Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.

What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What have you got if you have two fuzzy green balls in the palm of your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A teabag.

What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
About three inches.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy for it?
Money!!!

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit's middle finger.

What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
They are both fucking close to water!

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some?
1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough.
3. You don't have to be polite afterward.

Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
It improves hand-eye coordination.

What's another name for a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.

What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator?
Both are meat substitutes.

What are the three words a housewife never wants to here when making love?
Honey, I'm home!

Why do men who are bankers make better lovers?
Because they know that there is a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

What do toys and womens breasts have in common.
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in eight flavors.

What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course. Look at it this way. When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger
or your ear?

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.

Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are:
The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"
The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"
The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"
The fake orgasm: "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!"

Why is sex like air?
It's no big thing, unless you aren't getting any.

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed a sample of 100 men 12 pints of beer each.
They observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.

As Michael Jackson is leaving the delivery room after seeing his wife & newborn son, he asks the doctor, "How long before we can have sex?".
The doctor replies, "Wait at least until he can walk!"

What are the four miracles of women?
1 They can bleed for a week without dying,
2 They can make milk without eating grass.
3 They can make a man come without calling him.
4 They can bury a bone without digging a hole.

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and
the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A redheaded bitch with a yeast infection.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday ?
Forget it once.

Why did God create Adam before Eve ?
To give him a chance to speak.

A man noticed his credit card had been stolen  but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife.

As Benny Hill once said:
"Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth control has already been born?"

Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good
hand.
Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand, no partner is needed.

Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?

If God had not meant man to have sex with a goat, why put the horns in such a handy position?

Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called
"Headmaster?"

You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute...

Whats 3 things a man should not say in a gay bar
1 Bottams up
2 Well fuck me
3 Can I push your stool in for you

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

When do you slap a midget?
When he tells your wife her hair smells nice.

How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the
packaging.

Why did God give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What's the difference between a pay cheque and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your pay cheque.

What is the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?
One uses vaseline, the other uses polygrip.

How many animals can fit into one pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggys, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and a fish that no one can find!