Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Real women don't have hot flushes, they have power surges.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

All generalizations are false.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth-control.

I'm not as you think as you drunk I am.

Forget about world peace...think about using your turn indicator.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats ...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Forget the Jone's, I keep up with the Simpson's.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you are an idiot.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the Tax Man

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Don't tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

Tax Man: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Warning: Dates on calendars are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

i souport publik edekashun.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those you can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?