"Dreaming comes so easily, 'Cause it's all that I've known. True love is a fairy tale, I'm damaged, so how would I know? I'm scared and I'm alone, I'm ashamed and I need for you to know, I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say... I feel you near me. Healing comes so painfully, and it chills to the bone, Will anyone get close to me? I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know." ("Damaged", Plumb)
Chapter Eighteen
Nick sat on the opposite end of the couch from Kerry, staring blankly at the television. He didn't know what was on, and he didn't care. In the two weeks that had passed since the rape, he was sure he hadn't slept more than maybe two hours a night. He had to be careful not to unintentionally touch her somehow while he was sleeping, and worrying about that kept him half-awake all the time. The first night when she came home, she'd wanted to sleep with him- she'd been like his shadow since they left the hospital- but when he'd accidently nudged her while rolling over she'd jumped out of bed, shrieking. When he did actually fall asleep, it was usually only to be awakened to the sound of Kerry crying, or tossing in her sleep, having another nightmare. He'd lay there watching her sleep, lying on her back, hands at her side, about to fall off the edge of the bed, just to keep a safe distance from him. She didn't want to be away from him, she had to be in the same room with him, but wouldn't let him touch her for any reason and it was killing him. He wanted to hold her, try to calm her fears, or whatever it was she was feeling, but he didn't know- she wouldn't talk to him about anything, no matter what he tried, even the most superficial of subjects.
Every day had been spent in near silence, her sitting curled up in a chair hugging her knees to her chest, and him watching from a few feet away, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to live like this. Kerry didn't speak to him besides when she asked him to be in the bathroom while she showered. The first thing she'd done when she'd come from the hospital had been to spend almost two hours in the shower crying and using an entire bottle of showergel. Nick had stood leaning against the shower stall, crying softly, wishing he knew what to do to take the pain away.
As much as he hated to admit it, he understood what Marcie had been talking about- the strain being too much. But he felt that being with her was worth whatever they were going to have to get through, and he'd wait forever for her if he had to. He wondered how long he could keep this up, what Miah was thinking of all this. She'd been staying with Haley and Kerry's parents, but Nick called her everyday to tell her he loved her and he missed her, and so did her mom, even though Kerry would never get on the phone.
When a commercial came on that loud enough to shake him from his thoughts, Nick got up and turned off the tv and went to sit on the couch facing Kerry. "K... can we please talk?"
Kerry didn't turn her gaze away from the black screen as she said, "Do you really have anything to say?"
Nick tried to stay calm, "Kerry, I've been trying to talk to you for days!"
"What have you tried to say? 'Wow, nice day outside' or 'What do you want on your pizza?' Apparently you don't have much to talk about. You realize you haven't told me you loved me in two weeks??" Kerry said, finally turning to look at him, tears sliding down her cheeks.
"You haven't told me either! You won't even try to say anything to me, period! How do you think I feel??" He said, but at the same time, was thinking she was right. He'd hadn't told her he loved her, hadn't said anything important, but he didn't know if he could, whether she'd listen to him or not.
"How the fuck am I supposed to know what you feel?? You won't tell me! What do you want to talk about, Nick? What do you want me to say??" Kerry cried, beginning to sob.
"Tell me what you're thinking, whatever's going through your mind! Just say something!" Nick snapped.
"You promised you wouldn't let him hurt me!" Kerry wailed, covering her face with her hands.
Nothing she could have said or done would have hurt him more than that one sentence. She was right, again. He had promised, several times- in the mall, their first night together at home, lying in bed he'd promised she'd be safe with him- and he'd let her down. He'd wanted to talk, but there was no way he could respond to that. His heart had shattered when she'd reminded him, and he couldn't face her right now, realizing he'd broken that promise. "I'll be back later." he said quickly, and grabbed the keys, heading out the door.
Kerry ran to the window, watching him drive off down the street. She fell back onto the couch crying, clutching a pillow to her chest. She knew it wasn't his fault, but she'd still thought that, had wanted to be able to count on him to protect her. She'd hated the way things had been for the past few weeks, she'd wanted to talk to him so many times, to tell him she was scared, that she was sorry for freaking out, that she still loved him very much and needed him, but she'd been afraid to, he didn't seem to want to talk about it, and she wasn't going to force him to. She was scared now, too, she'd never been in the house alone- at least Miah had always been with her when Nick wasn't. When Nick still hadn't returned after a few hours, Kerry called Brian on the off-chance he may have ventured out there.
Brian said he hadn't seen or heard from Nick in days and had been wondering how they were doing. When Kerry told him what had happened, that they'd had an argument and how Nick had just left, Brian couldn't believe his best friend's insensitivity. He assured her that if he heard anything from him, he'd call her, and told her to call him if she needed anything, even just to have some company, he'd come right away. Kerry thanked him, and said she was fine, and that she'd call if she needed something. All she wanted was for Nick to be near her, and to try talking to him about.
Nick had no idea where he was driving, he was semi-shocked he was even managing to stay on the road through the blurriness of his tears. He had no idea how long he'd been gone, and didn't really know where he was either. Despite all the thinking he'd been doing- nothing made sense to him. How could he expect to help Kerry if she obviously felt that she couldn't trust him to keep his word. He knew he should get back to her, he felt bad for leaving her and knew she was probably pissed. But it hurt him to think about going back, and looking at her- even though the bruises had faded and there wasn't really any physicial evidence of the attack left, besides the still-healing cut abover her eye, he couldn't see her and not remember how she'd looked when he'd found her. Thinking about seeing her like that again, upset him more and pulled over at a gas station to get something to drink, try to calm himself down and find out just where the hell he was.
He walked inside, hurrying to bathroom to splash some water on his face, and cringed when he saw his reflection in the mirror- eyes puffy from crying, dark circles from lack of sleep. He tried to remember why it was he'd thought he was strong enough for this. He ventured back out into the store area and grabbed at Mountain Dew, and while paying for it overheard a lady asking the clerk how much further it was to Cape Canaveral. The clerk replied only about 20 miles, then follow the signs to the launch pad. 'Oh fuck', Nick knew he hadn't been paying attention to anything, but he thought he would have at least realized he'd made it to the other side of the state. He left quickly, hoping he could figure out the way he'd gotten there, in order to get back home.
As he passed a road sign saying "Orlando: 9 miles", he knew he needed to make a stop before he got back, he had to try to help himself before he could help Kerry.
Brian was pacing around the kitchen, cursing at Tyke for nipping at his heels and wanting to strangle Nick next time he saw him when the doorbell rang. He went to get the door and tried to keep his temper in check, somewhat unsuccessfully, when he saw Nick standing there. "FRACK! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!? Kerry's scared to death, I've been worried..." he abruptly stopped his rant as he watched Nick come into the house, crash onto the couch and fall apart in front of his eyes. "Oh god..." Brian went to the couch, and caught Nick up in a crushing hug. "It's alright, bro, just let it out..."
Nick shook and wept in Brian's embrace for a long time before finally managing to say between shudders and gasps for breath, "I could have stopped it.. it was my fault..."
Brian looked into Nick's teary eyes, "This was in no way your fault. Don't even think that."
"If I would have gone with her... just gotten her to wait 'til I was off the phone... or checked on her sooner... something..." he whispered hoarsely. He began to cry again, "I promised... and I let her down..."
Brian had no idea what to do, he knew Nick had to get this out, but didn't know what to tell him to make things seem any better. "Have you and Kerry talked about this at all?"
"No, we haven't talked about anything, at all, since it happened. I don't know what to do or say... I just want to make things better for her, be able to make her stop hurting and I don't know how... I want to think she needs me, I guess I know she does... but I don't know what for..." Nick said, his voice fading in and out.
"Man, she does need you. She needs you to talk to her, cry with her, let her know that you are there for her, you still love her and want to help her get through this. Tell her what you feel, that you're scared, too... she'll appreciate your honesty, and she'll feel like she can tell you what's going on with her, and you're going get through this together." Brian said, glad to have an answer for him, on at least one thing.
Nick nodded, still sniffling, he knew Brian was right. "I need to get back home... I gotta talk to her..."
"Yeah, you do. If you want things to work with her... and I think you do.. you need to talk to her... about everything."
Nick gave Brian a hug, "You know I do... I think she's the... actually, I'm pretty sure I know, she is... " he caught himself before finishing his thought, and said, "Thanks man. I love you. I gotta get home. And don't call her, please. I know you probably said you would, but just.. don't.. okay?"
Brian hugged Nick again and shrugged, "Sure, man. I love you, too. You just better get home soon- if she calls again and asks, I'm not lyin'!"
"I'm going!" Nick jumped in the Durango, hurrying to get home, and knowing he was most likely in for a very long night, but one that would be well worth it if it would get him and Kerry talking again.
Kerry was sitting in their bedroom, looking out over the Bay after watching the sunset a little while ago, grasping the phone in her hand. She'd hoped it would ring- that it would be him, be Brian, Haley, anyone. She jumped a little when she heard a noise downstairs, thinking it was the door slamming. She heard footsteps trudging down the hall and recognized them as Nick's. She was glad he'd come back, but upset that he'd left her in the first place.
Nick stuck his head in the bedroom door, and saw her, staring out the window. "Kerry, can I come in?"
"Your house, too, isn't it?" she said, still looking out the window.
Nick came in the room and sat on the edge of the bed. "Kerry, I want to talk to you..."
Kerry interrupted him, "Do I need take your keys this time?"
"I'm sorry that I left.. I just couldn't handle that.. knowing that I let you down like that.. I'm sorry for leaving.. for not keeping my word.. for not being more helpful to you... for not telling you what you need to hear... I love you so much, Kerry, and I'm sorry." he said, wishing she'd just turn around and look at him.
Just when she thought she had no tears left, more always came. Kerry turned around and walked over to the bed, perching herself on the pillows, leaning against the headboard, "I love you, too." she whispered. "What do you want to talk about?"
"Everything. You. Me. Us. How we feel. What we need." he replied softly. He pointed to the space next to her on the pillows, "It alright if I sit there?"
Kerry nodded and wiped her eyes. As Nick settled beside her, still keeping a little space, she said, "I'm sorry about what I said earlier... that wasn't right of me... you had nothing to do with this... it still could have happened if you were there...and we don't need to be thinking about what we could have done to change things..it already happened and now we gotta deal with it."
"Don't apologize... I asked you to say what was on your mind, and you did. I mean, yeah, it hurt, it was the truth.. I did say that. And I want to tell you that I swear no one will ever hurt you again, but I don't feel like I can... since you have no reason to believe me..." he said quietly, wanting to hold her as he spoke to her.
"I believe that you want to try to keep me from being hurt, but I know that you can't always be there... even though I want you to be. I know it's probably driving you crazy, having me follow you around like a lost puppy, I'm just scared to be alone." Her hand crept over the pillows to touch his, wanting to touch him, reassure herself.
He let her hand covers his before he lightly locked his fingers with hers. "Kerry, I don't mind. I don't want to take my eyes off of you, let you out of my sight for a second, even though I know there's nothing to worry about here at home... I'm scared, too..." It felt strange to him to admit that he was frightened, he hadn't even wanted to admit to himself that he was.
She turned to look at him, "What are you afraid of?"
"Saying or doing the wrong thing, not knowing what to do to help you, not being able to be strong enough for you... losing you..." As soon as the last words had been said, he began to cry again. Even though he hadn't wanted to, he'd thought about what the counselor had said- maybe they wouldn't last, maybe he'd lose her.
Seeing him cry, and hearing his fears, brought Kerry to tears again. "What I need...to help me, is you.. this... just be honest with me, and tell me what's going on with you... you've done what you can by just letting me cry... you don't have to be strong for me.. I need you and your feelings... not some.. emotionless robot," she paused to squeeze his hand a little, "And you're not going to lose me... I'm yours for as long as you want me... you just may have to wait a little bit to have the real me back..."
He wanted to grab her and hold her in his arms so bad it hurt. "I'll wait forever, Kerry...that's how long I want you for..." He couldn't get anymore words out just then, and just looked at her, watched her cry through his own tear-filled eyes.
Kerry tightened her grip on his hand. It may take a while, but they were going to be alright... she could see it in his eyes, hear it his voice, his words.. he wanted forever, just like she did. But before they could get to that, they had to get through this.
"What is it... that you've been thinking about all the time?" Nick finally asked a long while of looking, each allowing the other to read what they could in their eyes.
Kerry shifted her gaze to the ceiling, "That I'd be alright... or at least closer to alright... if I could just forget... what he said... and " her voice dropped and she closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears and stifle a wail. Her attempt was unsuccessful, she sobbed, "I can still feel him!"
Nick wished he could somehow take those memories from her. It had been hard enough for him to hear what he'd said to her, he couldn't imagine what it must have been like to hear them being said, and know the person meant every word. He knew there was nothing he could do to let her 'un-hear' the things Josh had said, but he could try to remind her they weren't true, and maybe... find a way to help her forget what he felt like. "Kerry, I'm going to ask you to trust me. Will you let me do something?"
Kerry wanted to say 'yes', but not knowing what he had in mind made her a little nervous. She knew he wouldn't hurt her. And she knew had to trust him for that reason."Yes." She wiped her eyes, and looked at him, waiting.
"Lay down, get comfortable." He hoped this wasn't going to freak her out.
Kerry slowly slid down, off the pillows, onto the bed, watching him, trying to figure out what he was going to do.
He moved down to kneel beside her and looked directly in her eyes. He spoke softly, his tone gentle, "I love you. I would never hurt you. I'm going to touch you, okay? But I want you to look at me, know it's me, and that I love you. I'll stop if you want me to, but I want you to remember how I feel, alright?"
Kerry nodded. She hated the idea of having someone's hands on her, but she didn't want to avoid him, or his touch forever. She looked back at him, first watching his hands as he reached for her, and then at his eyes- the warmth, the depth of the emotion, the way she could practically peer into his soul, the love, and the blue... exactly the opposite of all the hatred, the emptiness of Josh's angry green eyes.
Nick started at Kerry's hands, his eyes not leaving hers, and then slowly moved up her arms, not light enough to tickle, and not hard enough to be forceful feeling. He could feel her trembling, and it bothered him, but at the same time, he was glad she trusted him enough to let him continue. He reached her shoulders, and stopped moving, but kept his hands on her. "Are you alright?"
She kept eye contact with him and nodded.
"Do you want me to keep going?" he asked quietly.
"Yes. Please." she whispered. The gentleness of his touch was soothing to her. His hands seemed to be erasing the invisible prints Josh had left on her body, replacing them with his own, the ones she wanted.
"Where?" He didn't want to go anywhere she wasn't ready for.
"Everywhere." She reached for him, to caress his cheek. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Kerry. You're my angel." He smiled as he carefully drew his hands down her sides, across her stomach. That's what he'd call her. His angel. He continued trailing down her body over her hips, down her legs. He'd started to repeat his actions, when Kerry asked him to stop. "What is it?"
"Will you kiss me?" she asked, looking almost afraid he'd say 'no'.
"I'll do anything you want me to." He leaned over to kiss her tenderly, brushing his lips against hers. He was surprised when she rolled onto her side, to slip her arm around him and timidly hugged him. He lay down next to her, facing her. "I mean that Kerry, I'll do anything for you."
"Then please lay on your back." she said.
Nick immediately shifted his position.
Kerry cautiously scooted over to him, and lay her head on his shoulder, reminding herself she was safe in his arms. She reached to pull his arm lightly around her. "Can we talk some more?"
Nick felt so relieved, they really were going get through this, and possibly come out of it relatively unscathed and most likely closer than they had been before. "About anything, angel."
They were still talking the next morning as the sun began streaming through the windows.
"Can we go outside? It's been too long since I left the house." Kerry said.
"Of course." Nick stretched, he hadn't moved in hours, he was so glad to be able to hold Kerry again he hadn't wanted to.
"Hold my hand?" she asked, getting out off the bed and walking to the door.
"Always." Nick smiled, and interlaced his fingers with hers, leading her out into the sunshine.