I'm sorry.

What do those words actually mean? I'm. Sorry. Not a lot, but I can't think of a better way right now to express how much remorse I feel towards everyone I hurt.

I realise now that the way I acted was completely unacceptable (what an understatement!) and, with risk of sounding like a broken record, I am truly sorry.

When I think back on how I was. I'm filled with regret and I want more than anything to turn back the clock and put right all my wrongs and, let's face it, after living on a hellmouth, I'm not ruleing out the possibility that that might happen!

I just didn't care. I took what I wanted, I did what I wanted, not giving a second thought to the concequences or who I might hurt. I thought that because I was a slayer, It made me better than everyone else. How wrong was I?

Buffy's a slayer too. She never abused her calling and, all the time I knew her, she kept sight of the mission to see off creatures from hell and not once did she use her power for evil.

I tried to pull her down with me, show her that slaying was 'fun'. But it's not meant to be fun. The powers that be didn't make me who I am just so I could have a bit of fun, I was supposed to protect the world from dark forces. Only now, since I've been stuck in this dark, dingy prison, I have come to realise that.

I thank God that she was strong. That she was not so easily lead by temptation and I'm glad she didn't turn out lilke me or there would be no one else out there fighting the good fight to save man kind.

I started out with good intentions, to make the world a safer place, and for a while it worked, I made a difference, but then I started to develop bad habits.

My technique was dangerous and it was only a matter of time before something tragic had to happen. I completely zoned out, rushed in blind with a fatal desire to kill and never thought through what I was doing and didn't realise how many lives I was endangering.

That attitude was my undoing. That's what cost a mans life and pushed me over the edge. One seconds bad judgement and I started to spin out of control.

Sure, I never meant to kill him but I have no excuses for the countless things I did afterwards.

I guess I was in denile. I didn't accept that it was my fault. I thought thet if I tried to forget about it, it would go away. But it didn't. I had a murder hanging over my head and the only way I could find to deal with it was to discard my conscience and do what I pleased, not allowing my self time to think about it.

How can I appologise to everyone now? After everything I did to them? I kidnapped Willow, practically raped Xander then almost strangled him, tourtued Wesley half to death.

And I hurt Buffy more than I realised, not to mention Riley. She threw me a lifeline and was prepared to help me but I just threw it back in her face.

Then all that stuff with the mayor. I know it sounds stupid, but he was the only person in my entire life that has ever made me feel wanted. He made me feel special and he actually needed my for something. Loosing him is proberbly what pushed me over the edge. I wanted to get revenge.

I killed, I maimed, I stole and no one in my life mattered except for me. They were merely things for me to use and play with, then throw out like and old drinks can.

I took a 200 year old vampire who has killed and maimed and stolen a thousand more times than me to get through to me. I can't explain it. Something just clicked and I finally realised what I had done.

I don't expect anyone to ever forgive me, I know I will never forgive myself but I really have changed and I truthfully want to be a slayer again. I just want a second change to try and make up for what I have done.