ELECTROCUTION
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF
THE POWER
IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would
be going to
waste. Check the victimâs pulse (if you can find their wrist
amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And
do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest
emergency room. You can use him/her to jump start the engine as
well if need be.
TREATING BURNS AND SCALDS
Run the affected area under cold tap water as soon as possible
(if the
victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames, it may a little
too late
for this). If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes,
then
REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of
you
parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off
their injury. Remind
the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an
example.
FRACTURES AND BROKEN LIMBS
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted
in a
tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through
the bloody mass
of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going
to die. That
always perks them up. Tie a splint to the victimâs leg and
ask them to walk
back and forth for a few minutes. They will probably fall down
unconscious,
making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or
fractured limb,
as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're
feeling
daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists
through 180
degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions
you
can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
CHOKING ON FOOD
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victimâs windpipe
by punching them
hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles
of food hit you
in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent
reduction on the
bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.
CUTS AND WOUNDS
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood
loss by tying a
tourniquet tightly around the victimâs throat unit they
experience difficulty
in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above
the wound.
Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught
you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
OBJECTS STUCK IN VICTIM'S EYE
Rinse the victimâs eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP
AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victimâs eye with your
teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away"
and not bothering the
victim any more before you can get to it.
CONCUSSION
When the victim comes around, ask them what day it is, who the
President is,
how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult,
hold the
fingers up behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorient the
victim a bit
more. Yes, there's a whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes around, switch off
all the lights.
When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be
dead, or blinded or something."