“How could you do this to me Kirstie? I trusted you and you threw it back in my face!”

Kirstie and Paul stood across the kitchen from each other. Kirstie had tears streaming down her face but Paul glared at her, both hurt and anger visible in his eyes.

“Please, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I…”

“No, save it. I don’t want to hear your excuses.”

Kirstie just stood there, staring at him through blurry eyes. She truly meant what she said, she didn’t mean to go behind his back and make him feel this way. Deep down, she did still love him but she couldn’t help how she felt.

She could hear the thunder and lightning outside and the rain beating against the window. It was a perfect mirror of the turmoil that was going on inside her, between her heart and her head. Each one was fighting to be heard.

Ever since she had left Holby, she hadn’t stopped thinking about Tash. She knew that she probably would have moved on by now, it had been 4 years, but she continued to cling desperately to the hope that Tash would take her back.

“And what about Adam? Where does he factor into your plans?”

Kirstie covered her face with her hands, leaning against the worktop by the sink. Newfound tears welled up in her eyes.

“I love him!” Kirstie yelled, furious at the tone of her fiancé’s voice that suggested other wise. “He’s still our son.”

“Then why would you do this?”

“This has got nothing to do with him! I just don’t love you enough anymore, I want to be with…” Kirstie trailed off, suddenly feeling very small.

“Tash?” Paul shouted. “That’s her name isn’t it?”

“Stop shouting” Kirstie pleaded, “You’ll wake Adam.”

“No! You don’t get to use him as a way out. You cheated on me Kirstie, with a woman, you can’t blame me for being angry!”

“I wasn’t cheating on you” Kirstie defended, but realised her efforts were hopeless. There was no way Paul was going to listen.

“Then what do you call this?” He threw down a letter on the kitchen table. Kirstie just stared at it. She knew what it was; she knew what it said off by heart. The letter that she had written when she first realised her true feelings and never sent.

She had read it over and over, trying to work up the courage to post it. But she never did. She wished now that she had, and then Paul would never have been able to find it.

If she had sent it, then at least she would know how Tash felt before she ruined everything else. She knew it wasn’t fair on anyone to do it that way but it was the only way she could think of.

“You weren’t going to tell me were you?” Paul asked, suddenly sounding hurt. His words snapped Kirstie back to reality and she looked at him. “If I hadn’t have found the letter, then you never would have told me, would you?”

Kirstie shook her head and sank down to the floor.

“I can’t believe this.” Paul threw his hands up in exasperation and turned towards the wall. “When you said you’d marry me, did that not mean anything to you?”

“I still love you” Kirstie said, but she sounded unsure and Paul knew it.

“You’re gay! You love this Tash woman! How can you love me too?”

“I don’t know!” Kirstie blurted out, and knew instantly that wasn’t the best thing to say. She sighed. “I didn’t mean for it to get this far. When I left Holby, I was confused. I just needed someone to talk to.”

“Is that all I was? A bit of comfort?”

“Yes, to begin with, then Adam was born and you moved in and I truly thought I could love you.”

“So you don’t love me? You lied again?” Kirstie could see the confusion on his face.

“Not like that, no. But I do care for you.”

“Stop it! Stop trying to talk me around. You’ve done enough.” A sudden burst of anger erupted inside him and he roughly pulled Kirstie up from the floor. “I can’t deal with this now! Get out!”

His bellowing voice echoed round the whole house and woke their 2 year old son upstairs. He started crying.

“Paul, stop it!” He pushed her down the hallway. The heavy rain was still pounding down outside and the overall noise was deafening. “Get off, I’m not leaving my child!”

“You’re not taking him, damn it! He’s staying with me.”

Kirstie was hysterical now. The thought of abandoning her baby terrified her and a sickening nervous feeling rose in the pit of her stomach. This whole relationship had been one big mass, she realised that now. Adam was the only good thing to happen to her in a long while and there was no way in hell she was going to loose him.

Kirstie struggled to pull free of Paul’s grip and managed to wriggle free. She bolted for the stairs and Paul rushed after her.

She made it to the top of the stairs but he leaped in front of her and blocked Adam’s doorway. Kirstie could see her son over his shoulder. Adam was standing up in his cot screaming and reaching out to his mum.

Kirstie saw his distress and couldn’t bare it. “Please, let me past, he’s frightened.”

“Well, whose fault’s that?” Paul showed no sign of relenting. He was adamant that she wouldn’t get inside. He pushed her away and closed the door loudly, making Adam’s cries grow louder.

Kirstie stared at him in shock, unable to believe that he was doing this. He loved their son, he wouldn’t want him to be this scared. She couldn’t believe this was the same man.

For the first time that night, Kirstie felt angry. The thought that she might never see her baby again triggered a feeling deep inside her that she didn’t know she had. “Let me get my son” Kirstie told him in a calm, low voice.

By now Paul had let his guard down, thinking he’d won and had moved away from the door. Kirstie noticed and grabbed his shoulders, heaving him up against the wall.

She turned the door handle and swung open the door. She ran over to the wooden cot in the corner and scooped up her child. He immediately seemed to calm down and she kissed the top of his head, running back out the door.

“Kirstie! Come back here!”

Paul had got over his brief disorientation and Kirstie could hear him yell as she charged down the stairs and unbolted the front door. She wasn’t really listening to what he had to say though; she just concentrated on getting out of there.

The rain was pouring down and she could feel it soak rapidly through her clothes. She felt the cold get to her but she didn’t care. She wrapped Adam tighter in her coat. He had almost stopped crying completely now, only whimpering slightly. She walked quickly down the drive and despite all that had just gone on, she smiled to herself.

She was going to be a lot happier now, she could tell. She had finally acted on her feelings and felt relieved.

She had left Paul, she had her son. Now all she needed was Tash.