grieving relatives but now he was on the other side of it all he realised how empty his words must have sounded.

“Erm, can you take Lily? I think I’ll walk.”

Maggie looked at him with concern and lifted the tiny baby out of his arms, careful not to disturb her. Carter nodded a thank you to her and began to walk away. Away from the dispersing crowds towards the other end of the cemetery, eager to escape.

He walked along the newly laid gravel path and opened the black wrought iron gate, not looking over his shoulder once. He didn’t care what anyone else was doing, he only cared about Abby. He wondered to himself what she was doing now.

She’ll be up there, peaceful and resting. With Gamma and Grandpa, Bobby, Lucy, all looking after her. He smiled despite himself as the first hint of emotion he had felt that day gradually began to seep out of the empty space inside him that, up until 2 weeks ago, was brimming over with love.

* * *

Carter sat on a bench outside Docs, staring across the street as countless ambulances rolled up, off loading patients and driving away again. He’d lost track of how long he’d been sitting her but it was starting to get dark. He’d sat by the river for a while, just gazing out over the water, exactly like he had done when Abby had just died.

He couldn’t stay there for long though. That place, which used to hold only happy memories for him about Abby was now only filled with sadness. He needed to be somewhere she was when she was alive, even if he couldn’t bring himself to go inside.

Here she worked everyday, doing what she loved, saving people’s lives. Even if this was the place she died, she was still alive here, her memory wouldn’t be lost.

The door of the diner behind him swung open for the millionth time since he’d been sitting here. The familiar sounds of voices and laughter from inside radiated out into the warm night air as the fluorescent glow from inside bathed the street in light.

This time though, someone said his name and walked up to him. It took a moment to register who it was but turned his head to see Pratt sit down, cradling a polystyrene cup of coffee.

He offered him a smile and looked out too towards the hospital. “Oh, would you like this? You look exhausted.”

Carter sighed, he just wanted to be alone. “No thanks” he said simply, “I don’t think I could eat or drink anything right now.”

After a while, Pratt spoke again. “Listen man, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there today. But I was thinking about you…”

“It’s ok, someone had to work.”

Pratt nodded and stared into his coffee, unsure of what to say. “I’m sorry Carter, Abby was…” he trailed off. “She was fun to work with and a great doctor. It’s gonna be so weird without…” He stopped again and set his cup down on the ground, sitting back on the bench. “We’ll miss her, that’s all.”

Carter said nothing, only played with his hands in his lap.

Pratt fidgeted in his seat, acutely aware of the awkwardness of their conversation. The silence was broken by Pratt’s beeper going off, but he only looked at the screen briefly before replacing it in the pocket of his lab coat.

“You gonna answer that?” Carter asked.

“Nah” he said, “I’m on a break. It’s only gonna be one of the new med students asking me something they could handle on their own. Why I took this job I’ll never know…”

Silence returned between them. Pratt wanted to say something to ease this discomfort, to help his friend take his mind off today. “So, how’s Lily?”

Carter smiled. A genuine smile, not a forced out like he had been putting on all day to try and convince people he was fine, a proper one, full of love. “She’s great.”

“Keeping you up all night I bet.” Pratt smiled too, glad that Carter was finally talking.

“Not really. Susan’s been staying with us, helping out. She’s been a godsend. She’s back at my Dad’s house, at the wake.” Carter looked at his watch, “although she might have taken Lily back to the flat for the night. There’ll still be people there, I just didn’t face up to socialising.”

“I might stop by after my shift, if that’s Ok. You know, show my respects.”

Carter smiled. “I really must get going.” He stood up to leave and picked up his suit jacket that was lying next to him. “Thanks. You know, for listening.”

Pratt stood up too and grinned. “Any time.” He walked back across the street and under the bridge, disappearing from view. Carter only stood there with his hands in his pockets, thinking and staring at the stars.

* * *

Susan sat on the sofa in the apartment after most of the guests had left. Guests. She’d never met most of them before in her life. All she wanted was close friends, she had said goodbye to her best friend today, and she didn’t need to spend her energy trying to make conversation with strangers.

She shifted a sleeping Lily from her right shoulder to her left and picked up her luke-warm cocoa from the coffee table. She could hear Elizabeth rattling around in the kitchen clearing up and the last remaining people gathering up coats and bags and leaving with a few mumbled words along the lines of “thank you for today”, “we’re sorry for your loss”. The truth was, she wasn’t listening. It wasn’t her they should be saying this to anyway, it was Carter.

“Can I get you anything to eat?” she heard Elizabeth call. She must have taken Susan’s tired silence to mean no because a few moments later she entered the living room with her own drink and sat down next to Susan.

Elizabeth smiled and stroked Lily’s soft blonde hair. “How are you all coping?”

Susan sighed. “I guess I’m doing OK. Carter though… He just seems so distant, I don’t know what to do to help him.”

Elizabeth placed her mug on a coaster on the table and placed a hand on Susan’s shoulder. “Just give him time, be there for him. I know how I felt when I lost Mark, it takes time.”

“I know that” Susan said, a little more forcefully than she intended. She softened. “I realise that, I know he’s hurting and I want to give him space, I do. But he has this little one to think of.” She hugged Lily closer and lay her down in her lap. “It breaks my heart every time I look at her and think this little girl will grow up without knowing her mommy.”

“I know” Elizabeth said, “I remember that feeling whenever I hugged Ella, or kissed her good night. That feeling never left me for months. But it gets easier eventually.” She paused as she caught site of the clock on the mantel. “Where is Carter anyway?”

Susan shook her head. “I don’t know. He said he was going for a walk. It’s getting later though, maybe I should ring him.”

“Susan” Elizabeth began in a soothing voice, “time. He’ll come back when he’s cleared his head, today was hard on all of us. We all miss Abby but her was married to her. He probably feels he’s the only person in the world with no one to talk to.”

Susan smiled but didn’t say any more. She knew already that all Lizzie was saying was true but she didn’t know for sure what to do. Every case was different she thought, but having advice from someone who’d been through it all before was a great help. “I better put Lily to bed” she said after a while, “I was hoping Carter would be home before her bed time but I guess he won’t.”

Elizabeth stood up too and grabbed her coat from the back of a chair. “I should get home to Ella too and relieve the baby sitter.” She gave Susan a hug, careful not to harm Lily, sleeping peacefully on Susan’s shoulder and opened the door to leave.

“I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

“I know” Susan smiled and she left. She picked a soft yellow duck with a blue ribbon up off the seat behind her and sank into the chair. She exhaled loudly and turned to the baby. “It’s been exhausting today, hasn’t it Lil?” Susan smiled when all the got in response was a spit bubble. “I think it’s time to lie down, your daddy will say goodnight when he comes in, he shouldn’t be long.” Susan cast a weary glance out the window as she walked into the nursery. “Where could he have got to?”