My Story
A Personal
Tale of Domestic Abuse
My
Reasons
This is something I have found very hard to put
into words but put it into words I shall do somehow as I have
never been confident in expressing my personal feelings, but I
felt I needed to do this in order to help myself come to terms
with it, as I healed from years of feeling that everything that I
experienced and all that was wrong in my marriage was somehow my
fault. To some extent it was - I allowed the abuse to happen,
albeit unknowingly, and marriage breakdown is not always just one
partners's fault... I accept that I played a part in its
breakdown.
This took me a long time to write and over time
I have rewritten it a couple of times. I had to search into
myself to find the truth, to separate fact from fiction - to
separate the everyday marital squabbles which all married couples
experience, from the abuse. With the help of doctors,
counsellors, friends and a lot of soul-searching, I gained and am
still gaining that insight into myself and how and why I reacted
the way I did. It has been a painful experience.
My aim in putting all this into writing and
publishing it on my site, was foremostly to help me in my
healing, and maybe in the process I can help someone else
understand a little about Emotional and Mental Abuse and the
effect it has on its victims. I do not look for sympathy from
anyone - just an unbiased listening ear.
I have left out describing in detail if at all,
most of the types of weird behaviour/mind games my husband played
on me (and the kids) - I couldn't believe anyone could be so
emotionally/mentally cruel but then again, I found it hard to
believe also that he probably actually committed the abuse
knowingly.
Overview
Society for the most part tends to believe that if there is
no actual physical violence nor public verbal abuse (evidence),
then there is no abuse. Emotional/Mental abuse is more common
than perhaps most people realise.
I never realised throughout my marriage that what I was
experiencing in my married life was actually Domestic Abuse -
there was no physical violence (thankfully), no verbal abuse in
public outside of the "friendly" jibes every now and
again that people dismiss as "a bit of fun" (now those
used to annoy me), nothing to really suggest to me it was
actually abuse.
However, all was not Bliss and Happiness in our relationship
- my marriage was a lot of things but Bliss and Happiness it was
not. It was not until many, many years down the track when my
physical health had taken a dramatic decline (I lost 2-1/2 stone
in around 6 months, something I didn't need to lose), my mental
health was suffering and I needed to seek
"help" from Counsellors and Doctors for Depression and
extreme Fear (yes Fear) that this abuse realisation came to the
fore. I always thought that it was just ME!! There had to be
something wrong with ME!! I was so depressed near the end of my
marriage and for some time after, that many times I contemplated
suicide as a way out. My NOW dear boyfriend helped me through
those dark periods. The anti-depressants I was on for a while and
the counselling I received also helped me to find my feet again
in the big wide world.
Confidence
Confidence. What is confidence? I would have to
describe myself as basically a shy, reserved type of person who
tends to take everything to heart and feels a need to "please".
I guess I would also have to say I am pretty self-conscious with
a low self-esteem - I know that this has left me wide open to
manipulation by others a lot. For the most part I was actually
confident in my ability to perform the work-related tasks
required of me, however my confidence on a personal level was
less than perfect. I never really could unconditionally accept
myself for Myself.
I was terribly "shy" throughout my
growing years - I would blush crimson if a guy looked interested
in me. Thankfully I overcame that debilitating shyness as I grew
older but I still am a shy person. My low self-confidence and
shyness I believe enabled my husband to manipulate and control me
in ever so subtle ways. Note: I said "subtle ways". He
never aggressively attacked my self esteem (which would
have been obvious) and he never hit me. This is what made it so
hard for me initially to believe it to be abuse and not all my
fault and for others to understand why I eventually had to leave
him. I realise that if I hadn't left when I did (my self-confidence
and self-esteem practically non-existant by then) that my health
would have deteriorated even further, and my children would have
suffered more than they did.
Before
Marriage
On looking back, I guess I would have to say
that the abuse began shortly before we were married. I guess he
loved me, however things didn't seem "right". Slightly,
ever so slightly, things seemed to be changing. I could not put
my finger on it and believed my uneasiness was just me reading
something into it that wasn't there and the pre-wedding jitters.
I had given up my job (to get married) as we were going to be
living on a farm too far from my work to commute profitably
everyday, my furniture was dispatched to his place in the
country, my vehicle had been "taken over" by him when
he insisted in paying out the loan and and he was already
deciding when and where we would go, what we would do and who we
would go with. Already he had begun to take control of my life
and me and I felt helpless to do anything. I suffered a minor
depression at this time. I told him it was because of an earlier
incident in my life that I was still finding hard to deal with,
but it was him and my niggling apprehension, and the fact that I
didn't know how to deal with it that caused it.
I remember on my wedding day almost buckling at
the knees, feeling ill, very shaky and very uneasy and saying to
my father through my panic that I didn't want to go through with
it as we walked toward the church. He assured me it was only
"Wedding Day Nerves" and I thought, maybe he's right -
I was taking a very big step and it was scary. I feel however
that maybe my conscience or something was trying to tell me to
run and in hindsight I know now I should have called a halt then
and there for everyone's sake but my husband-to-be had already
begun to exert his control over me, whether intentionally or not.
The
Years before my Mother's Death
What can I say here? We sure didn't have the
blissful honeymoon I anticipated all new happily married couples
had. I know, we quite often expect more of this time than in
reality happens. I always felt though that he was in a hurry to
get the honeymoon all over and done with so he could get home
back to his farm to start the seeding as soon as it rained and
catch up with all the gossip from family and friends. One of many
times I have felt the farm, his family and friends meant more to
him than I.
We returned from our honeymoon and I was
promptly "planted" out on the farm while he took off
each day till all hours either working around the paddocks,
visiting his large family for one reason or another, or "bending
elbow" with the locals and friends at the local watering
hole. He was always anywhere else but home with me. In essense he
continued to live the life of a bachelor. Here I was alone on the
farm, a stranger to farm life with none of my family or friends
nearby, and I was just left to work it all out for myself and
still be the loving, caring, dutiful wife for him to come home to
when he chose to. Granted, I had my car to get away from the
place in but I was limited in where I could go without being
given the third degree - visit one of his family, his friends and
their families, go shopping locally, and later with protest -
some voluntary work to do with the kids' hobbies/interests.
Where-ever I went though I was always questioned
about it when I got home (not the casual conversational type but
the third degree), or accused because I said nothing about going
before I went. If I asked if we could visit my friends or family
the usual comments were: too busy; too far; why?; another time;
what is wrong with my friends - my friends are your friends; etc
etc. ( I only ever saw my parents with any regularity, and only
then because they visited US on a regular basis). I just gave up
after a while asking and just went and visited my friends and
rellies when I could or went window shopping down Elizabeth or
something by myself during daytime hours, always making sure I
was back in time for the kids' school bus and before he came home.
However he always seemed to know when I did this and would "question"
me when he got home. (I have since found out that he did a lot of
spying and checking up on me throughout our marriage). I have
also found out that if any outside aquaintances (particularly but
not limited to male) looked like developing into friendships
those "acquaintances" were very quickly warned off with
threats and/or even lies about me. Even one of his own BIL's was
victim to his threats! Some of the more tame lies about me were -
I was ill (unstable); I considered myself too good for everyone (aloof);
I was a real bitch (Shrew); that sort of thing. How do I know
this - Mark (not his real name) for one told me that this was how
I was painted to him - a real Shrew!! He was actually afraid of
me to a certain extent from what he had been told and we didn't
even know each other at that point. It wasn't until he got to
know me after my mother died and I needed a shoulder to cry on
and someone to just listen while I grieved that he realised what
was actually going on - before I did.
Needless to say, I felt that my unhappiness was
largely my fault, I should be happy with what I had, a
comfortable home, lovely kids, a husband who was concerned what I
did with my time (little knowing it was not concern for my
happiness - more like jealousy and possessiveness), I had friends
(his). I felt I was letting my kids down somehow by not being
happy with my life. I did believe however that for all my
unhappiness, that it was a bed I had made so I had to lay in it.
Marriage was a commitment you made for life. The kids stability
relied on their being brought up by two loving parents within
marriage (huh). Many times I had thoughts of getting out but felt
guilty about those thoughts - after all, marriage was for keeps,
it was mainly my fault this wasn't working, it wouldn't be fair
on the kids, other's would see it as my fault, etc etc. He also
had me believing and fearing that I would lose the kids if I
walked out. So, I just kept on in my marriage, feeling unhappy
and not really knowing why, feeling uneasy yet not really knowing
why, feeling a sense of fear yet not really knowing why. Things
gradually deteriorated over time to a point where something was
going to happen eventually.
After
my Mother's Death
What can I say! My life
really took a turn for the worst after my mother's untimely death
at age 58 from what has been described as "secondary breast
cancer". Read the full story here: My Mother
about her illness, death and how it affected me, my marriage and
my ex's behaviour and my response. It was after my mother's death
when things went from bad to worse that I was formally introduced
to (by my husband no less) Mark who became over time a close
friend and confidante. I didn't question my husband's motives for
sending Mark into my life at the time but I later found out to my
detriment and disgust. Mark was a godsend - I needed support and
a shoulder to cry on and he was compassionate enough to lend me
his shoulder and his ear. I poured my heart out about my mother
to him and how hard I was finding it to come to terms with it but
when my husband's jealous/irrational behaviour etc got worse, my
marriage also became a topic I needed a shoulder to cry on about.
When I refused to stop seeing Mark as I didn't see any reason to
for we weren't doing anything wrong and I was so tired of him
always sending my friends packing, my husband stepped up his
campaign of intimidation/lies - not only of me but Mark too. The
poor guy was asked by my husband to befriend me and then told to
"unbefriend me" or face the consequences. He chose the
consequences as by now I was a real mess and he feared I might
try something silly. Believe me - that option looked really good
to me at the time.
I
Walked Out!
Well, I finally did it - I finally had to leave
my marriage on 26th May 1997 due to extreme fear and failing
health. The accusations, lies and strange behaviour were becoming
more wild and frequent and I was close to a total breakdown. His
family and friends were all either very accusing or patronising
of my supposed "illness" and couldn't or wouldn't even
consider listening to my side. I left with 2 of my 4 children.
The 2 eldest elected to stay with their father, not quite sure
who to believe as their father had been telling them I was
involved with Mark as more than just a friend and goodness knows
what other lies. I felt helpless. The 2 youngest I took with me
regardless as they were only just 11 at the time. The fact that
they all tended to believe him broke my heart along with having
to leave the eldest two behind. I tried to let them know the
truth about my friendship with Mark without putting their father
down to them. This was very hard to do without malice as I felt
like "lashing out" at him in whatever way possible for
doing this to the kids and me instead of his acknowledging and
accepting that the problem was not my friendship with Mark but
one of many long years standing before Mark was even on the scene.
He was using the kids in his quest against me and it was damaging
their self esteem/confidence and mental well being but what more
could I expect, he didn't care for my
self esteem, confidence or mental health either. I tried and
tried to keep them from being used in this way but it seemed the
more I tried, the more he used them. He cannot or will not accept
any responsibility for the marriage breakdown.
The
Early Times After Leaving
Whilst I struggle to come to terms with all that
is happening, I fear also for the kids' mental wellbeing. I know
the 2 youngest are having difficult times adjusting to everything
that is going on in their young lives (not just this). I see the
signs of Depression in my daughter and I sought Counselling for
her too (after finally managing to convince her it may help her)
with my Counsellor who is trained in counselling children. She
needs to be able to express her feelings in an open and safe
environment, to unburden her young heart. I would like to get my
youngest son some too but I cannot force him and he seems to be
coping much better than his sister but I will keep an eye on him.
I would like to suggest Counselling to the older 2 on a regular
basis for a while also but I doubt they will take it up or more
than likely, their father will squash that idea.
I have good times and I have bad times. I'm
hoping the good times will become more regular and the bad will
fade into the background in time. My husband has not been making
it easy for me - continual lying to the kids, threatening to get
the youngest two away from me by declaring me an unfit mother,
making it hard to get settlement etc etc. There have been days
when it has all been too much and I've had thoughts of ending it
all. It's at those times that Mark's friendship has been
outstanding in helping me through and reminding me that my kids
really DO love me and would miss me etc - mind you, I haven't
made it easy for him in the slightest and I wouldn't blame him
for taking off. He's having his own problems dealing with it all
but he's sticking with me come hell or high water and making sure
I get through all this in one piece.
Where
Things are at Now
I am slowly putting my life back together.
Mark and I have now progressed past the
friendship stage and into a caring, loving relationship born out
my ex husband's "mind games" and "intimidation".
We aren't living together as yet, I guess we will probably wait
until the kids are all living their own lives independent of me.
I still have a way to go in gaining my self esteem and building
my confidence in myself but I am much better than I was. I am
planning on going back to TAFE in 2002 (after having abandoned it
due to ill health) and doing a certificate course in Women's
Education. The course should boost my confidence along with my
skills for finding a job again. I really need to find a job again
soon after not having worked in paid employment regularly since
1980. I am more assertive now than I have been in expressing my
feelings most of the time which is a
forward step. I find it hard to accept "unconditional love"
like what I have now with Mark but I am getting better and he has
been so patient with me. I find it hard to believe too that I
have found a love such as this, (someone who I now believe is my
Soul Mate). We have our fights occasionally like other couples
but we can calmly resolve them away from earshot of the kids and
we always make-up and neither one of us puts down the other.
My EX now has a new partner - I suspect she may
be living with him but couldn't care one way or the other so have
not bothered to even ask the kids. I only hope she is a stronger
person than I was, but who knows - the B......... has probably
turned over a new leaf or maybe he's being extra cautious this
time round. Maybe now my EX will concentrate on her and leave me
and the kids to live our lives - though if looks could kill, I
would still be dead every time I cross his path somewhere.
Since my eldest son now has his driver's
licence, his own vehicle and a job I see more of him than I did
when I had to rely on the EX to bring them over. My second son
also now has his licence and his own car but I still don't see a
great deal of him (he is and always has been his "father's
son") but there are the odd cracks showing. I worry about
him though, as he is showing signs of depression and he has never
been one to let me get close to him at any time. I'm hoping that
I can get through to him.
As of Christmas 2001, things are looking
brighter - the kids actually gave myself and my partner a
Christmas card with some money and a note saying to use it for a
meal and drinks at our favourite restaurant. To my partner and
myself it is a miracle and a big break through but we are being
cautious too. We are hopeful that this may be a "sign"
of more tolerable times ahead. I say tolerable 'cause I don't
expect them to change dramatically but it sure is nice to have
them acknowledge him now.
To top all of this off I would love for the
truth to reveal itself but realisticly I doubt that will ever
happen.
Back to What is Domestic Abuse
Back to Abuse Index
My Little Home on the Web
My Page about my Family and
Hobbies etc!
My Australia Pages
My Page about (you guessed it) Australia
Thank You Paige
Click image to visit Paige
or if above guest-book will not
work please try this one!
Get your own free homepage at Geocities Australia
