When one watches Are You Being Served?, it's very hard not to notice the wonderful Mr. Lucas. He's witty, he's good-looking, and above all, he's rude beyond belief. Alas, this only adds to his charm, and so I have composed a guide of the episodes that I own which he is in. (I have to admit that although I have nothing against Mike Berry, who played Mr. Spooner and replaced Mr. Lucas in the eighth season... I really, truly dislike the character of Mr. Spooner and think that he was a bit TOO rude and nasty... and a tad bit stupid--he never said anything with a wink and a grin like Mr. Lucas.)
Anyway... each episode is split up into sections. First Bit is, quite obviously, the first thing Mr. Lucas says in the episode. Outfit contains any and all of the outfits that he wears in a given episode (often, the same one over a span of a few days...). Shows Compassion for Another Character refers to if he is actually nice to someone else voluntarily, and Is Rude to Another Character details his cutting remarks about the other members of Grace Brothers. Distractor Factor is anything else in the episode that could just possibly... in the slightest, tiniest way... take your mind off Mr. Lucas (if only for a second). Last Bit is the last bit of speech he has in an episode; Order in Credits is the number in which he was shown; and Scene in Credits is what the little troublemaker is doing when they show his name. Lastly, The Quote is the best thing he says in the whole entire episode, in my personal opinion.
First Bit: "Anyone got a ladder?" (after the lift opens up and he's much too low to get out)
Outfit: Sorry, but I can't tell you the colours, as it's in black and white... he IS wearing, though, a pinstripe suit, light shirt, a tie, a (white?) handkerchief, socks, and shoes.
Shows Compassion for Another Character: To the Ladies' Department--
He very kindly helps out Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe with setting up their counters and things.
To Captain Peacock--
(Captain Peacock: "The effect is casual, but smart.") "Sets the pen off nicely, too."
Is Rude to Another Character: To Mrs. Slocombe--
(Mrs. Slocombe had to wait six months for her mannequin) "Well, at her age, what can you expect?"
(Captain Peacock: "With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees." Mrs. Slocombe: "Oh, I wouldn't say that.") "Neither would I."
To Miss Brahms--
(Miss Brahms: "What about obscuring [the dummy]?") "Alright, then--lend us your knickers."
To Captain Peacock--
(Captain Peacock tells him to straighten the dummy's stockings) [Mr. Lucas salutes Captain Peacock in a VERY evil way]
To Mr. Humphries--
(Mr. Humphries: "When you've been here for as long as I have, you'll get first bash.") "By that time, I shan't hear what the customer is asking for, for the creaking of my joints."
To Mr. Grainger--
Mocks Mr. Grainger's "Clear up that litter!"
To Mr. Grace--
(Mr. Humphries: "He's worth two million ... He can't take it with him.") "The way he's walking, it looks like he's carrying it on his back!"
Distractor Factor: The 'Beauty Belle' display model, complete with flashing lights and bells!
Last Bit: "Thank God for that." (Captain Peacock: "Well, then, everything is settled amicably.")
Order in Credits: First
Scene in Credits: Laughing cutely.
The Quote: "No, I haven't. I haven't ruined it. Well, I mean, they always do look too perfect, these models, don't they? I mean, people do have crooked noses, you know? Somebody might come in one day with a crooked nose, look at that dress, and say, 'I'll have that dress, it'll go with my crooked nose!'"
First Bit: "Yes, Mr. Grainger. Mr. Humphries, are you free, Mr. Humphries?" (in response to Mr. Grainger's "Mr. Lucas, is Mr. Humphries free?")
Outfit: Grey jacket, grey vest, off-white shirt, cranberry tie, grey trousers, black socks, black shoes.
Shows Compassion for Another Character: To Mrs. Slocombe--
"You don't want your tum to rumble just as you're about to say, 'This is so sudden!'"
Is Rude to Another Character: To Mr. Grace--
(Mr. Humphries says Mr. Grace doesn't look 70) "No... he looks about 85."
To the Ladies' Department--
(Mr. Humphries says the area where the Ladies' Department now is used to be known as 'Bargain Bags') "Now they're here, it still is."
To Mrs. Slocombe--
(Mrs. Slocombe: "Harrod's has been making some very interesting overtures.") "What for--the piano department?"
(Mrs. Slocombe: "And the beauty department at Swan and Edgar's have made me a very interesting offer.") "What was it? A free facelift?"
Distractor Factor: Mrs. Slocombe's outrageous 'lacquered solid' hair when she gets back from lunch...!
Last Bit: "Maybe he had the vicar upstairs, in his office?"
Order in Credits: Second
Scene in Credits: Putting on his overcoat with an annoyed look on his face.
The Quote: "I can tell you exactly what you'd see: tea for two, a silly old muffin, and a tired old bit of crumpet."
First Bit: "Yeah, alright, Mr. Grainger. Yeah, come on." (in response to Mr. Grainger's "Would you mind helping me with my gloves, please?")
Outfit: Tweed overcoat, black scarf (around his head), blue gloves, brown trousers, brown with lighter brown stripes jacket, brown socks, brown shoes, off-white shirt, brown-and-white-polka dot tie, off-white handkerchief. (And the very same on the next day...)
Shows Compassion for Another Character: To Mrs. Slocombe--
He hopes her "feeling queasy" is nothing serious; and he says that she had him "worried for a minute there."
Is Rude to Another Character: To Mrs. Slocombe--
(The team are coming up with phrases to use to attract customers' attention) "Here, I've got one for Mrs. Slocombe. Fancy them making one of those in my size!"
Distractor Factor: Mr. Humphries, all in leather. (GrrrRR!)
Last Bit: "And bully for you, Mr. Grace!"
Order in Credits: First
Scene in Credits: Playing with a kitten.
The Quote: "Look at that poor, handsome young assisstant. I bet he's fair worn out with getting up early and standing in the frozen snow. I bet he hasn't had a proper breakfast except for a cup of coffee in a miserable paper cup. We must all buy something from him so he can afford a proper lunch; then he'll have the strength to struggle home, fall exhausted into bed, and get up early in the morning and start the whole process over again!"
First Bit: "Oh, Mrs. Slocombe will come into her own, then, won't she? They like them big, in the East. Come to think of it, she's big in the south as well!" (in response to Miss Brahms's "Perhaps some Arab sheikh has bought us all?")
Outfit: Brown trousers, brown with lighter brown stripes jacket, brown socks, brown shoes, off-white shirt, brown-and-white-polka dot tie, off-white handkerchief.
Shows Compassion for Another Character: To Captain Peacock--
"All I can say is that if I've ever been rude to you in the past, Captain Peacock, I'm very sorry."
Is Rude to Another Character: To Mr. Grainger--
"Don't be late, Mr. Grainger. We wouldn't want a black mark on your first day as a junior."
"No wonder you've been a junior for so long."
To Mrs. Slocombe--
"Mrs. Slocombe's being hotly pursued, which hasn't happened for years..."
Distractor Factor: Mr. Humphries and the 'Wibbly-Wobblies' / Mr. Humphries and 'Funtime Freddie' (the boyfriend of the 'Playgirl Penny' doll).
Last Bit: "Oh, I wouldn't mind. Here, I haven't had a go on the racey cars yet!"
Order in Credits: Second
Scene in Credits: Playing with Spencer the Spider.
The Quote: "But little do they know that Spencer the Spider fancies Roger, and he has crept up behind him, and gobbled him up for lunch! ... But there is no need to worry, because Spencer the Spider doesn't really like the taste of Roger, so he spits him out."
First Bit: "You just seem to have caught me in the middle of nothing." (in response to Mr. Humphries's "Are you free, Mr. Lucas?") [This quote is the namesake of this very site!]
Outfit: Brown jacket, white handkerchief, red-dark red-orange-yellow-brown-striped tie, white shirt, brown trousers, brown belt, brown socks, brown shoes. When redecorating the room for the club--brown with white designs handkerchief (on head), red scarf, blue jean overalls, white sneakers, blue socks (no shirt...!).
Shows Compassion for Another Character: To Mr. Humphries--
Mr. Lucas catches him when he faints at the Flexi-Bra matching pants.
To the Ladies' and Gents' Departments--
He offers to decorate the club by himself (and it's not for the £300, really...)
To Mrs. Slocombe--
He tries to give Mrs. Slocombe a helping hand while she's on the ladder... before he gets slapped!
Is Rude to Another Character: To Mrs. Slocombe--
(Mrs. Slocombe talks about being in Derry and Tom's club) "Was that after it was bombed by the Zeppelins?"
(Mrs. Slocombe: "Where was I?") "At Derry and Tom's--in the club."
"Oh, good, I'll bring my Alsatian. He can play with Mrs. Slocombe's pussy."
"Judging from the size of her, she must have had a lot of aggravating remarks."
(Mrs. Slocombe wasn't wearing a woolen dressing gown but got a shock from her nylon carpet nevertheless) "I expect that gave the milkman a shock."
To Mr. Humphries--
(Mr. Humphries: "Well, I know lots of people in different walks of life.") "And I've seen some of their different walks."
(Captain Peacock: "I'll put down 'guests night query.'") "That should cover it."
To Captain Peacock--
"And was Captain Peacock worried? Not a bit of it. He was winning, 20-12, in Cairo."
(Captain Peacock: "I should say we are very grateful.") "Some of the words got stuck halfway."
To Miss Brahms--
(Miss Brahms: "Girls don't wear ties.") "You could have club drawers."
(Miss Brahms: "I didn't come down here just to give you a cheap thrill!") "Quite right, Miss Brahms. Do it again and I'll take the hat 'round."
(Turns on the forced ventilation to 'search' Miss Brahms for tape measure) "If she has got one, it's well-hidden."
To Mr. Tebbs--
(Mr. Tebbs: "You will be blackballed.") "Not that as well!"
"That was after of the finals of the Atmosphere Palais when he tossed her into the air and missed."
Distractor Factor: The woman with the Flexi-Bra and the man with the matching pants / Mr. Harman taking the plank balanced on his head in and out of the room.
Last Bit: "Get off, go on, get off! Get off, you--right, that's it!" (in response to Mrs. Slocombe's trying to put more wallpaper paste on him)
Order in Credits: Fourth
Scene in Credits: Licking some wallpaper paste off his finger and making a face that looks like, 'it's not half-bad!'.
The Quote: "This one is a Scotch swatch. This is top-quality worsted, we call this the top-notch swatch. In fact, we have a whole latch box of top-notch swatches."
First Bit: "What do you want these for?" (referring to the glasses Mr. Humphries is looking at)
Outfit: Brown jacket, white handkerchief, cream shirt, yellow and brown zigzag tie, brown pants, brown belt, brown shoes; for the wedding (originally): dark grey jacket, dark grey pants, dark grey vest, white shirt, white handkerchief, white carnation, light grey tie, light grey tophat, black socks, black shoes; for the wedding (as the 'besta mana'): black fez, white pants, white shirt, grey belt, brown and white Greek-style vest, white socks, brown shoes with brown pom-poms on the toes.
Shows Compassion for Another Character: To Mrs. Slocombe--
He looks like he's going to cry when he finds out she isn't getting married, blows his nose loudly, and says, "It'll finish her!"
Asks Miss Brahms, "How is she?"
It is Mr. Lucas who comes up with the idea of holding the 'wedding' in the store instead of in the church.
Is Rude to Another Character: To Mrs. Slocombe--
(Miss Brahms: "He got her with his bazooka.") "Well, she's a big enough target."
Distractor Factor: Mr. Humphries talking on the telephone, telling his mother why he'll be late / Mr. Tebbs as the Greek vicar (Archbishop Halitosis!) / Mr. Humphries as the Greek groom!!
Last Bit: "No, Lucopolis. We come from same-ee village."
Order in Credits: Third
Scene in Credits: Dancing the bridal dance, in full Greek regalia.
The Quote: "[Mr. Humphries is] standing in front of a mirror, trying to make himself look like a Greek husband. And let's face it, he's playing against type!"
