Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).

It's not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness
by waving a tom collins under their nose, but as those of us who
go hunting for frosh on "New Kids night" at the local dance holes
know, the phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young,
inexperienced, and sometimes even illegal to entice into your
boudoir. If anyone can get drunk on five bucks, it's them.

Number 9. Be female.

Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies can't expect guys
to risk their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you
may still be able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing
around the bar, sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress
smutty. Smile at guys as they walk by, the drunker geekier the
better. If you want to get more than one drink out of a guy
start talking about how hot it is. Act intoxicated. Become even
more friendly. At an appropriate time have a friend come by and
"save you", then move on to the next guy.

Number 8. Try Medication.

Sleeping pills. Allergy pills. If it says "do not take
alcohol with this drug" or "do not operate a motorized vehicle
while under the influence of this drug", it must be good!
Intelligent students such as ourselves, while not having a shred
of pharmaceutical knowledge, can see that these statements are a
plot by alcohol producers to keep us buying large quantities of
booze.

Number 7. If it ends in 'ol', drink it!

Alcohol isn't the only intoxicant ending in 'ol'.
Methanol, Butanol and Propanol are all fine safe intoxicants,
often available at bargain prices. Stay away from aerosol,
cholesterol, and drool.

Number 6. Sleep Deprivation and Sickness.

For some reason, your body doesn't want you to have any
fun, and actively fights alcohol pois^H^H^H^H-enhancement. When
you're sick, and tired, your body's defenses are at their lowest.
This means its often one of the most cost effective times to get
plastered! Best of all, if you puke, you can blame it on the flu.

Number 5. Try Antifreeze

Hey, ten thousand deranged alcoholic street people can't
be wrong!

Number 4. Smash and Grab.

Drunk on less than five bucks? Try drunk for free! If
you're smart enough to figure out your news reader, chances are
you're smart enough to plan a little robbery.

Number 3. Scavenge.

Go to any bar and you'll usually see alcohol that people
just don't want. Most often these finds will be at empty tables,
with chairs with jackets on them that people also don't want.
Grab the booze, and the jackets, and leave. Do so stealthily
though. You wouldn't believe how many losers will pretend that
they really wanted their cast offs. Finders keepers!

Number 2. Hang around with Losers or Generous People (same thing)

Some people are crazed enough to buy alcohol for other
people, and expect nothing in return. Well, they might expect
after they buy you a round that you'll do the same, but you never
signed any contract. Generous people usually stop buying alcohol
when they realize what a cheap bastard you are, but losers will
usually keep on doing it. They'll be so overwhelmed by the fact
that you're actually talking to them, they won't worry about
little details, like that they're spending their tuition money
to get you pissed.

And now ...(drum-roll)... The Number 1 Way to get Drunk

for Five Dollars or Less: ... Make Beer Fast!

Finger the originator of this article, an address will be given.
Mail one beer to this address. Using saturation posting
techniques, repost this article to enough newsgroups for about a
million people to see it. Within a few weeks you'll have received
a million beers. In another few weeks the postal system will
collapse.