Bill Grates' Credit Card Application

25 September 1995

From: Citiwide FSB
666 Avenue of the Americas
New York NY 10023

To: Mr. William Z Grates the 8th esq.
Tin Pot Software Inc.
1 Virus Way
Windowville PX 90210

Ref.: Your Gold Visa Card Credit Application

Dear Mr. Grates

We thank you for your recent written application for a Gold Visa Card with our
esteemed establishment.

Prior to issuance of your new Gold Visa Card there are a number of items on the
application which require further explanation.

1) The entry for your last name appears to be erroneous. Unfortunately we can find no
record on our database of over 4.5 billion people world wide who have a last name of
"God".

2) Social security numbers are normally 9 digits long and have a specific format of
###-##-####. Your entry of simply "1" does not meet the aforementioned criteria.

3) The characteristics of a normal address are firstly a number followed by the name
of a road. Subsequent lines usually include a city, a state of residence and a zip or
postal code. An identifying country for overseas applicants should also be included.
Regrettably your submission of "Heaven" is inappropriate.

4) Although the formats of dates of birth vary from country to country the
requirement as indicated on our application specifically asks for "Month - Day - Year"
format. Day 1 just does not cut it.

5) With reference to the line marked occupation we note that you wrote "Master of
the Universe". As is the norm for all new applications, we checked both the personal
references you supplied and received a somewhat different answer, to with;

Reference A says:

The last I knew he was planning this huge scam which involved some massive blue
chip company in New York and he was going to sell them a right bill of goods for
millions and millions of dollars. He said not only was he going to get a shit load of
money but after it was a done deal and they read the small print they would find that
all they had bought was a load of floppy plastic things. The stuff on them still
belonged to him and each time they tried to sell one of these things they would have
to send him a kick back. He said the best of it was though, was that he still hadn't
dreamed up what to put on the floppy plastic things and he could make any old crap
up.

Reference B says:

During our days at school together I was always disgusted at the peddling and
pimping which he undertook. The sale of dirty needles, bad acid, dried tea leaves
mixed with the cannabis, cocaine diluted with talcum powder, water mixed with the
vodka and whiskey and of course all the prostitutes had to have either VD or
gonorrhea. The fast money he made for the shitty services he provided and a take it or
leave it attitude certainly left a bad taste in many of his punters' mouths (and their
bloodstream).

6) The box for annual income clearly has sufficient room for a standard entry of up to
7 digits. The $2,000,000,000.00 you tried to fit in their cannot be read by our digital
imaging computer (which we note is running on Tin Pot Software) and we ask that
you amend this to a size more in line with the available technology. Furthermore,
should you insist on including a figure which is almost as large as the national debt
we will of course require proof of income which should be in the form of a recent
weekly pay stub or a pay packet if you are paid in cash.

7) We have on our applications numerous boxes for existing financial obligations,
mortgage payments, car payments, alimony, other regular financial commitments and
miscellaneous. We are unable to accept "I own you" and "You owe me" as suitable
answers to these questions and we ask that you refrain from being supercilious in your
reply.

8) Finally, we always include a couple of lines entitled "Please list any other pertinent
information which may help us in assessing your application". Regrettably your
answer of "Please see attached" is inadmissible especially when we found a 35,000
word diatribe in manuscript format accompanying your application. Further review of
this manuscript led us to believe that your intentions are not altogether in keeping
with the goodness of our fellow man, specifically:

a). You wanted the manuscript published in the New York Times and the Washington
Post.

b). O J is as guilty as hell

c). Michael Jackson is a pedophile

d). Serbia should be nuked out of existence

e). Saddam is a wuss

f). Orville Redenbacher made crappy popcorn

g). President Clinton is an arsehole and so is Bill

h). Tin Pot software is crash proof

i). I am God and I am never wrong

And other seemingly endless manifestations and propaganda which are far too lengthy
to go into here.

You may reply in a similar format as to the outline of this document and until such
time as we receive your reply we regret to inform that on this occasion your
application for a GOLD VISA CARD has been "DENIED".

Should you have any comments or suggestions you may write directly to:

The Equal Opportunities and Fair Trades Commission
666 Avenue of the Americas
New York NY 10023

and mark your envelope "Another stupid crybaby who has been refused credit"

Yours faithfully

The Credit Department.