Women's Bumper Stickers
Everyone should start the day with a smile:
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH
PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS
ARE JUST BETTER
RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE
QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD
PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE
BODIES.
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When people see my cat's litter box,
they always say, "Oh
you have a cat?" Just once, I'd like to say, "No, it's
for
guests."
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my
husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.
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Two gas company servicemen, a senior
training supervisor
and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley
and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a
woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as
they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged
his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to
the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger
one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind
them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from
the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured
I'd better run too!"
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A mother had three daughters, and on
their wedding day, she would
ask each of them to write home and tell her about their sex lives.
The first wrote back on the second day after she got married.
The
letter arrived with only a single message, "NESCAFE".
The Mother was
confused at first, but finally noticed a Nescafe coffee ad on
a
newspaper, and it said: "Satisfaction, to the last drop..."
So, the Mother was
happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent
home
a letter. There was only one message, it read; "BENSON &
HEDGES." So the
Mother looked for a Benson & Hedges' ad, and it says: "Extra
long, King
size." The Mother was happy.
After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to
receive a message from her baby. It took 4 weeks for a message
to
arrive.
When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS."
The Mother was
concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at
home for
a British Airways ad. She finally found one and fainted. The ad
read:
"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways!"
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GST UPDATE
Prime Minister Howard announced today that the GST would definitely
apply
to the penis because it provides a service. The way the tax will
apply
was difficult to decide. This was due to the fact that 40% of
the time it is
hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20%
of the time
it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of
that it
has two dependants, and they are both nuts.
Effective from July 1st 2000 a penis will be taxed according to
SIZE: -
10" - 12" - LUXURY TAX
8" - 10" - POLE TAX
6" - 4" - PRIVILEGE TAX
4" - 2" - NUISANCE TAX
Males exceeding 12" must file under Capital Gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. (PLEASE DO NOT
ASK FOR AN
EXTENSION).
The Taxpayers Association is still awaiting clarification on a
number of
questions raised in this new tax, including: -
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
What if one's penis is self-employed?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
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SIPPING VODKA IT'S FUNNY
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to
talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy,
junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat
me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's,
not a Peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
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These are actual questions e-mailed to
the Olympics info line
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name.
It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
(Hint: It's not the kangaroo!)
I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
(Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question,
who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower...)
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
(Another intellectual giant...)
Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to
Perth to
avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
(Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held
in
Sydney)
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks?(Sweden)
(Sure, it's only four thousand miles or so, so you'll need to
have
started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for this
October...)
Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
(And accomplish what?)
Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
(Beats me, but try it underwater)
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
(Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...)
Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
(No. Everybody stinks.)
Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
(This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...)
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
(Yes. Gay nightclubs.)
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
(Yes. At Christmas.)
Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
(Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
(What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?)
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
(Another blonde?)
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
(I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia)
Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
(Face North and you should be about right)
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
(No trouble though with distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)
Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)
(Yes. Outdoors.)
I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
(Sure..anytime)
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What I Want In A Man, Original List ...
(at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ...
(at age 32)
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ...
(at age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ...
(at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ...
(at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Snores lightly only when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forget why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ...
(at age 72)
1. Breathing
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A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards,
the
doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you
something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong
with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly,
but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby
is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...
er... features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean
it has a penis... AND a brain?"
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I am a Woman
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any, shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
Can get a massage, without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends, about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit, to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles, at any cost.
And I don't have a problem, admitting I'm lost.
I never forget, an important date.
You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies, with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay, to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Would you look at my face, Not at my chest!
I don't have a problem, with Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
Get it, you prick?!
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HANDY EXERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR
HOSPITAL
EXPERIENCE:
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man
to probe you with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell
One-Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have
your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on
your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a
paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while
practicing your smile and repeating: "mild
discomfort".
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from
ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will
alternately puncture your wrist with a Robertson
(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a
knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung
from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly
up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
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Actual Letters Sent to Landlords...
"The man next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous."
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children
until it is cleared."
"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from
the man next door."
"The toilet seat is cracked: Where do I stand?"
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
from wall."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the
kitchen."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces."
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it."
"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
funny color and not fit to drink."
"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am
an old age pensioner and need it straight right away."
"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My
wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable
for us."
"I want to complain about the farmer across the road.
Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is
getting too much."
"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my
wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with
clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
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A Gentleman had a serious problem. He
had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but
found it to be occupied.
A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps,
and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir,"
she said, "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use
it if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed
to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring
the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised
not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters:
"WW", "WA", and "PP", and there
was one red button labeled "ATR". Who would really know
if he touched them?
He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so
he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently
upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The Men's
restroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even
greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air
replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying
his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air
stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP"
button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant
scent of spring
flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far
more than a restroom, it was a placeof tender loving pleasure!
He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did,
he
pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes.
A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face...
"What happened?! How did I get here?! The last thing I remember,
I was in the ladies restroom!!!"
"You pushed one too many buttons.", replied the nurse,
as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked
"ATR" is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is
under your pillow."
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LOGIC TEST
Lets see how many of you are logical.......
I think the results could be low...haahaha
LOGICAL THINKING....
The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether
or
not you are qualified to be a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe
and
close the door.
This question tests whether or not you
are doing simple things in a
complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and
shut
the refrigerator.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe,
put in
the elephant and close the door.
This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly,
this one
may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are
attending the animal meeting!
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are
a true
professional. Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to
do but
there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger
flipper
in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs.
It's
the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not
require
any higher mental functions at all, such as a advertising .
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Embarassing story:
In Sydney, one of the radio stations paid money ($1000 -$5000) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories: This one netted the winner $5000.
"I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynaecologist.
Early one morning I received a call from his office to say I had
been
rescheduled for early that morning at 9.30am. I had only just
packed everyone off
to work and school and it was around 8.45am already. The trip
to his
office usually took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time
to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort
over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going
to be
able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off
my dressing grown ,wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in
"that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care
to make sure I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car
and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes before he called
me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the
table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Cairns
or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little
suprised when he said "My, we have taken a little extra effort
this morning haven't we?" but I didn't respond.
The appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal, some shopping, cleaning and cooking
etc. After school my six year old daughter was playing and she
called out from the bathroom, "Mum, where's my washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another one from the cupboard. She
called back, "No I need the one that was here by
the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
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"Classified Ads"
The following were actually taken from
classified
ads in newspapers:
free yorkshire terrier.
8 years old. Hateful little dog.
free puppies:
1/2 cocker spaniel -
1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
free puppies...part german shepherd -
part stupid dog
German shepherd 85 lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
found: dirty white dog.
Looks like a rat...
Been out awhile..
Better be reward.
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
amana washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who
seldom washed.
snow blower for sale...
Only used on snowy days.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
tickle me elmo, still in box, comes
with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto,
excellent condition $6800
cows, calves never bred...
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
83 toyota hunchback -- $2000
star wars job of the hut -- $15
soft & genital bath tissues or
acial tissue 89 cents
full sized mattress.
20 yr. Warranty.
Like new. Slight urine smell.
free 1 can of pork & beans with
purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
for sale:
lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
nordic track $300
hardly used, call chubby
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Maybe we should all live our lives according to this simple rule ...
Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
First worm died.
Second worm died.
Third worm died.
Fourth worm was still alive.
Lesson:
As Long as you drink, smoke and fuck, you won't get worms.
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LEARNING CHINESE
That's not right: Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man: Dum Gai
Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone: No Pah King
You are not very bright: Yu So Dum
I got this for free: Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight: Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu
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Jennifer visited a psychic of some local
repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
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A man goes into a store and starts looking
around. He
sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on
them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer
and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do
you want to
buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues
to
look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable
face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and
subwoofers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you
want it or
not?"
"Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next
he finds
a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says.
"I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks
him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my
house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm
doing to his business."
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Lucky pigs
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves
to death.
(Creepy.)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly
seems
worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more
like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own
weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out? Ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine? And why pigs??)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez.) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is...lucky pigs...
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A couple is attending an Art exhibit
and they are looking at
a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture
depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park
bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a
pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the
Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this
painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand
why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the
middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black
penis."
The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting.
They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one
in the middle went home for lunch."
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This is a moral question for you. It
is an imaginary situation, but
it is fun to decide what you would do.
The situation:
You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress.
Many
homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructure
destroyed.
You are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service,
traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
Suddenly, you stumble across a Marine helicopter crash. It's Bill
Clinton's and he's struggling to keep from being swept away in
a
raging river and you have the choice of rescuing him or getting
a
Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President.
What shutter speed would you use?
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This story occurred on Melbourne radio
last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they
ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their
spouse or partner, ask them the
same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple
win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its Blah-FM, do you want to play
the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last
time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this
morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did
you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much
laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your
wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got
Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you
the same three questions
we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you
win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you
had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've
already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before
Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How
long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just
being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where
did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be
listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line
here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it
doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ARSE !
Radio Silence
Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before,
we're going live here, and sometimes these things
happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the
holliday. Now we'll take a music break.
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Nike now lets you personalize your shoes
by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your
shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form
and sent them $50 to stitch
"sweatshop" onto his shoes.
Here's the responses he got.. fun and games with
nike...
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Your NIKE ID order was cancelled for one or more of
the following reasons.
1) Your Personal iD contains another party's trademark or other
intellectual property.
2) Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we
do not have the legal right to use.
3) Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any personalization?
4) Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang,
and besides, your mother would slap us.
If you wish to reorder your NIKE ID product with a
new personalization
please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Greetings,
My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate
any of the criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD
on my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes was the word "sweatshop."
Sweatshop is not:
1) another's party's trademark,
2) the name of an athlete,
3) blank, or
4) profanity.
I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor
of the children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them
to me immediately?
Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD" >
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'" > Subject: RE: Your NIKE
iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen
contains, as stated in the previous e-mail, "inappropriate
slang".
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization
please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti" > To: "Personalize,
NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom
ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt
customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD
was inappropriate slang.
After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop"
is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means:
"a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long
hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its
origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria
detailed in your first email.
Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about
freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I
share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site
also says that "If you want it doneright...build it yourself."
I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal
iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop
workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will
value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to
reject my order.
Thank you, Jonah Peretti
From: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
To: "'Jonah H. Peretti'"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD Customer,
Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the
NIKE iD website that "Nike reserves the right to cancel any
Personal iD up to 24 hours after it has been submitted".
In addition it further explains: "While we honor most personal
iDs, we cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) others
trademarks, or the names of certain professional sports teams,
athletes or celebrities that Nike does not have the right to use.
Others may contain material that we
consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.
Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs
that may
otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you
know if we decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the
chance to submit another."
With these rules in mind we cannot accept your order as submitted.
If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization
please visit us again at www.nike.com
Thank you, NIKE iD
From: "Jonah H. Peretti"
To: "Personalize, NIKE iD"
Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000
Dear NIKE iD,
Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request.
I have decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would
like to make one small request. Could you please send me a color
snapshot of the ten-year-old Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?
Thanks, Jonah Peretti
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DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE FEELING IN
ANY WAY QUEASY!!!
Bizarre 'Sex Accidents' Suffered by Pervy Blokes...
When a 40-year old man turned up at a hospital asking to see a
doctor specialising in men's troubles, he was shown into a cubicle,
where he gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul smelling stained
gauze
from around his scrotum, which had swollen to twice the size of
a grapefruit.
On further inspection, it was discovered that his left testicle
was missing completely, and, embedded within the swollen, tender
and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the patient
confessed were one inch staple nails from an industrial staple
gun. It transpired that the man spent his lunch times alone in
his workshop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of
placing his penis on the moving canvas fan-belt of a piece of
machinery. One day, the excitement had caused him to lose
his concentration, and the fan-belt had snatched his scrotum into
the fly-wheel, throwing him several feet across the floor tearing
off his left nut. Rather than go to the hospital, he performed
first-aid on himself with the stapling gun, then went back to
work when his colleagues returned. It was two weeks before he
got around to visiting the hospital.
A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood
dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw
he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the
flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove
it, the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra
and ripped it to shreds.
A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from a night shift
to his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped
a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt
up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery
to restore the damage.
A 34-year old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his
penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse
with his girlfriend on not one but two occasions he noticed that
his erection was still at its full glory. Having struggled to
sleep through the night he woke up to find his boner still standing
proud, and, due to him worrying about the police finding out about
his possession and indeed the use of an illegal substance he decided
against visiting his doctor. However after three days of enduring
headaches and nausea caused by the constant trouser swelling,
he went to the hospital in search of help. He was admitted immediately
and transferred to a specialist who diagnosed lack of oxygen to
vital bloodstreams in his body as the cause of his sickness. He
was given numerous drugs and antibiotics to combat the swelling,
but shortly afterwards, developed blood clots in various parts
of his body and gangrene set in. As a result he lost both legs,
nine fingers and his penis.
You may want to grit your teeth before you read this !! this is
really gruesome...
When a mate was studying in Ireland (He got this from an Irish
student at the uni), he took up rugby. As his first season wore
on, the lads and him were eventually scheduled to play a team
which had a
reputation for violent play. Considering that they weren't the
most talented outfit to have ever taken the field, they decided
to accept the challenge with a "do or die" attitude
, hoping things would eventually swing their way. They didn't
and to make matters worse their star player dislocated his
hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was clearly in a
lot of pain, so they all stood back to allow the medic to, in
one swift movement, slot the hip back into its socket. Then Alan
began a long
blood curdling scream. To their horror, they realised that one
of his testicles had also been jammed into the socket and was
now firmly held in the place by the hip. Incidentally, Alan managed
to rip a vocal chord with his screaming.