Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You
know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex
therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!",
responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex
therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed.
"We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he
could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a
bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the
grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to
get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our
sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same
sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and
Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But
doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must
have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at
all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the
grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while
taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she
courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not
understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper
was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door
open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary,
who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran,
sitting on two duffel bags!"

Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging
about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit. The first man said his
son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just
the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales
firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his
was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his
best friend the money to buy a house.
The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about
how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and
hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the
other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer
Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred
approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept
going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was
alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this
morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put
the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and  coming...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go
fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack
my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home
in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his
wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk
pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court
on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd
like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this
weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs
forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you
do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram,
your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is
your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. 
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded
156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison..."

A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he
was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were
examining the little thing, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his
tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician
unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and... guess what he
found? The birth control pill!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out
drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up
the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I
screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the
closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'
....and she's always sound asleep."

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed
the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of
energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and
down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of
energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him
across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the
funeral!"

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent
filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the
women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No
one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done
today. 
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to
the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man
and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then
we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third
man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" 

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he
can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs,
causing you to stutter." So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?". To which the
doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to
cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops
stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut
off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes.
He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the
line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you!

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking
through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he
didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told
them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The
frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash
helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was
amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all
the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his
wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on
board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained
that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking
his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were
females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last
wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr.
Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl's school, asked during class,
"Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the
appropriate conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and define the
conditions." Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, "Mr. White, I don't think that is a
proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this." With that,
she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the
same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, "The pupil of the eye,
in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. White. "Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say
to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And
three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their
sex lives. Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he
does." Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his
incredible shaft."
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call
your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked
Joanne.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other
of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long
life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary...
Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like
we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up
in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in
the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon
and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next
day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies,
"Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit. Third
was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fourth was a
tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within. Fifth was a
fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher,
his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee. Seventh was
a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a CUNT!

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a
strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid,"
answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I
was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his
wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone
who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen,
would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The
woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the
witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the
gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The
woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But
there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to
bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after
you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you
felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and
murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and
yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date.
When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says
to her, "How about a blowjob?" 
"What! Are you crazy!" 
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend. 
"No! Someone might see us..." 
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it." 
"No! I said no!" 
"Baby... don't be like that." 
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her
hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you
blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for
God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper,
but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been
delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know
very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "Yes, I know
that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was." 

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to
the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in
her eye, said,   "Nope.  You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty
romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her
companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." 
The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then
she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The
old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The
elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and
send chills down my spine." 
This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the
couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something
I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the
other room to get my teeth!"

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from
her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on
the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied,
"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a
husband." Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked
on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter
replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever
get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again,
this time
coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching
television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She
asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken
into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk
sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to
populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam looks puzzled at
God, "Lord, what is a kiss?". God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush
and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord!
That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Puzzled again
he asks, "Lord, what is caress?" God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the
bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said,
"Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed
done. I now want you to make love to Eve." Puzzled yet again, "Lord, what is make
love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few
seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give
you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you
can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues
to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their
faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart
and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father
[never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father
said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left
in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told
the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while
urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and
blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a
man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so
great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there
and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it
be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he
went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if
Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of
thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his
misdirection while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was
good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes,
multiple orgasms....."

A couple was playing golf when one of them hit the ball and it strayed, breaking a
window in an ajoining condo. The wife said, "Maybe we should go there and see if
anyone was hurt." The husband agreed and they proceeded to the building. They
located the place where the window was broken, opened the door, and there, sitting
on the floor and a bit dazed was a man. "We are the people who hit the ball and broke
your window. Are you all right?"
The gentleman replied, "Yes, I'm find. And I want to thank you. The ball you hit
through the window struck a vase that was sitting in front of it. I am a genie who has
been trapped in the bottle for thousands of years!. What can I ever do to repay you for
freeing me? "The couple said they didn't need anything. The genie replied, "There
must be something you want in return for freeing me. Think of your heart's desire and
let me grant you each your wish."The wife replied, "Well, it would be lovely to own a
huge mansion with servants so we can have our friends over whenever we want."The
genie replied, "Your wish is granted!" He said to the husband, "Think of your heart's
desire and let me grant you your wish."The husband replied, "I could use $50 million
so that I can stay at home with my wife and we can visit our friends together."
The genie replied, "Your wish is granted!" The couple thanked the genie and asked if
there was anything they could do for him, as he had been so generous. The genie
replied, "Well, I hope you don't misunderstand this, but I have been locked in the
bottle for so long, I don't remember what it is like to have intimate relations with a
woman. Could I please make love to your wife? "The couple looked at each other and
agreed, since the genie had been so wonderful to them. The genie and the woman
went up the stairs to the bedroom and began to make love. The genie asked, "How old
is your husband?" The wife replied, "He's 31." The genie then asked "And how old are
you?" The wife replied that she was 28. The genie said, "That's a little old to be
believing in genies, isn't it?

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just
had another fight with the little woman". "Oh yeah", said Eddie. "And how did this
one end"? "When it was over", Harvey replied. "She came to me on her hands and
knees". "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? "She said, 'Come out from
under that bed, you gutless weasel'"!

A couple of women were playing golf on a sunny Sunday morning. The first of the
twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole. Indeed the ball hit one of them and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony. The women rushed down to the man and immediately began
to apologize. She explained that she was a medical assistant. "Please allow me to
help. I'm a medical assistant, and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow
me," she told him earnestly. "Ummmmph ooooohhhhh nnnnnoooooooo, I'll be fine in
a few minute," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch. She persisted and he finally allowed her to
help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, she loosened his
pants and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. After a few minutes
she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my
thumb still hurts like hell!"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple
wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed
and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and
asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied,
"No problem at all Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too
bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we
made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went
to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two
weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the
young man replied sadly."What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was
reaching for a can of corn on the topshelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick
it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You
understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the
pastor. "We Know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Foodtown anymore
either."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper on the first ring, "Hello? Feeling put
out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your
Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?", the man
asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk
with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes.", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was
not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just
leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is
there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the
child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he's busy.", whispered the
child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the
Fireman.", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he
heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss
asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice
the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed,
concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for
me!"

An old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next
day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which
is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened,and the
man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even
called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but
nothing." The doctor was shocked "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man
replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

There is a mental institution and a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
out like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie
replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good
trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops
driving his imaginary car and ask, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I
just got into Chicago" "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and
goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says.."I'm
screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the
dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening,
she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand. 'Is THIS what
you've been using on me for the past 10 years?' 'Honey! Let me explain!' 'Why you
sneaky bastard!' she screamed. 'You impotent SOB!!' 'Speaking of sneaky!' he
interrupted, 'Maybe you'd care to explain our two kids???

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that
he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor
replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I
can tell my wife."

Once there was 3 guys that where in the middle of the ocean because they crashed
their boat. All of a sudden a fairy came out of no where. The faiery said to the three
men " ill give each one of you one wish". The first man said " i wish i was back in my
house next to a warm fire" . BOOM !!! he was back home next to a warm fire. the
secound man said " i wish i never came to this trip". BOOM !!!! he was back in his
house and he didnt remember anything about the trip. The third man said " Well im
gettin kinda lonly can u bring my two friends back"

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes
downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and
says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother,
totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My
wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring
the kids?"

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of
you go." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female Employee: "And I'm a
woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." To which they all turn to look at
the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I
think I might be gay..."

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus, sets him up on the bar and says "I bet
anyone in here 50 bucks that my octopus can play any musical instrument you hand
him. One guy walks up with a guitar and says, "You're on." He lays his 50 bucks on
the bar and hands over the guitar. The octopus proceeds to tune the strings and begins
to play a wonderful classical rendition. Everyone's aghast! The guy collects his 50
bucks. Next guy brings up a trumpet and lays his money on the bar. The octopus takes
it, plays with the valves for a moment, and proceeds to play a wonderful jazz riff. The
guy collects his money again. The bartender leaves and comes back a few minutes
later with a set of bagpipes and lays his 50 bucks on the bar. The octopus picks it up,
turns it around, looks at it some more, turns it over again to get a different
perspective. After a few minutes of this the guy is getting impatient and asks, "What
are you waiting for? Why don't you start playing it?" The octopus looks over and says,
"Play it? Hell I was trying to figure out how to get her pajamas off!!"

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough
frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys
do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member "I don't think this is going to
work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's
just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to
the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says
Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies,
All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my
forehead and pulling my ears." 

There is a woman who is really depressed because she can't get a date.Her main
problem is her huge ass, and her under endowed chest. So, she goes to her doctor and
asks for help. He hands her a roll of toilet paper, and says, "Rub this between your
breasts 3 times a day" .She says," well what the hell is that going to do???".The doctor
replies, "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass didn't it?!" 

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a
small private airplane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the
best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a
parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one
and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live" and jumped out. The lawyer then
said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, "I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute
and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and
full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.  "Take the last
parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest
and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my
back pack".

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving
an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would
you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one
minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear
raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I
got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the
diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary I got my
wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls,
she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The Biker then
took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old
lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go
fuck herself."

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head  and his leg so he
writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem.  A few days later he
receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The
spotted handkerchief will cover your  bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will
be just right as a pirate."  The  man thinks this is terrible because they have just
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and
he receives another parcel and a note, which says  "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your  wooden leg and, with your bald head,
you will really look the part."  Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone
from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel
and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee
apple!"

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor:
"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you
get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red,
sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, "I'm a Sperm." She will answer, "I'm
the Egg." From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you
understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up
immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He
knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back
and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace
but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Three men, who were lost in the forest, were captured by cannibals. The cannibal
king told the prisoners that they could live only if they pass a trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king explained
the trial to him. “You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expressions on
your face. Or you’ll be eaten.”
The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain. So he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.  When the king explained
the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2….3…..4…..5……6…..7…..8….. and on the ninth berry, he burst out in
laughter. And was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.  The first one asked, “Why did you
laugh? You almost got away with it.”
The second one replied, “I could’t help it. I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples.”

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an
hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you
tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the
woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

There was a fourth grade boy and a fourth grade girl. The fourth grade boy
came by the fourth grade girl's house with a football and teased the girl saying,
"Ha Ha! You can't have a football cause your a girl."  The girl goes to her mom crying
so her mom buys her a football. The boy got angry.  So the next day he comes by with
a boys bike and teases her saying,  "Ha Ha! You can't have a boys bike cause your a
girl!"  So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boys bike. The boy gets very
mad. So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of
these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!!!" She goes crying to her mom
and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress and says,   "My mom said as long as I
have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!"

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The
man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it
between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what
he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three
times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your
legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me
crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition
such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh,
I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the
bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots
and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her
and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to
discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her
skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to
her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little
smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack
and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily
from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How
dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping
carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep;
the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold
and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?" The woman
leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're
married." "Why not," laughs the man.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

This blonde wakes up in the middle of the night to find her house on fire.
Panicked, she dials 9-1-1 and screams "My house is on fire, you've got to come put it
out".
"Okay, ma'am, could you tell us how to get there?"
and she says "Duuuh, in the big red truck!"

A lawyer and a blonde were sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leaned
over to her and asked if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and
dozing, just wanted to take a nap, so she said no and rolled over to the window to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persisted and explained that the game was really easy and a lot of fun. "I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
She still didn't want to play and tried to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, said, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you
pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she
is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
That caught the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this
torment unless she played, she agreed to the game.
The lawyer asked the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde didn't say a word, reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill and
handed it to the lawyer.
Then it was the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three
legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looked at her with a puzzled look. He took out his laptop and searched all
his references. He tapped into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection
to his modem port and searched the internet. Frustrated, he sent E-mail to all his
co-workers, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he woke the blonde and
handed her $50. The blonde politely took the $50 and turned away to get back to
sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little baffled, woke the blonde and asked, "Well, so
what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the
lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and
the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was
declared the fastest swimmer. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the
shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in
front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to
complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think
those two other girls were using their arms."

One day a blonde, brunette and redhead walk into the elevator of their apartment
building. As they enter they see a white puddle on the floor. The brunette bends down
looks at it and says, "Ya that's the white stuff!"
Then the redhead bends down, smells it and says, "Oh ya that's it alright!"
Then the blonde bends down, taste it and says, "Sure it is! But it's no one from our
building!"

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave
$10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM.
Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to
go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind
the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note...  
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

This blonde walked into the telephone office and told the man working there that she
wanted to call her mom who lived in Belgium. The man told her that the call would
cost her about 75 dollars. The blonde then said she just couldn't afford that much. So
the man said, "maybe we can work something out for you, let's go to the back room."
When they got there the man told her to get on her knees in front of him, which she
did. The man then said, "well, unzip the pants". So she unzipped his pants. Then he
said "take it out" which she did. Then he said "put it to your lips", and she did. The
man then said "well, go ahead". The blonde, having it to her mouth said, "hello,
Mom?”

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a pint of
Guinness. As they're sitting at the bar enjoying each other's company, three flies come
buzzing along and land in each man's drink. The Englishman pushes his beer away in
disgust. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his brew and goes on drinking. The
Irishman holds his fly over his drink and starts yelling, "Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it
out!!

PENIS STUDY In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the
head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they
concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more
pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research,they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Ireland, unsatisfied with these findings,
conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the
forehead.
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey to have a drink. The monkey starts
running all over the bar eating everything in site, a couple olives some lime slices and
the cue ball off the pool table. The bartender yells at the guy did you just see what
your monkey did? The guy says no, so the bartender tells the man and the man said
that damn monkey is always eating everything I'm sorry let me pay for the damages
and leave. A week later the guy returns to the bar with his monkey and as soon as he
sits down the monkey jumps up on the bar and grabs a maraschino cherry and sticks it
up his ass then eats it, well the bartender was just disgusted at this and yells to the
man did you just see what your monkey did? And the man says yes ever since he
swallowed that cue ball he measures everything first!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, "And get me a
whisky, you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And
get me another whisky, you bitch!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you
twice for a coffee, go and get it now, bitch, or I'll give you a slap."
Next minute, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the
emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him
and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: "Our largest condom
factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favorite form of
birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you.", replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms
ASAP to tie us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Clinton. "Oh, and one more small favor,
please?", said Yeltsin.
"Yes?", replied the President.
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said
Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the
President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms
right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each
one."

Two blondes were on opposite banks of a river One blond yelled to the other, "How
do I get to the other side?"
The other one yelled back, "You're already on the other side."

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said,
"and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair and more than generous, your honor," the husband said. "And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the
confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said,
"Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my
boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them
into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me
of my sins?"
"NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf
War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their
husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked
several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an
explanation.
"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"
One Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines"

Two Arkansas people are walking down different ends of a street toward each other.
One is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy say, whatcha got in
the bag?" "Just some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"Hell, l'll give you both of them!" "OK. uummmm......five?"

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and
build things to be self sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He
thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak
English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and
the padre points to a rock and says, "this is a rock."
At which the chief looks and grunts, "rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst
of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly
responds, "riding a bicycle."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so... how could
he kill these people??
The chief calmly replied, "Him riding MY bicycle."

A consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at
the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says
"Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the consultant.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you
lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the consultant . "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Three women escape from a correctional facility...a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
They're being tracked by prison guards, dogs, local police, state police, the sheriff and
his deputies.
In an attempt to hide, they seek cover in a barn. As they hide in the barn, it becomes
obvious the authorities are heading towards the barn, so the three women decide to
hide up in the loft area inside gunny sacks.
The sheriff and a deputy arrive first to check out the barn for the women. They find
nothing on the main level so the deputy checks the loft area. After a quick visual scan
he hollers down to the sheriff, "nothing up here but some hay bales and three gunny
sacks." The sheriff says to check the sacks so the deputy kicks the first sack
containing the brunette, and she responds with a convincing "woof-woof", the deputy
kicks the second sack with the redhead inside and she lets out a perfect cat meow...
The deputy says to the sheriff nothing up here but some dogs and cats, then he kicks
the third sack with the blonde and she yells...potatoes!!!

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through
the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter
closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did
anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either.
Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you
did in your life, I'll let you in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was
driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down,
and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I
got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the
leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain
running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members
formed a circle around me. "So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and
smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around
and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch
of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About ten minutes ago."

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.
When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while
Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, I thought I told you to be quiet! Jerry says, Hey, I
tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled by me, I didn't make a sound, when that
bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep, but when those two
chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, "Should we take them with us or eat
them here?" then I COULDN'T KEEP QUIET ANY MORE!!!

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following
scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply
imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people
place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law
they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they
return their customers' money in the form of a company check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to
their banks. The name of the company:
"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"

Jesus and Moses are golfing one day, and they reach a very difficult hole. Moses takes
out a three wood, and drives it onto the green with his first shot.
Jesus then takes out a one wood, to which Moses replies "Are you mad!? I just hit
clear to the green in one shot with a three and now you're going to try a one!?" "Tiger
Woods would use a one," replies Jesus. He hits it straight into a water trap.
"So there" says Moses, who then parts the water and lets Jesus get his ball out. Jesus
tees off again, with his one, and hits it into the water. Moses parts it again and Jesus
gets ready to tee off again. He uses the one, and the ball goes right back into the
water. "That's it" says Moses, "I'm not getting the ball out if you won't listen to me."
"Fine" says Jesus, "I can get it out myself." He walks off towards the water trap.
Before he gets there, however, the group behind them comes over to play the hole,
and watch with amazement as Jesus walks across the water, pulls out his ball, and
finally chips it onto the green.
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ!?" exclaims one of them. "No," replies
Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great biznessman of my
time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school
teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the
plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him
answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving...., he
ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these
mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for
the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he
entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by
accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into
bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a
sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs.
He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what
are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!"
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!"
"God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her
family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!"

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father
down on a sofa in the main aisleway and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me
help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would
stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several
more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows
in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Cowboy gets all dressed up in his rhinestone shirt, his black stetson,snakeskin boots
and his best pair of wranglers. Walks into the bar and orders a Lonestar beer.
The woman a few stools down turns to the cowboy and asks: "Are you really a
cowboy?"
The cowboy replies: "Well, all ma' life I have been drivin cattle, breakin'
horses,ropin'steer,and fixin' fences. So I reckin' I'm a real cowboy. Why, what are
you?"
The woman says proudly: "I'm a lesbian."
"What's a lesbian do?" asked the cowboy.
To which the woman says: " I think about women all the time. When I wake up, I
think about women. When I go to bed I think about women. Whether I am
eating,sleeping or watching tv, I am always thinking about women." After a few
drinks the woman leaves.
A couple walks up to the bar. The female admiring the cowboys' shirt asks: "Are you
a real cowboy?"
"Nope." says the cowboy. "No ma'am,about five minutes ago I found out that I was a
lesbian."

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional
unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover
for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a
woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery.
"Priest says: "How many times? "Woman: "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two Hail
Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.
"A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I
have sinned. "Priest says, "What did you do? "Man says, "I committed adultery.
"Priest asks, "How many times? "Man replies, "Three times. "Priest says, "Say two
Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.
"The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes
later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned. "Rabbi
says, "What did you do?" Woman replies, "I committed adultery. "Rabbi ask, "How
many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a
special this week, three for $5.00."

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him
in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army
pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken
in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and
burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her
left knee.

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had
the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times
last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn
from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is
over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last
year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is
ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the
same cow."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by
the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into
the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels,
he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a
booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't
believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with
the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that
restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to
the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and
he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark
glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Monica Lewinski stops in at her neighborhood dry cleaner and places a dress on the
counter. She tells the clerk that she wants the dress cleaned and needs to have a stain
removed.
The clerk being a little hard of hearing, looks at the dress and then up at Monica and
says "come again", not quite hearing everything that she had said.
To which she replies, "no, this time its just grape jelly".

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to
press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's
position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his
hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And
now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

A blonde got on a plane headed for Hawaii. Instead of sitting in Coach, where she's
supposed to sit, she sat in First Class. A little ways through the flight the flight
attendant comes up to her and says, " Madam, you have to go to Coach."
The blonde replies, "No, I'm going to Hawaii." Finally, after arguing with her for a
few minutes, the flight attendant goes to the pilot and says, "Sir, there's a lady in First
Class that is suppose to sit in Coach and she won't go."
"Show her to me and I'll go talk to her."
So the pilot went and talked to her. She picked here stuff up and went to sit in her
assigned seat.
The flight attendant asked, " How'd you get her to move?" The pilot replied, " I told
her that First Class wasn't going to Hawaii."

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman -- because her new husband
is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate
suites so that the old fellow not over exert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is
expectin. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They
unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she
prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready
for more action -- somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling which is
again successful. After which, the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second
time when there is another knock at the door, and there he is again fresh as a 25 year
old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie - as they are laying in afterglow the young
bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go
for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for
one." The old man says ' Oh - was I here already?'

John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard to figure out. None of the pieces
fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming
over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw pieces on the
kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's
sake, put the Cornflakes back in the Box."

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going
to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she
sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I
guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would
she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes
I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and
can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs
and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood,"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get
it!"

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely
stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells
him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be
no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the
garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous
woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.