Chapter 11
Ever since Kerry had come home from Nick's crying hysterically four days ago, things had been very difficult for Haley. Kerry had become completely unapproachable, to the point Miah didn't even try to be near her. Haley had no idea what to do, how could she explain this to a four year old, especially when she didn't even really know what had happened. Nick had called a few times, sounding tired and sad, pleading with her to try to get Kerry to talk to him. She felt bad, telling him no each time, but what could she do? Kerry wouldn't even talk to her. She'd holed herself up in her room, calling in sick to work on the days she'd been scheduled, and didn't leave the room except while Miah and Haley were gone at school.
Haley let Kerry continue sulking or whatever it was she was doing for another two days, until she finally got to the point of not being able to take any more and confronted her on one of her midnight runs to the kitchen. "Kerry, what the hell is going on?" Haley asked, sit down across the table from her sister.
Kerry looked up from her bowl of Crispix and said, "He broke my heart, Hay."
Haley felt awful for Kerry- she looked terrible, probably not sleeping despite the fact she didn't do anything else, and that she'd dared to fall in love with someone only to have it come to this. "What happened, sissy?"
Kerry gave her a brief rundown of the day- him stopping in at the shop, then her going to his house, seeing him in just the basketball shorts, and laying on the bed with him, touching him. "I finally fall in love with someone, trust him enough to give him my heart, and this is what happens!" she cried. "I wanted him so badly... I'd never felt that before... I was trying to subtly tell him that, and what's he doing? Thinking of being with her!!" Kerry pushed the bowl of cereal away, crossed her arms on the table in front of her, lay her head down on them and sobbed.
Haley quickly walked around the table and put her arms around Kerry, hugging her tightly as she shook while she cried. "I'm sorry, Kerry, I'm really really sorry."
*******
Nick lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, tears sliding down over his cheeks, just like he'd done everynight since Kerry had left screaming. He felt so bad... they'd come so far. She loved him, she trusted him- both things he knew hadn't come easily- and he hurt her... badly.
He'd realized after she left, when he was replaying what little he'd actually noticed about the time she was there, that she had been being much more affectionate than usual. And he didn't even acknowledge it. He'd barely known what was happening, he had been so lost in his thoughts. He'd thought so many times of what it would be like to have Kerry touching him, her warm hands against his bare skin, those perfect lips of hers skimming across his chest. He'd come so close, and totally missed his chance, of his own stupidity.
"God dammit. She's still fucking things up and we're not even together anymore!" he yelled into the darkness of his room, that same image of his ex in the store flashing in his mind. He tossed and turned relestlessly, before finally clutching his pillow, desparately wishing he was holding Kerry in his arms, knowing that's where she should be, and finally fell into a fitful sleep.
When Nick woke the next morning he knew he couldn't let it go any longer. He hurt without her. That void he'd felt in his heart for so long, the one that had been mercifully filled and forgotten when he was with Kerry had returned, ripped open and aching with emptiness. He got up, determined he would have her love again, knowing he'd be forever miserable without it. He rushed around the house, thinking at warp speed, planning how to approach her, and how to apologize. When he was fairly satisfied with his ideas, he left headed to a place he'd been many time before, under much worse circumstances, though none as painful.
*******
Kerry sent Haley and Miah off to school, knowing she couldn't keep this up. She had to get back to her life. She couldn't mope forever over lost love and a severly broken heart, thought that's all she wanted to do. What she really wanted to do was grab Nick and shake him, tell him how much that he'd hurt her. She couldn't figure out how she felt- part of her never wanted to see him again, and the other part wanted to hold him, she missed him. Missed his smile, missed his laugh, his kisses, his arms around her, his voice whispering in her ear, and most of all him telling her he loved her. It pained her, but she doubted it- his love. How could he love her, if he still thought of the bitch that had hurt him?
She continued to think of it- her mind replaying the past few months, no doubt the best of her life- as she showered, then curled up on her usual spot on the couch, wishing she could just dissolve into it and disappear.
******
Nick stood over the jewerly counter, looking for something beautiful and sweet to show his sincere apology to Kerry. He couldn't help but think back to all the other times he'd been here, only feeling forced, and usually with his body throbbing, hurting from the latest punch or slap from his ex's violent hands. He wanted to do this for Kerry, though, just to show her he really loved her, and was so sorry for what he'd done. As he browsed, his eyes caught a necklace, a script "K" embedded with a small diamond. Perfect. He made his purchase and headed to Kerry's house, hoping she would at least give him a chance.
******
Kerry lay almost catatonic on the couch, lulled into a trance by the television's droning. In the back of her mind, she was still thinking, still hoping, and continually dismissing each thought. She yelped when the doorbell rang, startled at suddenly being pulled back into the real world. She shuffled over to the door, not bothering to look through the peephole, as she opened the door.
The sun assaulted her eyes- accustomed to the dimness of the house and she looked down to avoid the glare. Her gaze slowly moved back up the figure standing in front of her, inspecting everything, including the small gift bag he held. She could feel her heart beating faster, partially over the small rage still lurking inside her, and partly just from being near him again, knowing that he'd come to her- maybe to attempt to make things right. Her eyes met his, and she saw the sadness, the helpless, lost look in the deep blue eyes peering back at her.
"Kerry..." Nick choked on his whisper. He wanted to say a million things looking at her again, but he couldn't find the right words. He desparately wanted to hold her, take her in his arms and not let go. But he knew he couldn't. He'd caused this mess and it was him who would have to fix things.
Kerry stepped back out of his way to let him in the house. He mind was reeling, a million thoughts swirling through her head. She tried to ignore the chaos in her head, tried to calmly remind herself not to get swept up by his charm. If he was going to apologize it would have to be for real, not just slick words and no emotion. She turned on the lights, flipped the television off, and sat back on the couch, waiting for him to speak.
Nick sat on the opposite end of the couch, setting the bag between them, but closer to her as a peace offering. He watched as Kerry observed his actions, but made no move towards the gift. "I brought you something..." he said softly. He could feel tears threatening fall, but wanted to at least try to say what he was thinking before they did.
"I see that." she replied, her expressing unchanging, and still not reaching for the bag.
"I'm so sorry, Kerry..." was all he managed to say before the tears began trailing down his cheeks.
Kerry bit her lip as she watched him cry, feeling awful, but also thinking he deserved a little of that pain, he'd hurt her, too. But she loved him. And she couldn't things stay like this. She grabbed the bag, and set it on the floor at his feet, away from her and moved closer to him. She lid her hand under his chin and turned his face so he'd look at her. "Nick, you can't buy forgiveness, just like you can't buy love. You say, 'Kerry, I fucked up really bad and I'm sorry.' then I interrupt you, and say 'Nick, you really hurt me.' Then you jump back in and say, 'I'm really sorry, please forgive me.' I look at you for a second and say, 'I love you, so I will forgive you' and we move on. It doesn't change anything that happened, but knowing that you realize you hurt me and are honestly sorry for it makes it easier to deal with."
He closed his eyes for a moment, tears still falling. He gently took her hand from under his chin and held it. "Kerry, I am so sorry. I did fuck up and I know it. I love you, I miss you, and I... I need you. I know I hurt you, but I'm asking you to forgive me, and let me have another chance."
Kerry squeezed his hand, then brushed her fingertips lightly across his cheeks, drying his eyes. He did love her. He wouldn't have come back, wouldn't have cried if he didn't. "I love you, too. And I do forgive you... that just.. hurt... alot... I just wanted to be there with you, and you were thinking of being with her..." Kerry's voice faded with each word she said, the feelings she'd had when she left his house coming back to her.
Nick carefully wrapped his arms around her, drawing her close to him. "I'm sorry, Kerry. I really am. I've thought so much since then- about you, about her- how bad she was, and how good you are. I just want to love you, Kerry- and have you love me back."
"I do love you.. that's why that hurt so much. I wanted you thinking of me... what I was doing... not whatever she'd done..."
"I think about you all the time, dream about you... and I knew what you were doing... and I didn't appreciate it like I should have. I'm sorry for that, too. I'm really sorry about the whole thing. I want to make it up to you. That's why I got you this..." Nick said, reaching for the bag again.
Kerry put her hand out to stop him. "I don't want it Nick."
"What am I supposed to do then? She.. always required gifts... expensive ones... for apologies... for everything, even just to say "I love you" which, I never did.. I didn't love her... I love you though, Kerry, and I want to make you happy... show you I care..."
"Nick, I'm not her. I don't work like her. You wanna know how to show me you care? Grab one of my tulips out of my mom's garden on the way in the house and hand it to me with a smile and a kiss. Write a poem for me. Sing to me. Tell me a secret that no one else knows. Play with Miah. That's how you show me you love me. Doesn't cost a thing, and is worth more to me than anything in this world."
Nick smiled at her. "Like the little things, huh? I can do that."
"Well, I guess I'll have to give you another change to find out then, won't I?" Kerry asked quietly. She almost felt like she was giving in too easily, but she couldn't not. She loved him, and wanted to be with him. And she honestly believed he was sorry.
"Please? I promise, you're my girl... the only one I want." he leaned over to kiss her gently on the cheek.
Kerry nodded. "I love you."
Nick hugged her tightly. "I love you, too. You want to go to the beach tonight? Take a walk, talk some?"
"Yeah, that'd be nice. I need to get out of the house."
"Come over about seven?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'll be there."
Nick reached for the bag at his feet and stood up. "I'd still like you to have this."
Kerry shook her head. "Save it for Christmas or something."
"Okay, okay. I'll see you tonight." he said. 'And I'm going to be on my best behavior ever.' he thought. He smiled as he left, already feeling like his heart was healing... this was going to work. He could show her how much he loved her... in the ways she wanted him to.
Kerry watched him leave, already looking forward to the night ahead with him. He may have hurt her, but she loved him and felt he was worth it, no relationship was without it's flaws.
*******
Haley drove home with Miah after school, almost dreading being at home with Kerry again. She felt so bad for her sister, and it bothered her that she couldn't do anything to make it better.
She was pleasantly surprised to walk into the house and find the lights on, and music playing. "Kerry??"
Kerry come running down the steps, looking more alive than she had in days. She scooped Miah up and hugged her tightly. "I love you babygirl."
Miah looked confused, but returned her mother's hug and told her she loved her too.
"Go change clothes and we'll go play outside, okay?" Kerry said setting Miah down.
Miah smiled and took off to her bedroom, leaving Kerry and a puzzled Haley in the kitchen.
"Do I even wanna know what happened?" Haley asked, reaching in the refridgerator for a soda.
Kerry hopped up on the counter by her sister. "He came by today and apologized. Actually, he cried and apologized..."
"He cried??" Haley asked incredulously. "I didn't think guys knew how to do that."
"Well apparently he does. And I love him- I couldn't say 'no'... I didn't want to. I'm going over to his place tonight, that cool?"
"Hell yeah. Get your ass outta this house woman. Go be happy and in love somewhere else cause you're making me sick!" Haley teased, much relieved that all was well again.