On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light
showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked
at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us
killed!" Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."
 So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver
sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I
thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!"
The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My
mother drives like this all the time!"
Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver
slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?"
The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you
stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way!" The driver said. 

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by
a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window
and opened his ticket book she said:
"I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
 He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that
he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had
more than one complaint.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But,
I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor
gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis
is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me?
You are my only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies,
"I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go
deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will
find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog,
will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches
less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called
out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too
long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again.
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was
another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He
looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a
moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would
be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog
will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many
times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their
butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since
they would be out quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told
her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home
and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some
very important business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch
watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told
him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his
ear, "Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and
stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next
time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"

There were two Rednecks out fishing one day. They had no luck until one of
them felt a tug on the line. He reeled and reeled and to his suprise, there
was a genie's bottle at the end of it. He rubbed the bottle until the genie
appeared. The genie told them that he only had one wish left and they had
better use it wisely. The younger of the two, becoming impatient, grabbed
the bottle and wished that the entire lake was filled with beer. With a clap
of the genie's hands his wish came true. The older of the two stood up,
slapped the other and yelled "LOOK WHAT YOU DID!, NOW WE HAVE TO PEE
IN THE BOAT!"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yes," and
he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the
Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all
back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The
Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The
Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first."

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His
friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep
on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond.
"Hi," he said, "Who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The
guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to
himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave
when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure,
I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob replies, "Sure." Then
the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls out the man's penis and finds that it has all kinds of mold
and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something
awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob
then shakes it, puts it back in and zips the guy up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No
problem, but what in the world is wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls
his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy,
what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy
longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little
girl asked.
"No," her father replied, "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well,
we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The
doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this
hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.
After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye
and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl
notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he
deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for
your wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I
figure,... if I have to roll my own, so does she!"

An elderly couple were traveling across country when they were pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper approaches the car and says,"Ma'am did you know that you were
speeding?"
The women turns to her husband and asks"What did he say?" The old man yells,HE
SAID YOU WERE SPEEDING" The trooper continues,"May I see your licence?" The
women turns to her husband and asks"What did he say?" The old man yells,"HE
WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE" The old women gives the trooper her license.
He looks it over and then remarks,"I see that you're from New Jersey. I spent some
time in New Jersey....had the worst sex with a women there... The women turns to her
husband and asks,What did he say?" The old man yells,"HE THINKS HE KNOWS
YOU!

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a
holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old
man says, "You remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this
cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, Yes I remember it well dear." replies the little old lady with a grin." "Well, for
old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind." The two
pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has
overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing
to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough,
he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her
knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the
lady's hips. The little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty
minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging
away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal.
Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single
second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to
this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting
on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I
could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!"
The two have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the
man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen
anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag
like that fifty years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, fifty years ago that fucking
fence wasn't electrified."

There was a blonde and she went to the emergency room because she got shot in the
hand. The doctor asked her how she got shot in the hand. She replied, "I tried to kill
myself." He replies "what?" She says,"Well,first I put the gun to my chest, then
thought '"Wait I have a 500 dollar boob job, and don't want to mess it up", then I put
the gun to my chin, and thought "well, I just got new dental work done, don't want
that messed up", so I put the gun to my ear, and then thought, it will be really loud, so
I put my hand between the gun and my ear and pulled the trigger!"

A couple of homosexual men are accidentally rear-ended by a large
truck at a stop sign one afternoon.
Furious, the man in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat,
steps out of the car, then walks back to the truck and starts banging
on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the homosexual, standing there
with his hands on his hips, says, "We're gonna sue your ass!"
The truck driver smirks, says, "Blow me, buddy!"
The homosexual stands there for a moment thinking, then his eyes get
really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car and says
excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe this... he wants to settle
out of court!"

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk
stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Dr. Cook was brought up on charges at the medical board. He had, it seemed,
uttered the vilest profanity to his nurse.
He explained, "Let me tell you what happened. My alarm didn't go off, so I woke up
late. When I did wake up, I tried to turn on the light in the lamp on my nightstand.
The bulb exploded and scared me for a minute, so I pulled the cord out of the wall,
and the lamp fell over and broke. Then I was trying to make a little breakfast when a
whole army of little Girl Scouts showed up and tried to sell me tons of cookies. I had
to buy five boxes to get rid of the kids. By then my coffee was ice cold, and my eggs
were burned. I gulped down a glass of juice. It turned out to be sour. When I started to
drive to the office, the car conked out. The alternator was gone. I didn't have my auto
club card with me so I had to pay to have the car towed to a service station. I looked
at my service book and discovered that the warranty ran out last week. I took a cab to
the office, but around Main Street somebody sideswiped us, and I hit my head on the
door handle. I finally made it into my office when my nurse said, "Doctor, a shipment
of thermometers just came in. What shall I do with them?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years
later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their
problems in the past. The engineer, happy with his retirement, reluctantly took the
challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked
a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This
is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
Accounting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
The bill was paid in full, and the engineer never had his retirement disturbed again.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone
rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at
her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy
for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's
having on his fishing trip with you."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in
Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this
dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she
was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps,
and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to
himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He
went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful
woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her
apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and
heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the
next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He
gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the
door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the
top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way
wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps,
then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was
burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the
doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this,
because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just
ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no
way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your
mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

Farmer Joe had recently been injured in a serious traffic accident and decided his
injuries were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the
accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Farmer Joe. "Records show that at the scene of the accident, you stated to the police
'I'm fine.'?"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into my trailer, and..." "I didn't ask you or details," the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the
trailer, and I was driving down the highway..."
The lawyer interrupted again, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene
of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was, 'Just
fine'. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe
that he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, though, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer, and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Farmer Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the highway, when
this huge semi-truck ran the stop sign and smacked into my truck right in the side. I
was thrown into the ditch on one side of the road, and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real bad, and didn't want to move. I could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning, and I knew she was in bad shape."
Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, the Patrolman came across the road
with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape
I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Three explorers, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American from New York City
are captured by cannibals.
The cannibal chief comes up to them and says "We're going to kill you, eat you, and
use your skins to make a canoe. But, you do get to choose how you die."
The Englishman pulls out a revolver, yells "God save the queen!" and shoots himself
in the head.
The Frenchman pulls out a bottle of cyanide, shouts "Vive La France!" drinks the
poison, and dies.
The New Yorker pulls out a fork, and begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over the
body.
The cannibal chief is amazed. "Stop! What are you doing to yourself?"
The New Yorker, continuing to stab himself with the fork, looks at the chief and
screams "This is what I think of your fucking canoe!"

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor
told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an
Irishman, turned to his son and said "son, even on this gloomy day, its our tradition to
drink to health as it is in death; so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub.
There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is
dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not
AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father
reply's "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your
mom when I'm gone."

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with
his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him
in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are
doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat
it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we
let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning
to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces
that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out
the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her,
and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks
by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love
with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning
before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make
love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a
break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And
then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer
able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have
a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming
from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy,
every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom
you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says,
"Oh...well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes
him thin again." And the boy says, Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day
and blows him back up!"

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say
Mass for him that day.
As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it
was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the
heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The
Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just
short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do
that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through
the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that
perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep
incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a
huge bear met him nose to nose. The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that
he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind.
As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the
bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man,
who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday
morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with
whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life." The bear was no more than three
feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens
quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this
food of which I am about to partake."

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets
pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are
sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this
anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am
going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to
make me feel like a woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and
starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She see his
huge muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in
hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you
interested?"
She eagerly nods her head "yes!"
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a
long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his
wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly
silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she
processes his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the
Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might
have qualified for disability, too."

One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins one of his elder parishoners in his
church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the
kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor
happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jenkins organ was sitting a bowl which
contained a condom floating in water. Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and
after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to
him. "Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied,"I found that lying on the street corner and
the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent
disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him,
"Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is
old enough to ask the question, then she is old
enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father
asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a
couple of secs."

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked
the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The
farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the
farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the
bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the
bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked. The
farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she
took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?"
the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the
stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and
nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the
farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her
tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some
things you just can't explain."

There was an old couple lying in bed watching TV and a commercial about Viagra
came on. The couple couldn't believe what they had come out with.
The next morning the old man got up and was putting his clothes on. The old lady
asked what he was doing and he told her that he was going to the doctor. She said
well what for? The old man said I'm going to get me some of that Viagra.
The old lady thought for a moment... and then got up and started putting her clothes
on. The old man said what are you doing? Going to the doctor, she replied. He asked
what for.
She looked at him and said: Well, if you plan on using that old rusty thing ...I'm going
to get a tetanus shot!

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots
another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So
the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved
his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his
head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says,
"What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you
have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see
one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She
opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and
throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says
"That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I
could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So
she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You
know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he
owes me?"

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour
of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very
serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five
times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow
job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any
attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how
many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is
gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way
you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an
ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking
on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess
the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the
way you're thinking!"

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake
and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the
gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So
the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance
have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't
have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He
said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical
condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into
laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an
excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he
finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few
more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a
pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some
talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up
waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home
with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He
shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can
earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what
I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his
suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming
with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets
him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the
Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill
says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......."   They go to the second
door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill
says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica
Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks
okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been
replaced."

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.
Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?"
His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and
12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for
Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday
and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for
January, one for February, one for March...."

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door
closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The
dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his
head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.”
The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself.  So he
does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The
dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said
‘Turn Around’.”

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so
he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking
on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next
house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh
that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's
telling her to go fuck herself!"

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She
went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got
home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come
over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that
to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought
me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for
him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon
night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant.
Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get
it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the
spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a
hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says,
"Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in
there?"

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about
something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second
guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the
counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I
asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having
breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass
me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for
supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so
he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll
see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're
eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After
the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor
replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked
that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman
confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the
interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks
him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies"Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your
country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you
love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer
looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next
room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back,
with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The
second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and
the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill
his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and
tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after
a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun
on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which
the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in
bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd
better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me
$25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet
again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. 
The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has
recovered enough to speak.  "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've
got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my
car.  She's insatiable.  She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I
can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take
your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the
car.  It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man.  And
they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window.  It's a cop, and he shines his
flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right,
officer," explains the landlord,  "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically,
"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned
light."

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander.
During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing.
There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what
it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to
him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they
have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling
very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and
he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his
pants and said,"So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No
we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking
solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who
was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied."I'm sorry," said Bill. "What
happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in
the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died
as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow
your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking
before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman
decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do
what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman
agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot
for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting
in your soup."

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She
was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the
lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they
thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned
unopened."

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the
first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does
it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm
way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you
die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to
the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one
was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran
as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and
died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you
mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both
still be alive."

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other
day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did
you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second
nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I
found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen
gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway.
"Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with
you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get
her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional
everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves
happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth
dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has
told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it.
However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The
guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over
he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus" With that the nun
turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where
his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on
last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of
yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the
chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over,
weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is
almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he
goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps,
"Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly
responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly
mistaken."

It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly
the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything,
some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck
do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His
wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was
some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He
picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the
fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget
about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could
you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How
would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much
concrete..how much steel...!  No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, "I've been married and
divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm
insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're
crying...know what
they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if
the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things
like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things
going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor
tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a
real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in
anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set
my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a
really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about
eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys
stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to
be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not
really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says
"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her
pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I
could get rid of your brother"

A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss
in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts
and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the
other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere;
on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The
man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up."
So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender
asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to
the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He
replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that
you would be happy and laugh about it!"

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of
the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this
summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks
a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because
there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as
anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn'
so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I
think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be
lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying
for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just
going to be me and you."

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their
car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and
Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom
went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I
don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she
said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in
some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for
breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well,
gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of
his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes
very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well
you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly said "My wife is so
dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got
electricity!" The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she
brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"
The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I
saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of
rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume
party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy
standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?"
asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars
are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting.
I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it
and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old
man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man
says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So
the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A
BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He
needs a pair of your underwear!"

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The
toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all
of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops
his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in
the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,
"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall
man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the
hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied
"Horse shit, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs
some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man
started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk
asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk
how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and
was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the
bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one
wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky
turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a
bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden
there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and
wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the
act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking
about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom,
but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the
side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the
truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a
quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the
orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm
checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well
check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill
5 minutes ago."

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in
his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes,
yes dear anything what is it?" He starts,"The first year we were together, I caught
pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To
which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the
terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up
and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost
everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time.
Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just
want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During
the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the
bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man
walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.
Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever
saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but
that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women -
what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not
been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't
know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a
drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe
Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row
boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled
with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr.
Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her
bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into
her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty
big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could
barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that
finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a
good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but
they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to
get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the
middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids
to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant
to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But
eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well
the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked
him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she
said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But
this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted and the man next door shot himself."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help
noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder
if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his
mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure
you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not
saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take
a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair
making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps
out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your
driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and
hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room
and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I
see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store
receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her
on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old
man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The
old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from
her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old
Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What
are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the
young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was
lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I’ll have some myself," she continued
as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the
line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line,
he was bewildered. "But you’re so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em
dry!"

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a
walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy
runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger
than yours!"
The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several
minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw
some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several
minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just
saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber
he got!"

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some
rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And,
I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table
every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and
card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any
comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be
sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several
years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out
and tells the doctor.
"That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction."
The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a
moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks this is
amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man
return to her bedside and perform oral sex.
More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his
deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside
screaming for the doctor.
"What's going on?" asks the doctor.
The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!"
"What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good a few
minutes ago."
The husband replies, "She choked."

Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.
The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time
to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did
to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's
time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster
says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't
bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell
you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever
wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles:
"You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give
you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster
takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch,
hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his
shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly
shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this
week."

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a
honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if
there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long
time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed
so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I cant
get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new
experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when
she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So
she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until
one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard
as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the
doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags
under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags..those are your boobs."
All she had to say was.."Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school
were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was
accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They
agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when
he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she
took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well
and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she
became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's
cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so,
was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great
time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it
starts raining so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off
and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" So she
replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"
So her friend asks: "What’s a condom? Where did you get it?" So she says: "At the
pharmacy" So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she
can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"
So she replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the
rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male
dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20
the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any
questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and
starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man
immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his  erection, comes over to him
grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you
mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give
you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side
of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his
way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within
a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out
of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule
that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob
around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:
"May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500
joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only
saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I
get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her
grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about
those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't
let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but,
don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but,
don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and
have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will
disgrace the family.
With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell
her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went
just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his
costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun
by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little
kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the
cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and
went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had
had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they
noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim
under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the
ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and
quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard
and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were
going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up
before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming
reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I
absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family
called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's
condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write
on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his
last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to
look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the
same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred
handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm
sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When
she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I
was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the
lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top
of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes
home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you.
I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go
ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs
with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top
of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last
summer."

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You
know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex
therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!",
responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex
therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed.
"We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he
could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a
bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the
grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to
get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our
sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same
sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and
Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But
doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must
have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at
all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the
grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while
taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she
courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not
understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper
was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door
open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary,
who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran,
sitting on two duffel bags!"

Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging
about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his
son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just
the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales
firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his
was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his
best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about
how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and
hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the
other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer
Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred
approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept
going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was
alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this
morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put
the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and  coming...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go
fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack
my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home
in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his
wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk
pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd
like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this
weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs
forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you
do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram,
your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is
your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. 
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded
156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he
was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were
examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his
tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician
unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he
found? The birth control pill!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up
the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I
screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the
closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'
....and she's always sound asleep."

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed
the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of
energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and
down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of
energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him
across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the
funeral!"

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent
filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the
women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No
one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done
today. 
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to
the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man
and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then
we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third
man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" 

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he
can't. Finally, he goes to a world
renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your
problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs,
causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the
doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to
cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops
stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut
off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.
He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the
line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking
through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he
didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told
them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The
frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash
helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was
amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all
the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his
wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on
board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained
that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking
his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were
females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last
wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr.
Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class,
"Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the
appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the
conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a
proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that,
she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the
same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye,
in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say
to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And
three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their
sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he
does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his
incredible shaft."
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call
your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked
Joanne.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other
of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long
life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary...
Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like
we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up
in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in
the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon
and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next
day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies,
"Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third
was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a
tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a
fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher,
his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. Seventh was
a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a
strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid,"
answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I
was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his
wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone
who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen,
would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The
woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the
witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the
gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The
woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But
there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to
bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after
you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you
felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and
murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and
yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date.
When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says
to her, "How about a blowjob?" 
"What! Are you crazy!" 
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend. 
"No! Someone might see us..." 
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it." 
"No! I said no!" 
"Baby... don't be like that." 
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her
hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you
blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for
God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper,
but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been
delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know
very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know
that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was." 

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to
the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in
her eye, said,   "Nope.  You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty
romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her
companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." 
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then
she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The
old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The
elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and
send chills down my spine." 
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the
couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something
I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the
other room to get my teeth!"

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from
her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on
the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied,
"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a
husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked
on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter
replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever
get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again,
this time
coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching
television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She
asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken
into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk
sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to
populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at
God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush
and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord!
That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again
he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the
bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said,
"Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed
done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make
love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few
seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give
you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you
can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues
to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their
faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father
[never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father
said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left
in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told
the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while
urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and
blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a
man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so
great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there
and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it
be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he
went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if
Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of
thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
misdirection while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was
good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes,
multiple orgasms....."

A couple was playing golf when one of them hit the ball and it strayed, breaking a
window in an ajoining condo. The wife said, "Maybe we should go there and see if
anyone was hurt." The husband agreed and they proceeded to the building. They
located the place where the window was broken, opened the door, and there, sitting
on the floor and a bit dazed was a man. "We are the people who hit the ball and broke
your window. Are you all right?"
The gentleman replied, "Yes, I'm find. And I want to thank you. The ball you hit
through the window struck a vase that was sitting in front of it. I am a genie who has
been trapped in the bottle for thousands of years!. What can I ever do to repay you for
freeing me? "The couple said they didn't need anything. The genie replied, "There
must be something you want in return for freeing me. Think of your heart's desire and
let me grant you each your wish."The wife replied, "Well, it would be lovely to own a
huge mansion with servants so we can have our friends over whenever we want."The
genie replied, "Your wish is granted!" He said to the husband, "Think of your heart's
desire and let me grant you your wish."The husband replied, "I could use $50 million
so that I can stay at home with my wife and we can visit our friends together."
The genie replied, "Your wish is granted!" The couple thanked the genie and asked if
there was anything they could do for him, as he had been so generous. The genie
replied, "Well, I hope you don't misunderstand this, but I have been locked in the
bottle for so long, I don't remember what it is like to have intimate relations with a
woman. Could I please make love to your wife? "The couple looked at each other and
agreed, since the genie had been so wonderful to them. The genie and the woman
went up the stairs to the bedroom and began to make love. The genie asked, "How old
is your husband?" The wife replied, "He's 31." The genie then asked "And how old are
you?" The wife replied that she was 28. The genie said, "That's a little old to be
believing in genies, isn't it?

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just
had another fight with the little woman". "Oh yeah", said Eddie. "And how did this
one end"? "When it was over", Harvey replied. "She came to me on her hands and
knees". "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? "She said, 'Come out from
under that bed, you gutless weasel'"!

A couple of women were playing golf on a sunny Sunday morning. The first of the
twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole. Indeed the ball hit one of them and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony. The women rushed down to the man and immediately began
to apologize. She explained that she was a medical assistant. "Please allow me to
help. I'm a medical assistant, and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow
me," she told him earnestly. "Ummmmph ooooohhhhh nnnnnoooooooo, I'll be fine in
a few minute," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch. She persisted and he finally allowed her to
help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, she loosened his
pants and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. After a few minutes
she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my
thumb still hurts like hell!"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple
wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed
and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and
asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied,
"No problem at all Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too
bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we
made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went
to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two
weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the
young man replied sadly."What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was
reaching for a can of corn on the topshelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick
it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You
understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the
pastor. "We Know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Foodtown anymore
either."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper on the first ring, "Hello? Feeling put
out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your
Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?", the man
asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk
with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was
not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just
leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is
there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the
child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he's busy.", whispered the
child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the
Fireman.", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he
heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss
asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice
the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed,
concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for
me!"

An old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next
day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which
is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened,and the
man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even
called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but
nothing." The doctor was shocked "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man
replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

There is a mental institution and a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
out like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie
replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good
trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops
driving his imaginary car and ask, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I
just got into Chicago" "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and
goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says.."I'm
screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the
dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening,
she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand. 'Is THIS what
you've been using on me for the past 10 years?' 'Honey! Let me explain!' 'Why you
sneaky bastard!' she screamed. 'You impotent SOB!!' 'Speaking of sneaky!' he
interrupted, 'Maybe you'd care to explain our two kids???

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that
he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor
replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I
can tell my wife."

Once there was 3 guys that where in the middle of the ocean because they crashed
their boat. All of a sudden a fairy came out of no where. The faiery said to the three
men " ill give each one of you one wish". The first man said " i wish i was back in my
house next to a warm fire" . BOOM !!! he was back home next to a warm fire. the
secound man said " i wish i never came to this trip". BOOM !!!! he was back in his
house and he didnt remember anything about the trip. The third man said " Well im
gettin kinda lonly can u bring my two friends back"

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes
downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and
says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother,
totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My
wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring
the kids?"

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of
you go." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female Employee: "And I'm a
woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." To which they all turn to look at
the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I
think I might be gay..."

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus, sets him up on the bar and says "I bet
anyone in here 50 bucks that my octopus can play any musical instrument you hand
him. One guy walks up with a guitar and says, "You're on." He lays his 50 bucks on
the bar and hands over the guitar. The octopus proceeds to tune the strings and begins
to play a wonderful classical rendition. Everyone's aghast! The guy collects his 50
bucks. Next guy brings up a trumpet and lays his money on the bar. The octopus takes
it, plays with the valves for a moment, and proceeds to play a wonderful jazz riff. The
guy collects his money again. The bartender leaves and comes back a few minutes
later with a set of bagpipes and lays his 50 bucks on the bar. The octopus picks it up,
turns it around, looks at it some more, turns it over again to get a different
perspective. After a few minutes of this the guy is getting impatient and asks, "What
are you waiting for? Why don't you start playing it?" The octopus looks over and says,
"Play it? Hell I was trying to figure out how to get her pajamas off!!"

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough
frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys
do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member "I don't think this is going to
work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's
just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to
the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says
Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies,
All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my
forehead and pulling my ears." 

There is a woman who is really depressed because she can't get a date.Her main
problem is her huge ass, and her under endowed chest. So, she goes to her doctor and
asks for help. He hands her a roll of toilet paper, and says, "Rub this between your
breasts 3 times a day" .She says," well what the hell is that going to do???".The doctor
replies, "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass didn't it?!" 

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a
small private airplane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the
best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a
parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one
and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live" and jumped out. The lawyer then
said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, "I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute
and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and
full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.  "Take the last
parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest
and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my
back pack".

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving
an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would
you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one
minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear
raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I
got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the
diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary I got my
wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls,
she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The Biker then
took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old
lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go
fuck herself."

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head  and his leg so he
writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem.  A few days later he
receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The
spotted handkerchief will cover your  bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will
be just right as a pirate."  The  man thinks this is terrible because they have just
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and
he receives another parcel and a note, which says  "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your  wooden leg and, with your bald head,
you will really look the part."  Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone
from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel
and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee
apple!"

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor:
"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you
get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red,
sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, "I'm
the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you
understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up
immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He
knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back
and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace
but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Three men, who were lost in the forest, were captured by cannibals. The cannibal
king told the prisoners that they could live only if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king explained
the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expressions on
your face. Or you’ll be eaten.”
The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain. So he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.  When the king explained
the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2….3…..4…..5……6…..7…..8….. and on the ninth berry, he burst out in
laughter. And was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.  The first one asked, “Why did you
laugh? You almost got away with it.”
The second one replied, “I could’t help it. I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples.”

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an
hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you
tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the
woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

There was a fourth grade boy and a fourth grade girl. The fourth grade boy
came by the fourth grade girl's house with a football and teased the girl saying,
"Ha Ha! You can't have a football cause your a girl."  The girl goes to her mom crying
so her mom buys her a football. The boy got angry.  So the next day he comes by with
a boys bike and teases her saying,  "Ha Ha! You can't have a boys bike cause your a
girl!"  So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boys bike. The boy gets very
mad. So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of
these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!!!" She goes crying to her mom
and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress and says,   "My mom said as long as I
have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!"

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The
man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what
he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three
times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your
legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me
crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition
such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh,
I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the
bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots
and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her
and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to
discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her
skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to
her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little
smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack
and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily
from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How
dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping
carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep;
the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold
and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?" The woman
leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're
married." "Why not," laughs the man.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

This blonde wakes up in the middle of the night to find her house on fire.
Panicked, she dials 9-1-1 and screams "My house is on fire, you've got to come put it
out".
"Okay, ma'am, could you tell us how to get there?"
and she says "Duuuh, in the big red truck!"

A lawyer and a blonde were sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leaned
over to her and asked if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and
dozing, just wanted to take a nap, so she said no and rolled over to the window to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persisted and explained that the game was really easy and a lot of fun. "I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
She still didn't want to play and tried to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, said, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you
pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she
is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
That caught the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this
torment unless she played, she agreed to the game.
The lawyer asked the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde didn't say a word, reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill and
handed it to the lawyer.
Then it was the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three
legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looked at her with a puzzled look. He took out his laptop and searched all
his references. He tapped into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection
to his modem port and searched the internet. Frustrated, he sent E-mail to all his
co-workers, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he woke the blonde and
handed her $50. The blonde politely took the $50 and turned away to get back to
sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little baffled, woke the blonde and asked, "Well, so
what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the
lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and
the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was
declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the
shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in
front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to
complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think
those two other girls were using their arms."

One day a blonde, brunette and redhead walk into the elevator of their apartment
building. As they enter they see a white puddle on the floor. The brunette bends down
looks at it and says, "Ya that's the white stuff!"
Then the redhead bends down, smells it and says, "Oh ya that's it alright!"
Then the blonde bends down, taste it and says, "Sure it is! But it's no one from our
building!"

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave
$10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM.
Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to
go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind
the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note...  
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

This blonde walked into the telephone office and told the man working there that she
wanted to call her mom who lived in Belgium. The man told her that the call would
cost her about 75 dollars. The blonde then said she just couldn't afford that much. So
the man said, "maybe we can work something out for you, let's go to the back room."
When they got there the man told her to get on her knees in front of him, which she
did. The man then said, "well, unzip the pants". So she unzipped his pants. Then he
said "take it out" which she did. Then he said "put it to your lips", and she did. The
man then said "well, go ahead". The blonde, having it to her mouth said, "hello,
Mom?”

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a pint of
Guinness. As they're sitting at the bar enjoying each other's company, three flies come
buzzing along and land in each man's drink. The Englishman pushes his beer away in
disgust. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his brew and goes on drinking. The
Irishman holds his fly over his drink and starts yelling, "Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it
out!!

PENIS STUDY In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the
head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they
concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more
pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research,they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the
forehead.
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey to have a drink. The monkey starts
running all over the bar eating everything in site, a couple olives some lime slices and
the cue ball off the pool table. The bartender yells at the guy did you just see what
your monkey did? The guy says no, so the bartender tells the man and the man said
that damn monkey is always eating everything I'm sorry let me pay for the damages
and leave. A week later the guy returns to the bar with his monkey and as soon as he
sits down the monkey jumps up on the bar and grabs a maraschino cherry and sticks it
up his ass then eats it, well the bartender was just disgusted at this and yells to the
man did you just see what your monkey did? And the man says yes ever since he
swallowed that cue ball he measures everything first!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a
whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And
get me another whisky, you bitch!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you
twice for a coffee, go and get it now, bitch, or I'll give you a slap."
Next minute, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him
and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom
factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favorite form of
birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms
ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor,
please?", said Yeltsin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said
Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the
President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms
right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each
one."

Two blondes were on opposite banks of a river One blond yelled to the other, "How
do I get to the other side?"
The other one yelled back, "You're already on the other side."

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said,
"and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair and more than generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the
confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said,
"Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my
boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them
into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me
of my sins?"
"NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf
War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their
husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked
several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an
explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"
One Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines"

Two Arkansas people are walking down different ends of a street toward each other.
One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy say, whatcha got in
the bag?" "Just some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"Hell, l'll give you both of them!" "OK. uummmm......five?"

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He
thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and
the padre points to a rock and says, "this is a rock."
At which the chief looks and grunts, "rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst
of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly
responds, "riding a bicycle."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so... how could
he kill these people??
The chief calmly replied, "Him riding MY bicycle."

A consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at
the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says
"Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the consultant.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you
lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the consultant . "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Three women escape from a correctional facility...a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
They're being tracked by prison guards, dogs, local police, state police, the sheriff and
his deputies.
In an attempt to hide, they seek cover in a barn. As they hide in the barn, it becomes
obvious the authorities are heading towards the barn, so the three women decide to
hide up in the loft area inside gunny sacks.
The sheriff and a deputy arrive first to check out the barn for the women. They find
nothing on the main level so the deputy checks the loft area. After a quick visual scan
he hollers down to the sheriff, "nothing up here but some hay bales and three gunny
sacks." The sheriff says to check the sacks so the deputy kicks the first sack
containing the brunette, and she responds with a convincing "woof-woof", the deputy
kicks the second sack with the redhead inside and she lets out a perfect cat meow...
The deputy says to the sheriff nothing up here but some dogs and cats, then he kicks
the third sack with the blonde and she yells...potatoes!!!

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through
the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter
closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did
anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either.
Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you
did in your life, I'll let you in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was
driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down,
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I
got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the
leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain
running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members
formed a circle around me. "So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and
smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around
and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch
of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.
When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while
Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, I thought I told you to be quiet! Jerry says, Hey, I
tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled by me, I didn't make a sound, when that
bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep, but when those two
chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, "Should we take them with us or eat
them here?" then I COULDN'T KEEP QUIET ANY MORE!!!

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following
scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply
imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people
place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law
they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they
return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to
their banks. The name of the company:
"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"

Jesus and Moses are golfing one day, and they reach a very difficult hole. Moses takes
out a three wood, and drives it onto the green with his first shot.
Jesus then takes out a one wood, to which Moses replies "Are you mad!? I just hit
clear to the green in one shot with a three and now you're going to try a one!?" "Tiger
Woods would use a one," replies Jesus. He hits it straight into a water trap.
"So there" says Moses, who then parts the water and lets Jesus get his ball out. Jesus
tees off again, with his one, and hits it into the water. Moses parts it again and Jesus
gets ready to tee off again. He uses the one, and the ball goes right back into the
water. "That's it" says Moses, "I'm not getting the ball out if you won't listen to me."
"Fine" says Jesus, "I can get it out myself." He walks off towards the water trap.
Before he gets there, however, the group behind them comes over to play the hole,
and watch with amazement as Jesus walks across the water, pulls out his ball, and
finally chips it onto the green.
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ!?" exclaims one of them. "No," replies
Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great biznessman of my
time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school
teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the
plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him
answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving...., he
ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these
mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for
the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he
entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into
bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a
sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs.
He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what
are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!"
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!"
"God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her
family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!"

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father
down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me
help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would
stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several
more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows
in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Cowboy gets all dressed up in his rhinestone shirt, his black stetson,snakeskin boots
and his best pair of wranglers. Walks into the bar and orders a Lonestar beer.
The woman a few stools down turns to the cowboy and asks: "Are you really a
cowboy?"
The cowboy replies: "Well, all ma' life I have been drivin cattle, breakin'
horses,ropin'steer,and fixin' fences. So I reckin' I'm a real cowboy. Why, what are
you?"
The woman says proudly: "I'm a lesbian."
"What's a lesbian do?" asked the cowboy.
To which the woman says: " I think about women all the time. When I wake up, I
think about women. When I go to bed I think about women. Whether I am
eating,sleeping or watching tv, I am always thinking about women." After a few
drinks the woman leaves.
A couple walks up to the bar. The female admiring the cowboys' shirt asks: "Are you
a real cowboy?"
"Nope." says the cowboy. "No ma'am,about five minutes ago I found out that I was a
lesbian."

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional
unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover
for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a
woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery.
"Priest says: "How many times? "Woman: "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two Hail
Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.
"A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I
have sinned. "Priest says, "What did you do? "Man says, "I committed adultery.
"Priest asks, "How many times? "Man replies, "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two
Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.
"The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes
later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned. "Rabbi
says, "What did you do?" Woman replies, "I committed adultery. "Rabbi ask, "How
many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a
special this week, three for $5.00."

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him
in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army
pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken
in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her
left knee.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had
the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times
last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn
from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is
over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last
year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is
ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the
same cow."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by
the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into
the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels,
he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a
booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't
believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with
the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that
restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to
the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and
he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark
glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Monica Lewinski stops in at her neighborhood dry cleaner and places a dress on the
counter. She tells the clerk that she wants the dress cleaned and needs to have a stain
removed.
The clerk being a little hard of hearing, looks at the dress and then up at Monica and
says "come again", not quite hearing everything that she had said.
To which she replies, "no, this time its just grape jelly".

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to
press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's
position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his
hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And
now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A blonde got on a plane headed for Hawaii. Instead of sitting in Coach, where she's
supposed to sit, she sat in First Class. A little ways through the flight the flight
attendant comes up to her and says, " Madam, you have to go to Coach."
The blonde replies, "No, I'm going to Hawaii." Finally, after arguing with her for a
few minutes, the flight attendant goes to the pilot and says, "Sir, there's a lady in First
Class that is suppose to sit in Coach and she won't go."
"Show her to me and I'll go talk to her."
So the pilot went and talked to her. She picked here stuff up and went to sit in her
assigned seat.
The flight attendant asked, " How'd you get her to move?" The pilot replied, " I told
her that First Class wasn't going to Hawaii."

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman -- because her new husband
is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate
suites so that the old fellow not over exert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is
expectin. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They
unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she
prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready
for more action -- somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling which is
again successful. After which, the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second
time when there is another knock at the door, and there he is again fresh as a 25 year
old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie - as they are laying in afterglow the young
bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go
for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for
one." The old man says ' Oh - was I here already?'

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard to figure out. None of the pieces
fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming
over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw pieces on the
kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's
sake, put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going
to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she
sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I
guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would
she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes
I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and
can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs
and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get
it!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely
stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells
him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be
no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the
garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous
woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.