The problems with lawyer jokes is that
1. lawyers don't think they're funny and,
2. the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?
A: At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human being.

Q: Why are lawyers like enemas?
A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick drops off after you're dead.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth?
A: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand.

Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: "Good morning, your honor."

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman pinscher.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung?
A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.

Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey had first pick.

Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
A: Respect.

Q: Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

Q: What would happen if you locked a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
A: They're all slime.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: He saw a car accident on the other side.

Q: What are some of the requirements to becoming a lawyer?
A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and dope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.

Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while, "I'm gonna sue!!"

Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas has some dignity.

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between pigs and lawyers.
A: You can learn to respect a pig.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
R: Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes!
A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once.

Q: Why should dead lawyers be buried 16 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're real nice people.

Q: What educational programs should the United States support to ameliorate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish.

Q: Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
A: So they can park in the hanicapped parking. (they are morally handicapped)

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make car salesmen look good!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...