Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell
has stepped in to clean up children's television. Last week he
Shouted Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the "Teletubbies,"
because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount
of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped
like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something
all gay people do.
But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright
rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party
and has been for years.
*** Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-toes
Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have
a gay old time!" Wears an orange dress with little
triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.
*** Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in
one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top
hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy
Daffy -- who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.
*** Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine.
Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick
turtleneck-sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.
*** Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though
he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor-dances.
Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend
named Wimpy.
*** Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name:
Bruce. Both wear
tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other
their "grappling
hooks."
*** Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses
like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes
to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous
Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.
*** The Pink Panther
'Nuff said
***Snagglepuss
Evidence: Another pink cat. Loves theater ("exiiit...stage
leeeft). Wears a bow tie and cuff links, and nothing else.