•What's the perfect Christmas gift for the person who has everything?
A broad spectrum antibiotic.

•Why do women love Santa Claus?
He comes only once a year, but when he does, he fills their stockings!

•Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper that sold his soul to Santa?

•We were so poor when I was young that we couldn't afford ornaments for our
Christmas tree. We had to sit around and wait for Grandpa to sneeze.

•What do you call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

•All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.

•What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.

•What does Santa call reindeer that don't work?
Dinner.

•What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.

•Did you ever hear of Adolph the brown-nosed reindeer?
He could run as fast as Rudolf, he just couldn't stop as fast.

•Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

•Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

•How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
They both have ornamental balls.

•Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

•Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

•What do you call 12 days of blowjobs during the holiday season?
Hanukah Lewinski

•What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.