Write Or Wrong 3

*This week's column is dedicated to my younger sister, Danielle, whose love for Ewan McGregor knows no bounds.

Gentlemen, the competition has arrived and the situation is not looking good. That's right, we have competition. Well, at least us American guys do. It comes in the form of foreigners. Those dudes with the fancy accents and special languages are wooing our women by the thousands.

They appear as if by magic, bursting onto the screen in movies and television shows. They are good looking; I'll give them that. They are charming, that too I must concede. But I mean, what's the big deal? Are they no different than we Americans? What do they have that we don't? Well, it's those aforementioned characteristics of accent and languages that make the ladies swoon.

I submit to you the case of one Danielle Obenauer. A young attractive American girl of seventeen years of age, with a thing for Ewan McGregor. Yes, he's cute. Yes, he's a talented actor. Yes, he swills ungodly amounts of beer in his spare time. But what does he have that we lack? The accent gentlemen. The accent. He utters words in the manner that brings to mind the Highlanders of a bygone age . . . and the ladies love it.

Even my girlfriend has a thing for a foreigner. That damn Paul Bettany just about makes her drool. And yet again I admit that he has qualities that would make most women take notice. He too is a handsome young actor of great talent and would definitely be someone to take home to mommy and daddy. But in the end, it all comes down to his Brit accent. Yes, I know, it's rather sad.

But there's hope my friends. There is hope in the form of girls like my girlfriends sister, Becca, who thinks that Tobey Maguire is the cats meow. Yes, he is an American. Yes, he doesn't have an accent. Yes, there is a God. But these girls are few and far between. So I say to American guys out there, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I know what you're saying at this moment: “What the hell is this idiot thinking?” Well, this idiot is thinking that we have to become the enemy. We have to walk the walk and talk the talk. We have to beat theses guys at their own game. Texans, I bid thee lose those darn awful accents and adopt the speech patterns of those hunky Australians. Hey, the gals love Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman, so it can't be that bad right? New Yorkers, drop the damn Brooklyn and Bronx inflections and learn from the Scottish. Trust me, the ladies will dig it. And New Englanders, I demand that you get rid of those god-awful accents of yours and take on the sophisticated enunciation of a Brit.

Well, you guys out there can do all of the above or get plastic surgery to look like Heath Ledger. Because unless you do, you'll be sitting home very Friday night playing with your X-Box. So get off your duff and get to it. There's a war out there guys. What side are you on?

Next Week: Song And Dance: Life As A Musical

*This week's column was intended to be humorous and not to offend anyone. I actually love foreigners and hey, my ancestors are from Spain so I really can't hate foreigners. In fact . . . okay I'm ranting