The next morning, they were warmly greeted as they walked into the E.R. Everyone wanted to hear about their trip and how the conference had gone. A select few wanted to know how John was doing, expressing their concern that he had been hit that seriously by the flu. Chen was one of those who seemed to have an endless supply of questions about John and how he was doing. Dave made note of her interest and pushed his plan to ask her out on a date to the back burner. It was more than obvious that she would prefer to go out with John, even if neither one of them knew it yet. Of course, he was also amused by the questions that Abby Lockhart had for him about John. And that was definitely interest he was seeing in her eyes. So, it looked as if John Carter's love life was going to be very interesting once he returned to Chicago. Why couldn't he ever be that lucky, Dave thought.
What surprised Dave was when Peter Benton asked a lot of questions about John. It wasn't something that he expected of him, even after the way the man had behaved back when John had been stabbed. Dave knew that Peter and John had known each other for a few years, but he had never pegged them as being friends. Not the way he was friends with John. He began to wonder if there was a story there that he hadn't heard yet. He was about to ask Chen about it when he remembered how hurt he had been to find that other's felt he was nosy and a gossip. That made him keep his mouth tightly shut. If he really wanted to know that much then he would either ask Peter outright or wait until John came home and ask him. No more asking other people to give him the low down on their colleagues.
Dave was also surprised when he was paged to Doctor Daraad's office. When he got there, he saw that Luka was there as well. They went in together knowing the man wanted to talk to them about John.
"Kerry Weaver told me that you both have been ill from the flu. I hope you're feeling better," Daraad said as he indicated for them to sit.
"Much better, thank you," Dave answered. "I take it that you want to talk to us about John Carter."
"I heard that he was seriously ill from the flu. Very ill. I also know that Kerry had his medical records faxed to Ohio. I hope that they were able to help his doctors."
"Doctor Daraad, we know that John was taking an MAO Inhibitor prescribed by you. Unfortunately, we didn't find out about it until after I had given John a lot of cold and flu medicine. That's what made him seriously ill," Luka said.
"I was afraid of that. As far as I know, no one else here knows that he's been seeing me, or that he's taking an anti-depressant."
"We gathered that much. You don't have to worry about that, we won't tell anyone," Dave assured him.
"Although there wouldn't have been a problem if John would have let us know that he was on an anti-depressant in the first place," Luka added.
Daraad nodded. "I agree with you about that. But, it's not my decision to make, Doctor Kovac, it's John's. And he doesn't want anyone to know. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I know the two of you must be extremely busy since it's your first day back."
"You're welcome. Any time we can be of help, just let us know," Dave said as he stood.
"I appreciate that. Have a good day, and if you feel the need to talk, my door is always open."
"We appreciate that. Thank you." Luka headed out the door with Dave right behind him.
"So why would he say that his door is open? Does he think we need counseling now?" Dave asked.
"Suffering from the flu can make a person depressed, Dave. He's just being a good psychiatrist, that's all." Despite his words, Luka was sure Daraad had known that he felt guilty for putting John into the hospital. As much as he tried to rationalize away his guilt by saying that John was partially responsible for not telling him about his prescription, Luka knew that he was at fault. He couldn't erase the images that filled his mind at night: John begging him to not leave him alone. John seizing and unable to breathe. Looking pale and fragile as the ambulance inched it's way through the snow. No, he couldn't forget those images. He had done that to John because at the time he thought he knew what was best for the man. He had been wrong and it had nearly killed John. And now he found himself hesitant to return to his job in the E.R., not knowing if he would do something similar to someone else. How could he take another person's life into his hands? He didn't know the answer to that question. All he knew was that it was his job and he had to do it. All he could do now was hope and pray that he didn't let his own arrogance get in the way of good medical care.
Dave leaned against the wall of the elevator, wondering if he should say anything to Luka. He could tell that the man was upset about something, but he wasn't sure if now was the time or place to inquire as to what it was. Not that he really needed to ask. He knew that Luka felt guilty over John's condition. Felt that he had nearly killed him. Dave had been unable to convince him otherwise, and apparently, neither had John. Maybe if he just gave Luka some room, he would talk about it when he was ready, Dave thought. Then he remembered how long Luka had worked at County before revealing anything about his past. Luka might never be ready to talk about John. Dave opened his mouth to reassure Luka once more that he was not at fault, but they reached the E.R. floor and the doors opened.
"Time to get working," Luka said as he stepped out of the quiet of the elevator and into the ever present chaos of the E.R.
The day passed quickly for Dave. He had to force himself to stay with each patient that he was assigned to, but he did it, and by the end of the day he felt good about it. He no longer felt that he had to prove anything to the others. He was a good doctor, even if he had not seen as many traumas as the others.
He was whistling a happy tune as he got his coat out of his locker.
"Dave, do you have a minute?"
He turned around and nodded at Kerry Weaver. "Sure, chief. What's up?"
"I know that you and Luka came down with the flu at the same time, but you seemed to be fine today."
"I feel good. Not quite up to normal, but not sick either."
"I've been watching you, and you've done a good job today. I'm a little worried about Luka though. Maybe I'm imagining things, but it seemed to me that he avoided everything except for traumas." She almost said that Luka was behaving the way Dave usually did, but she refrained from that. If Dave was going to start treating all of his patients equally, then she didn't want to say anything to put a stop to it. But, it definitely wasn't like Luka to stick to traumas and pass on taking any other patients.
"Well, I think that he's blaming himself about John ending up so sick. He feels he should have...noticed earlier that he was seriously ill." Dave hoped that Kerry didn't question him in detail about any of that. He didn't think he could find other words to describe what had happened to John and it was clear that Kerry didn't know that his being in the hospital was due to the drug interaction and not to the flu.
"Oh. Well, he shouldn't let that undermine his self-confidence. He's a good doctor."
"Yes, he is. Doctor Weaver, has he spoken to you about the two of us wanting a day off when John's released from the hospital?"
"No. You two just got back today, Dave. I don't know if I can let you have more time off."
"It's really important that we be the ones to bring John home, Doctor Weaver. We left him behind, and it just wouldn't feel right if we weren't the ones to bring him back to Chicago."
"I think I understand. It might not be an issue, Dave. Doctor Romano is looking into having John transferred here." She wasn't sure why Romano cared where John was, but the man had told her at lunch that he thought it would be best if John was being cared for at County as opposed to a hospital in Ohio. He was looking into the various transportation methods that could be used to bring him to Chicago. So far though she hadn't heard anything. John had been seeing Karl Daraad ever since he and Lucy Knight had been stabbed and Kerry was beginning to suspect that Daraad was behind Romano's attempt to bring John back to Chicago.
"Romano, huh? Not his family?"
Kerry regarded Dave coolly, not wanting to let on how angry she felt toward the Carter family at that moment. She knew that they had not bothered to go to see John. She also knew how badly that had to be hurting him. "No. The hospital will be taking care of it. We do have excellent insurance." But she wasn't entirely sure that the insurance would pay to have John moved to Chicago, and she was certain that John couldn't afford the expense. If his family wouldn't pay to have him moved, then John would have no choice but to remain in Ohio. It would be a cold day in Hell before Romano would pay for it, that much she knew.
"I've kept you here long enough, you should get home. You might want to see Cleo Finch before you leave. She's been asking for you," she said with a grin. Cleo had been one of the doctors who had worked double shifts to cover for the trio and Kerry knew that Cleo wanted Dave to return the favor.
"Thanks for telling me. I'll go find her now." Dave closed his locker door and hurried out of the lounge.
Kerry chuckled to herself, wondering why Cleo was wasting her time dating Peter Benton when it was so obvious to everyone else that she and Dave would make a great couple? Their eyes lit up the minute they saw each other and their rapid fire rapport kept everyone amused. Oh well, who was she to tell another person how to live their life? She was still trying to gather up enough courage to tell John that it was time for him to really move out, even though she didn't want him to leave. She simply couldn't afford having him there any longer, not professionally or emotionally. The longer he remained in her house, the stronger her feelings for him became. And she could never openly acknowledge her attraction.
"Luka, do you have a minute?" Carol asked as she walked up to him.
"I was just on my way home," he replied.
"Me, too. How about we go to Doc Magoo's and get some coffee? The sitter won't mind if I'm a few minutes late. Or better yet, why don't you come home with me and I'll fix you a cup of coffee?"
"That sounds all right. I'll wait here while you get your coat."
"Thanks." She grabbed her purse and her coat, then followed Luka out the door. He had driven his car to work, so they were able to ride in relative warmth to her house. Once there, Carol put on a pot of coffee while she listened to the sitter tell her about the twins' day. Then the sitter was gone and she and Luka were seated at her kitchen table, hot cups of coffee in front of them.
"This is much better than Doc Magoos," he said.
"Thanks. You've been a little down all day. Are you feeling all right?"
"I feel fine, you don't have to worry about me infecting the girls."
"That isn't how I meant, Luka. I can only imagine what it must have been like to have Carter become so ill and then not know if you would make it to the hospital in time. And then you and Dave became ill with the same strain of flu. It must have been scary for the two of you."
"It was scary. Not being ill with it, but going through all of that with John. He nearly died, Carol."
"That must be a very ugly strain of flu. I hear that Max Rosher died. That is who Carter caught it from, right?" Carol had overheard bits and pieces when Kerry had been on the phone, but she had not discovered the entire story. Just that Carter had ended up having to share a hotel room with Rosher, that Rosher had been ill with a strain of flu not covered in that year's flu shot and that he had died. Her heart ached for Anna. She knew that her old friend must be in a lot of emotional pain right now. But, her heart ached even more for Carter. She didn't know how he could have managed to spend five minutes alone in the same room with Rosher, let alone all those nights.
"He was HIV positive, so his immunity was already compromised. John didn't have that as a concern, but he was still gravely ill. He should have gone to the hospital much sooner than he did. I messed up and he nearly died because of that."
"Is that why you were so reluctant to treat patients today? You're afraid that you'll mess up again?" Carol gently asked.
Luka slowly nodded. "Yes. It's a strange thing, Carol. I used to think that Dave was an arrogant man who cared little for his patients. And then I was the one, who in my arrogance, almost killed a friend."
"Dave Malucci is arrogant, but that's beside the point. The point is that you are a wonderful doctor and you can't let one mistake make you doubt yourself. You should let this teach you to be more careful in the future, but not so careful that you become aloof and detached from your patients."
"Dave said the same thing. I just didn't believe him. I'm not sure I believe you. I know that if things were reversed, then I would be giving the same advice. But, things aren't reversed. I can't just ignore the fact that I nearly killed a friend because I didn't listen to him. I felt I knew better and I acted accordingly. I was irresponsible and reckless with his life. He says that he doesn't blame me, and that may be true."
"Knowing Carter, I would say that it is true."
"But, it doesn't really matter, Carol. The problem is that I blame me."
"And now you sound like Carter. Luka, you can't take the blame for things that are out of your control. You made a mistake, but Carter didn't die. He's fine. He doesn't blame you. You can't let this destroy you. Believe me, I know. Years ago I was responsible for the death of a patient. I gave him the wrong blood and killed him. The hospital wanted to blame it on the fact that the nurses were on strike, but I knew it was my fault. I had made the error. I won't bore you with all the details, but I ended up suspended and over that time, I realized that I couldn't let that incident ruin my career. I couldn't let it change the way I treated the patients. I'm a great nurse and I do my job well. The patients need great nurses. We do so much for them, Luka, and we have to be competent and compassionate in order to help them. In an ideal world, each of the doctors in the E.R. would be the same way. But, they aren't. You are one of the exceptions. You can't let this change you."
"I will try to keep that from happening."
Carol smiled warmly at him. "I hope you succeed. Carter is another one of the exceptions, Luka, and I think he would be very disappointed if you let this change you in any way. He thinks very highly of you."
"And I think very highly of him. He's a wonderful doctor."
The sound of crying reached them and Carol set her coffee cup back down. "The babies are awake."
"I promise I'm not contagious. May I help you with them?"
"Of course. Come on."
They went into the nursery and Luka scooped Tess into his arms while Carol picked up Kate. Holding a baby, any baby, never failed to calm him, and this time was no exception.
A few days later, Kerry pulled Luka and Dave aside.
"It looks as if John won't be moved here after all. The insurance won't cover it. I understand from Doctor Smith that John could be released tomorrow provided he has a place to stay where someone can watch him for a few days. So far, a lot of people have volunteered to go watch him at his place, but..."
"But that might be too crowded?" Luka suggested. He knew that she didn't want people finding out that John was still living with her and having people there to keep an eye on John would certainly give away her secret.
"Right."
"Hell, I have a big place. Two bedrooms even. I could clean out the guest room and he could stay there. It isn't that far from here, so everyone wouldn't have to go far to stay with him." Dave said.
"You wouldn't mind putting him up for about a week?" Kerry asked.
"Not at all." Dave grinned. "Provided of course, that we get to go pick him up tomorrow."
"I was just about to get to that part. Would you?"
"We would be honored, Kerry."
"Great. Find someone willing to cover your shifts tomorrow and you can go get him, then take him directly to Dave's. In the meantime, I'll go by John's and get the things he'll need. You guys can even have first crack at watching over him."
"That sounds great. Thanks, Doctor Weaver."
"No problem, Dave." Kerry walked away from them.
Dave turned to Luka, a big smile on his face. "I think I can get Cleo to cover for me again. What about you?"
"I'm sure I can find someone to cover for me. Maybe Chen or even Mark. We should plan to get an early start tomorrow."
"Right. And I'll need to get that spare room cleaned up."
"Why don't I come by tonight to help you with that? Then I can stay on the couch and we'll be on the road even sooner," Luka suggested.
"Good idea. Excuse me, I gotta go find Cleo and see if I can con her into working for me. See ya." Dave loped off toward the pedes trauma room and Dave headed for the admit desk, where he told Carol the good news about John.
"I heard that he was going to be released. A lot of people have volunteered to stay with him. I think that Randi has made up a sign-up sheet for it."
"Well, according to Kerry, Dave and I are first."
"And I know you'll do a great job."
"I hope so." Luka was afraid that he would mess up again. And this time John wouldn't be lucky enough to survive his error.
"Luka, there won't be that much to do. He's recovering from the flu, not a major surgery or illness."
"He nearly died, Carol," he snapped.
"I know that, Luka," she patiently replied. "But, he didn't. You and Dave kept him alive until he got to the hospital. You did well. You should be proud of the way you handled things and not so down on yourself because he became ill in the first place."
"He wouldn't have become that ill if not for me," he shouted.
Carol merely stared at him, then grabbed him by the sleeve of his lab coat and led him into the lounge. "Luka, you aren't this upset because you missed the fact he was sick with the flu. What really happened in Ohio? Spill it."
"I can't tell you what happened. To do so would violate John's privacy."
"I see." Carol led Luka over to the couch and pushed him down, then sat beside him. "I take it that this has something to do with the fact that Carter is taking an anti-depressant?"
Luka's head jerked around and he stared at her. "You know about that?"
"Yes. I know. Doctor Daraad gave him a script for Nardil. What happened Luka?"
"I asked John if he wanted any medicine to help fight the flu symptoms. He was pretty adamant about not wanting or needing to take anything. I bought something anyway. And I put it in his juice so he didn't know he was taking it." Luka got to his feet and began to pace in front of the couch. "I was so sure that Iknew what was best for him, Carol. So sure that I had no qualms about sneaking medicine to him. Not once, but twice. We gave him two doses of it. That's what made him so ill. It wasn't the flu. It was a drug interaction caused by me."
"You had no way of knowing what would happen, Luka."
"I know that. I also know that John didn't tell me why he didn't want any medicine. None of that matters, Carol. What matters is that I didn't listen to him. I assumed that I knew what was best for him and then acted on that assumption."
"Is John angry with you about that?"
"No. He's not."
"Then why are you so angry about it?"
"Because he nearly died," Luka yelled. Then he realized that he was yelling and he dropped into the nearest chair. "I almost killed him and I can't forgive myself for that."
"Have you considered talking this over with Doctor Daraad or one of the other psychiatrists on staff? If it bothers you to talk to someone who works here, then I can give you the name and number of a psychiatrist who isn't connected with the hospital."
"I don't know. John went to talk to a psychiatrist and look where he ended up."
"I wouldn't have pictured you as the type of person who thinks that it's a bad thing to seek help when needed," Carol softly replied.
"I'm not. I think that it's the sensible thing to do. I just don't think I can explain this to someone."
"You need to. The anger that you're directing at yourself isn't doing you or your patients any good. Everyone can see how hesitant you are now, ignoring ordinary patients in favor of traumas. They're talking about how it's as if you and Dave switched your personalities because he's now giving his full attention to every patient he gets and isn't dumping any of them on students or the nurses."
"You've noticed all of that?"
"The nurses notice a lot around here, Luka. Don't forget that. We see and hear things that you miss. And I can tell you another thing. Kerry Weaver has noticed. She's been watching you carefully since you got back."
"That I have noticed."
"Luka, please do yourself a favor and see someone before your anger and guilt get out of hand." Carol didn't even try to hide the concern she felt over Luka's state of mind.
"I'll think about it, Carol."
"I guess I can't ask more than that of you right now. Well, I have to get back to work. Why don't you come by for dinner tonight?"
"Thanks for the offer, but I told Dave I would help him get the guest room ready for John. I'm even staying the night there. We're planning on getting an early start tomorrow. The sooner we get to the hospital, the sooner we can get John back to Chicago."
"Tell him that we miss him," Carol said as she opened the door.
"I will." Luka sat still, enjoying the quiet as he thought about what Carol had said. And not just then, but what she had told him earlier. What she said made a lot of sense. He just wished he had the sense enough to take her advice. Sighing, he got to his feet and returned to work.
"I really appreciate you're taking the time to see me," Dave said as he reached for the door knob.
"I told you that my door was always open for you, Dave. I meant it. I just wish that you didn't have to drive all the way to Ohio tomorrow. I had hoped that Romano would find some way to get John brought back here." Karl Daraad shook his head, wondering why he had ever thought that Romano would pull whatever strings were necessary in order to get John Carter back to Chicago.
"I thought you were the one behind that," Dave said.
"I tried my best. I know he'll be happy to get home."
"Well, my apartment isn't exactly his home, but I guess it'll have to do, won't it?"
"Yes, it will. Have a safe trip, Dave."
"We will." Dave walked on out, then stopped short as he nearly collided with Luka in the reception area.
"Hey, Luka."
"Dave. I didn't expect to see you up here."
"I decided to take Doctor Daraad up on his offer to listen. He's in his office. That is, if that's what you're here for."
Luka slowly nodded. "Yeah. That's what I'm here for."
"Should I wait around for you or do you just want me to give you directions to my place?"
"Would you mind waiting?"
"Not at all. It will give me a chance to think about what I need to get at the store. I don't keep my fridge well stocked, so I'll need to make a run to the store tonight."
"I don't know how long this will take."
"It doesn't matter. But, Luka, it will go faster if you actually go into his office."
"Smart ass."
Dave grinned and Luka approached the door, knocking lightly, then entering. As the door closed, Dave let go with a sigh of relief. He had been hoping that Luka would decide to talk to someone. He knew that he was feeling better about things now that he had taken the time to talk to Daraad. Luka would also feel better about things, Dave had a gut feeling that he would. And tomorrow they would bring John Carter home where he belonged and everything would be okay for all of them.
An hour later, Dave's gut feeling was validated when the door to Daraad's office and Luka exited, looking better than he had before the day they left that conference in Buffalo.
"All done?" Dave asked as he stood and reached for his coat.
"For today. I've made an appointment to see him later this week. It seems I have a lot of other issues to work through. John was just the latest in a long string of mistakes."
"I know the feeling. Well, how about if we go get something to eat, then hit the grocery store, then see about getting that room ready for John."
"That sounds good to me. So, do you really have a bed in that room or do we need to buy one?"
"I have a bed. It's just messy in there. It collects all the extra junk I manage to collect."
"Ah, I see. I think. That was one advantage to living on a boat -- no room for junk."
"I can see where that might be an advantage. Maybe I should get a boat."
"From the way you describe your apartment, I think you would need something along the size of the Titanic to hold what you have."
"Oh really? And how much room do you have at your place?"
"Not much. I wisely chose a one bedroom apartment. Compact kitchen, dining area adjacent to the living room. One bathroom. Small closets. I moved all of my belongings in and still have space left over."
"That's sick, you know that? What about a t.v.? Stereo? And...just general stuff?"
"I've lived without all of those things for years, Dave. Why ruin my good record now? Besides, if I want to see something that bad, I have friends who are nice enough to invite me over," Luka grinned.
"I can always stop doing that, you know."
"You could, but then you'd miss my company."
"I can get other friends."
"Carol Hathaway is thinking of getting a large screen t.v."
"But, I can't think of anyone I'd rather invite over than you and John. As a matter of fact, you should feel free to just drop by at any time, Luka."
"I thought you might feel that way. Come on, let's find that food you were talking about. I'm starving."
They headed across to Doc Magoos where they ordered their dinner and made their plans for bringing John home. Like Dave, Luka knew that once John was back in Chicago, then things would be better. Doctor Daraad had told him that the three of them had gone through a lot together and that had created a unique bond between them. For some reason, Luka was reminded of the Dumas book, "The Three Musketeers". Three friends who were there for each other, even when they kept secrets from one another. Secrets were eventually learned and accepted, grievances forgiven. All for one and one for all, or something like that, Luka wasn't sure he was remembering it correctly. Yes, that was the three of them.
"You know, I was thinking that since you and I are now seeing Daraad, maybe we can get a group discount or something." Dave caught Luka's unamused look. "Or maybe not."
Luka laughed. "Don't ever change, Dave."
Dave grinned. "I'll do my best to stay this way, Luka. I promise. Hey, did I tell you what I had to promise to do in order to get Cleo to switch shifts with me? And she's even on Randi's list to watch John. You will never believe this."
"Try me."
Luka leaned back, listening with amusement as Dave related his latest tale. It was comforting to know that some things remained constant, and Dave was going to be one of those things. With a little luck, John would continue to be one of those things as well. In Luka's mind, constant and comforting equaled home and he knew he had made the right choice when he decided to make Chicago his home. They all had.