How to Drive Like an Old Lady (unless, of course, you ARE an old lady, in which
case continue doing whatever it is you're doing)

1.Drive with your hands at the 2 O'Clock and 10 O'Clock positions.

2.Slouch down in your seat so you can't see over the steering wheel.

3.You may disregard tip #2, provided you sit all the way back with your head tilted and resting on the headrest. Make sure you're looking at the roof of the car, and not the road.

4.You MUST be driving a really big car (any large four-door luxury car will do).

5.Drive at least 5 MPH below the speed limit, especially on the highway. NOTE: if you really want to over-do it, you should drive in the right lane.

6.Take at least 6.5 seconds to complete a lane change.

7.It is imperative that you make left turns without signaling.

8.If a left turn lane exists, be sure to have half your car in the turn lane and half in the regular left lane. Proceed to wait until there is no oncoming traffic within one mile to make your turn.

9.When parallel parking, do not signal. Simply stop next to the car in front of the spot you wish to occupy. This ensures the anger of the people behind you.

10.Execute your parallel park without regard for traffic behind you.

11.When exiting your car after parking, be sure to swing the door WIDE open. Please note: the preceeding is merely a recommendation. It has nothing to do with driving, however, it fully plays out your role.

12.When attempting to pass, drool a small bit down one side of
mouth. Be sure to make eye-to-eye contact with driver you want to pass.

13.If stopped for any traffic violation, you can use the excuse, "I'm trying to get home quickly. I coughed and I think I wet my pants."

14.If all else fails, babble and ramble on how policeman looks like your grandson who never visits, calls or sends cards anymore since he married that mean old girl. Crying always adds a nice touch.

15.You can always claim to have had a temporary stroke.

16.Under no circumstances can you drive through an intersection when the light is yellow. To be a more advanced old lady, anticipate that the light will be turning yellow as you approach the intersection. In this case, at every intersection, slow down to a stopping speed until you know that the light will still be green when you go through it.

17.Make sure to stay at least 50 feet away from the car ahead of you when driving
anywhere.

18.When driving anywhere where the speed limit is above 5 miles per hour, tap the gas and then immediately tap the brake, and repeat the entire way, to keep the people behind you safe from the high speeds.

19.When stopped by a cop, begin to tell him about how the same thing happened to his friend in 1912, during the war...