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Things that they don't teach you in college....
Things I've Learned from My Children There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earth worms
dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Signs That You're No Longer A Kid! From TIMESHARIN@aol.com
Sometimes when you're sleeping, others worry that you're dead. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age - and isn't breaking any laws. You can humiliate your children by singing along with almost every Neil Diamond or John Denver song. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. Neighbors borrow your tools. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" You send money to PBS. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. You know what the word "equity" means. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. You have more hair in your ears than you do on the top of your head. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. You can get into heated arguments about pension plans. PROVERBS A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with words to complete it. Their insight may surprise you. BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN.....punch a fifth grader. STRIKE WHILE THE.....bug is close. IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE....Daylight Savings Time. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF.....termites. YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, BUT.....how? DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT.....looks dirty. NO NEWS IS.....impossible. A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A.....Mr. YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW.....math. IF YOU LIE DOWN WITH DOGS, YOU'LL.....stink in the morning. LOVE ALL, TRUST.....me. THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE.....pigs. AN IDLE MIND IS.....the best way to relax. WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S pollution. HAPPY IS THE BRIDE WHO.....gets all the presents. A PENNY SAVED IS.....not much. TWO'S COMPANY, THREE'S.....the Musketeers. DON'T PUT OFF 'TIL TOMORROW WHAT.....you put on to go to bed. LAUGH, AND THE WORLD LAUGHS WITH YOU; CRY, AND.....you have to blow your nose. NONE ARE SO BLIND AS.....Helen Keller. CHILDREN SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT.....spanked or grounded. IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED.....get new batteries. YOU GET OUT OF SOMETHING WHAT YOU.....see pictured on the box. WHEN THE BLIND LEADETH THE BLIND....get out of the way.
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