OK, before we start today, I think I owe you all a big fat apology. Those that started reading Cataract Resin at the beginning were treated to 3 columns before I went missing. The reasons for doing this were my own

and I will keep them to myself, but you should all know that I'm sorry for deserting you and leaving you columnless. So without further ado, on with the column. [also, Karl said he appreciates those who wrote the column in his absence, but can’t anyone write about something other than comics?]

It's a phrase I hear from many, many people, about many, many things. However, the most frequent reason for people saying "What a fucking rip-off" is a British-based but worldwide miniature wargames company called Games Workshop.

Games Workshop started from very humble beginnings, selling rulebooks and miniatures for Dungeons & Dragons and other role play games. One day, the high-ups at Games Workshop thought it would be good to have a go at creating their own game, and Warhammer was born. Warhammer was a game

played across a tabletop with two armies of miniatures - little models of elves, goblins and such like. The game they created was quite good, and did reasonably well. Over the years, the rules for Warhammer were

modified to make the game play better, yet the flexibility of the system was maintained. Then in 1988 or thereabouts, Games Workshop modified the Warhammer rules to create a completely new game, Warhammer 40,000.

Warhammer 40,000 was a battle game pitched between to sci-fi based armies - Space Marines would attack alien races and so forth, with a variety of futuristic weaponry. Following on from the buzz of Sci-Fi films like 'Aliens', Warhammer 40K was a fantastic success. In the massive book there was a lengthy history of the far future, details on alien races, weapons etc. and rules for incorporating these into the game, making it very realistic - but very complicated. Some people loved this complexity, but it did mean games would go on for weeks at a time.

And so, the rules were rewritten. This pissed a great many people off, because they had to go out and but the new rules, but they couldn't just buy the rulebook - they needed to buy the boxed game. This wasn't so bad, because it meant they'd get a load of free troop models. Of course, they might not have wanted them . . .

This rewriting of the rules is something Games Workshop do from time to time, in order to rake in more cash. Because if people want to play in tournaments, or if they want to play at the Games Workshop store, they have to use the most recent rules. And, to top that, if they want to play at the Games Workshop store, they must also OWN the new rules as well. How fucking ridiculous. A friend of my brother's was not allowed to play in the Games Workshop store because the battlefield was painted a different colour to his models' bases. So, just to sum that all up, Games Workshop is staffed by children, it would seem.

Now, every time the rules have been rewritten, they've been made simpler. That was OK for 2nd Edition, because it made the game easier to play, but still retained a degree of complexity. The game, however, is now in it's 3rd edition, and it sucks. At first, I thought it was fine - games were quicker to play, there was less special items to worry about, etc. etc. But after a few games I realised that it was far too simple and many times turned into a straight dice-rolling contest. It wasn't fun, and I started to regret buying the new rules, thinking it was a fucking rip-off. There's a reason why Games workshop made the game this

simple, and I want you to think about what it could be as I tell you about the miniatures that Games workshop produce.

To play any battle game, you need miniature models to represent your armies on the battlefield. Some troops are going to be better than others, due to training or whatever, in any force. These models can be purchased from Games Workshop (and other places, but if you want to play in tournaments etc. you need 'official' models) and are made out of metal or plastic. Everyone prefers metal models. They are more detailed, more weighty and generally better looking than plastic models. But plastic models are cheaper, so there is a trade-off. Simple, right? No.

Because Games Workshop do not price their models based on the amount of materials used. They price their models based on how well they perform on the battlefield. Years ago this was not the case. A small example. Metal 'terminator' models used to cost ten pounds and you'd get fifteen models. Now, however, you must pay twenty five pounds for five PLASTIC terminators. Why? Because terminators are powerful troops. Fifteen pounds used to get you thirty space marines. These day's it'll get you ten. But wait . . . For that fifteen pounds could also get you fifteen imperial guardsmen. Why do you get more guardsmen? because space marines are better in combat. Perhaps the most ludicrous thing I saw was this: two

space marine scouts with sniper rifles will cost you four pounds. One space marine scout sergeant will cost you . . . five pounds. Why? because you need the scout sergeant to lead the other scouts. It's a fucking rip-off.

So why the silly prices? Well it has something to do with the 'simple' rules thing. And to put you out of your suspense, I'm going to tell you. Games Workshop are aiming their entire range at kids with rich

parents. These snivelling little wretches have the attention spans of goldfish with attention deficit disorder and could never stomach the idea of a game lasting more than an hour or so, nor can they cope with the idea

of special equipment, weapon effects etc. The game needs to be simple otherwise they won't understand it.

"But kids can't afford THOSE prices!" I hear you cry. No, they can't. Shit, I can't afford those prices (not that I'm wealthy though . . . that sentence seems misplaced). But their parents can. And mummy and daddy will buy whatever their little moaning sack of shit wants. And they'll buy the models and the paints and they'll get them home and their kids will ruin them as soon as brush hits model. So the money's wasted. But . . . there is a comeback . . .

Atrocious paint jobs can be stripped off . . . providing the model is metal. Plastic models will be reduced to a lump of shit if placed in paint stripper, so there's no chance of them ever looking good. OK, so strip the paint off. But the boxed sets of squads are all plastic these days, so they can't be stripped, so mummy and daddy will have to buy more. See a pattern emerging?

Now, I want you all to do something. If you live near a Games Workshop store, I want you to go in there and pretend you know nothing about wargaming (if you know nothing anyway, then so much the better). You'll be greeted by friendly store staff who will ask what you're after. Say you're trying to get into wargaming and would like some advice on their systems. They may well 'treat' you to a game there and then, or they may discuss some of the rules. Now, at this point say that you've heard about some other systems, such as 'Void', or mention that some of the historical games looked quite good, with realistic weapon effects, etc. etc. You'll be told something along the lines of "Oh, no the games workshop games are the only ones worth playing".

So why all this pricing, rules changing and buyer manipulation? And why do I care? And why should you care?

Because Games Workshop claim to be a 'Hobby games store, for wargaming enthusiasts'. It is not. It is a corporate chain store, who care only about raking in more cash, selling their own products and not allowing

anyone to experiment, for fear they may realise that there are hundreds of games systems better than Games Workshop.

And when I looked at the prices of models and rulebooks for the game 'Void', I thought to myself 'Games Workshop is a fucking rip-off'.

If you're interested in wargaming and would like some alternatives to Games Workshop games, check out TMP (http://www.theminiaturespage.com). It has links to many different rules systems for Historical, Sci-Fi and Fantasy games, and also a ton of articles relating to various games.