More Redneck Jokes TECHNO SPEAK FOR REDNECKS: LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do CHIP: Munchies fer the TV MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang truck keys SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf PORT: Fancy flatlander wine ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle REDNECK LOGIC Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so they thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" asked the first redneck. The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a lawnmower?" "I sure do," grinned the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good", says the redneck. The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouts "AMAZIN!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.) "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class!" The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" The friend asked. "Math, History, and Logic," replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is Logic?" asked his new friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a lawnmower?" "No," his friend replied. "You're queer, ain't ya? Redneck Son Dear Redneck Son; I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. bout that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it until she's fourteen. What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth! Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad." How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck. What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A documentary. What do they call it in Kentucky? "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for oncoming traffic. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.