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my rant on eyes



you ever stop and just... stare at yourself in the mirror? no, not your whole body, not even really your face... well, kind of your face so you can observe the expression you have on. but mostly the eyes. the eyes that are said to be "the window to the soul." [i hate cliches] not just a 10-second stare, either. a 5 minutes stare. it was late at night when i did this, so i was pretty tired, but it was something that freaked me out but also opened things up to me. when i was staring into my own eyes, i almost felt like crying. no, not cause i felt ugly or anything, but i just looked sad, and felt sad. i'll get into that later, but this part is the weird part.

i was staring at my right eyeball under that horrible hotel bathroom florescent lighting and suddenly my face shifted, and that eye became the opposite eye of my sister Vanessa's face. it was scary and unexpected. i wasn't even thinking about her. but maybe when i saw her... that's what people kinda see when they say we look alike? its in the eyes? i tried to see her again, and thought i did...i tried to see zoe and my mom, but couldn't. hadn't even been thinking of ness at the moment. i have been lately tho, cause i miss her. oh, i don't understand the subconscious and all that stuff. she would know. it was creepy tho.

and then all the buggin' stuff started, like my face turned black and decayed and wobbled around while that one right eye stood clear and transfixed... and then i looked weird, not like myself, i couldn't even recognize myself. i also noticed that my right eye was looking to the right a little. it didn't make sense, cause the one on the left was straight foward, the other one was just looking off. yikes. my eyes felt right and i even blinked and moved my head to see if the mirror was distorted. didn't change. really freaky. i shook my head and moved a few feet over and then my reflection (my eye) went back to its normal position. how crazy is that. no, i wasn't on drugs. i hope i don't have a lazy eye or something.

anyway, after that, when i looked in the mirror, i felt like i was actually looking at me, it was always a reflection of someone that wasn't my mind, but now i feel kinda like i'm looking at my mind. its strange, i know, but i often feel like my body isn't part of me. i don't know who it is, its just there and i can control it, but it really isn't attached to my mind.

looking into that mirror, at my face that was completely still... i looked kind of dead. in my head i was thinking, but this person just looked so empty/not full of life/like she had no thoughts at all. how can this dead body be me? i am always thinking and feeling. but there was no sign of that. it was really odd. i think that's at least part of what made me sad.

i wish i knew what the whole deal with eyes was, anyway. why are they the first thing you look at on a person? i guess just cause they show sadness, or friendliness, or if someone is threatening. i guess its just innate, we can't help it.

i wonder what staring at yourself would eventually come to, if done for a long period of time.

wow, i have issues.