In the old days we had leaders who could change the course of history...
With the apathy of today it's a student taking an exam who does that

I can remember when kids used to run away from home...
These days, they defect, and you've gotta worry if they're gonna sue

In the old days, I was young and foolish...
Now, I am old and foolisher

People are complaining about Clinton's idea of foreign policy...
Nothing wrong with it that faith, hope and clarity wouldn't cure

In the old days a man used to get ahead with hard work and ambition...
Well, that and sucking up to the Boss

Roosevelt said "Walk softly and carry a big stick"...
Captain Kirk sez "Walk softly and carry a fully charged phazer"

All the health insurance companies are so thoughtful these days...
I was in the hospital and Blue Cross sent a get well soon card

In the old days a woman was known by the company she kept...
These days, it's for the company that keeps her

They introduced "staggered lunches" to the Maryland State Highway...
But it was nothing new to us. Hell, we'd all been drinking for years

President Hoover once promised the people "Two cars for every garage"...
We've exceeded that -- we've now got two cars for every parking space

In fact, in New York, you no longer get a parking ticket...
If you can find a space anywhere, the Police issue you a medal

These days a movie has to be exciting to draw people and make money...
They start with the end of everything, then work up to a climax

Pollution is so bad these days, Maryland may have to change its motto...
from "Where the turf meets the Surf" to "Where the debris meets the Sea"

There was "downsizing" in the good old days too...
Back then it meant a woman dieted and dropped a dress size or two

They say that "The more things change, the more they stay the same"...
Well, things are more like they are today than they ever have been before

In the good old days you got toys for Christmas...
Now you not only get clothes, but you want them

The term "Mad Money" used to mean a woman's hidden cash assets...
Now it refers to a physiatrist's fee

In the 50's we used to say that "The Atomic Age is here to stay"...
These days though, ya gotta wonder if we are

"Good clean fun" used to mean dating with no thoughts of sex...
These days, it means sex in the hot tub

In the good old days, when E.F. Hutton spoke, everyone listened...
Now when he speaks, they read him his rights

Remember when women went to the doctor to see if they could have a baby...
Now, they gotta check with the landlord first

In the good old days women stayed at home and kept house...
Now they're in the House and the Senate

Years ago, colleges were know as "Fountains of Knowledge"...
Well, they're still "fountains", but now all that flows is beer

In the old days women sought out men with a strong will...
They still do, but now it's the kind that's made out to them

In the old days people attended Church for the salvation of one's soul...
Instead of economic, business contacts and social motives

"Lover's Leap" once meant a mountain where the jilted committed suicide...
Now, it's the distance between the twin beds

In the good old days you gave a lot of thought to the hereafter...
Now your main thought upon entering a room is "What am I here after ?"

Remember when parents hated Rock 'n Roll, then you despised Disco...
And just when ya though it couldn't get worse, along came Rap