Characteristics of the Irish in jokes: Portrayed as stupid and dim.

It is interesting to note how many groups have used another group as the butt of
"stupid" jokes. Australians and the British use the Irish, the Americans use the Poles, the French use the Belgians, the Irish use the people of County Kerry, the Jews use the Jews of Chelm, etc.

Q: How did the Irish acid-bath murderer loose his hand?
A: Pulling out the plug.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Irishman out of a tree?
A: Wave at him.

Q: How do you brainwash an Irishman?
A: Give him an enema.

Q: Why did the Irishman refuse to be a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Because he didn't see the accident.

Q: What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

Q: What do you call an Irishman with a university degree?
A: A liar.

Q: How do you keep an Irishman happy in his old age?
A: Tell him a joke when he's young.

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?
A: Give him a card with "PTO" on both sides.

Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?
A: Put three spades on the wall and tell him to take his pick.

Q: Did you hear about the Irish lesbian?
A: She likes men.

An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere £150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint
Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad".

Then there was the Irishman who went surf-riding.
His horse drowned.

Have you heard about the Irish tug-of-war team?
They were disqualified for pushing.

Have you heard about the Irish cricket match that was cancelled because both sides
showed up wearing the same colours?

Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to use a coat-hanger to get them out.

A drunk Irishman staggers into Church, and goes into the confessional.
The priest says "Can I help you, my son?"
The drunk says "I dunno. Have you got any paper on your side?"

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman arrived in Sydney too late to buy tickets for the 2000 Olympics. Even the scalpers had nothing to offer.
The three were outside the main stadium and the cheers of the crowd were loud in
their ears and every so often the tune of a national anthem would blare out as some
athletic event was won.
"Well, we've come this far, laddies," said the Scot. "I'm not going to be beaten." So
saying, he looked around for inspiration and suddenly his eyes lit up. He ran to the car park fenced off with barbed wire held in place with long wooden stakes. He uprooted a stake, then stripped down to his singlet and underpants.
His companions watched as, with stake clasped firmly in both hands, he jogged to the competitors' entrance. They heard him say: "McFaddon, pole vault competitor", and watched amazed as he was admitted to the arena.
Inspired, the Englishman looked about; his eyes, lighted on the nearby cars. Without hesitation, he too stripped to his underwear, grabbed a hub cap from a nearby Holden and, jogging to the entrance, announced himself: "Lincoln, I'm expected for the discus event". He too was admitted.
"Sure now," muttered the Irishman, "three can play at that game". So saying, he
stripped to his underpants....
But the gateman was not deceived. This figure before him, wrapped in barbed wire
and dripping blood from the many small cuts it made was not "O'Leary, for the
fencing".

Young Patrick is walking down Dublin's main street. Suddenly a man leaps out at him and punches him in the face.
"There you are, Mick, that'll teach you!", The man shouts.
But to his attacker's surprise, Patrick just laughs.
"So Mick, you're laughing; I'll hit you again!"
"Ha ha ha!", laughs Patrick, "the joke's on you. I'm not Mick!"

Two men from Dublin were walking to the annual Dublin Fair when it started raining.
"Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining".
"I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it".
"Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
"I didn't think it would rain."

An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.
"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some
more stamps on it".
Says the Irishman in amazement, "And, if I put some more stamps on it, the parcel will get lighter?"

A young Irishman wanted to become a cop, and went for the rigorous entrance exam; the last question of which was "Who killed Christ?"
The would-be cop went home excitedly, and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I think they're putting me on a murder case already!"

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognise him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".
"I wonder if he'll recognise you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

And what about the Irish explorer who paid £10 for a sheet of sandpaper?
He thought it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

An Irishman and a Jew were in a pub watching TV late one night when the eleven o'clock news came on. The first sensational story was of a berserk woman poised on a window ledge seven storeys up.
"I'll bet you a hundred dollars she won't jump," said the Irishman to the Jew.
"You got a deal," said the Jew, sticking his hand out a few moments later when the woman plunged to a gory death. The Irishman sadly forked over the money and ordered another drink, only to look up in astonishment as the other fellow tugged on his sleeve and tried to hand the hundred dollars back.
"It's all yours," the Irishman protested. "You won the bet fair and square."
"Nah," said the Jew, "I saw it all happen on the six o'clock news."
"I saw it happen on the six o'clock news, too," said the Irishman, "but I never thought she'd do it again at eleven."

It was Sunday afternoon, and Pat and Mick were bored.
"Let's go to the pictures," said Mick, "we could see Moby Dick."
"I don't like them R-rated films," Pat replied.
"Don't be so daft," said Mick. "It's about whales."
"That's worse," said Pat, "I can't stand them Welsh bastards."

Three men, an Australian, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven. But when Saint Peter looks at his clipboard, he gets all embarrassed. Shamefaced, he explains that there's been a mix-up, and that the three shouldn't have been killed today at all.
To make up for it, Saint Peter says that they can ride down on the Heavenly slide back to earth, and if they yell out their favourite drink on the way down, then they'll land in a big vat of it, and they can drink to their hearts' content.
The Aussie is first on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Aussie beer", and he lands in a large vat of beer, and starts guzzling it down.
The Scotsman is next on the slide. On the way down, he shouts out "Scotch whiskey", and he lands in a large vat of whiskey, and starts to drink as much as he possibly can.
Last one to go is the Irishman. On the way down, he's having such a fun ride on the slide, that he shouts out "Wheeeeee".

Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."

An old Irish Army sergeant wasn't feeling very well late one night, so he went to the
doctor and had a check-up.
"When did you last have a drink?" the doctor asked him.
"1945," said the sergeant.
"That's a long time without a drink," said the doctor.
"It certainly is," said the sergeant. "It's nearly 2130 now."

On a small charter flight out of Dublin there were only four passengers. An English
businessman, a French priest, an Irishman who is the "Brain of Ireland", and an Australian mountaineer.
Suddenly, the pilot enters the cabin looking white-faced. He apologises for the inconvenience, but announces that due to engine failure the plane is about to crash.
"Regrettably there are only four parachutes," he announces, "but I know you'll agree that I should take one so I can report the cause of the crash". So saying, he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
The priest says he has a flock of five thousand souls to look after, and he is a very important person to them. He grabs the second parachute and out he jumps.
Then the Brain of Ireland steps forward and says he has to represent Ireland in the "Brain of the World" competition next month, so for his country's sake he feels he has to take a parachute. So saying, he jumps.
The Englishman turns to the Australian and says "Well, old chap, only one parachute left. What do we do now?".
"No worries, mate," says the Aussie, "there's still two parachutes; the bloody Brain of Ireland took my bloody rucksack."

On the other side of the Irish Sea, two Irishmen were travelling through Dorset when they saw a sign saying: CLEAN REST ROOM AHEAD. So they did.

And you'll remember also the Irishman who got a job as a doorman in a big building.
He managed very well with the PUSH and PULL signs, but he was seen struggling
with his fingers under a door marked LIFT.

Pat and Mick each had a horse, but they couldn't tell them apart. So Pat cut the tail off his horse, and all went well for a while.
But then Mick's horse lost its tail in an accident, so they were back where they started.
Finally, they consulted a wise man in the village where they lived and he said: "Can't you two fools see that the black horse is six inches taller than the white horse?"

Then there was Barry O'Loughlin who went to the doctor to get some medicine as he wasn't feeling very well.
"This is pretty strong stuff," said the doctor, "so take some the first day, then skip a
day, take some again and then skip another day, and so on".
A few months later the doctor met Barry's wife, and asked her how he was.
"Oh, he's dead," she told him.
"Didn't the medicine I prescribed do him any good?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, the medicine was fine," she replied. "It was all that skipping that killed him".

Paddy O'Connor goes to see his doctor: "Doctor, my sex life is terrible, absolutely
terrible!"
The doctor examines him, and says, "You need exercise. I want you to run every day, two miles a day. It'll improve your heart rate, your general well-being, your
self-image, your libido. Then call me in a week".
A week later, Paddy calls his doctor, says "Well, Doc, I've been running every day,
two miles a day, just like you said".
The doctor asks him "So, how's your sex life?"
Paddy says "I don't know. I'm fourteen miles from home."

An Irishman was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.
"They shouldn't put up such misleading signs," said the Irishman. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE".

What does an Irishman call his pet zebra?
Spot.

Did you hear about the Irish Rap Dancer who spent six hours in Myers looking for a cap with a peak at the back?

Then there was the Irishman who was stranded for an hour in a supermarket when the escalator broke down.

An Irishman got a job as a lumberjack, but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance, he saw an advertisement in a shop window for chain-saws "guaranteed to fell sixty trees a day".
So he bought one, but the best he could manage was twenty trees a day. He took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it.
"Let me look at it," said the man in the shop and, taking the chain-saw, he switched it on.
"Heavens above!" exclaimed the Irishman, covering his ears with his hands, "What's that noise?"

Paddy was sent to jail and was sharing a cell with two others.
"What are you in for?" he asked the first.
"Stealing a few bales of straw," he replied.
"And how long did you get?" asked Paddy.
"Six months," he replied.
"And what are you in for?" Paddy asked the second.
"Rape," he replied.
"And how long did you get?"
"Seven years," he replied.
"Heavens above," said Paddy, "you must have stolen a whole acre of the stuff".

A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left
profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:
"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".

Did you hear about the Irish kidnapper?
He enclosed a stamped self-addressed envelope with the ransom note.

Did you hear that the Irish Republican Army recently purchased a thousand septic tanks?
As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade England.

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Irish burglar"

"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police
station. "An Irishman molested me!"
"How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the Sergeant at the desk.
"I had to help him" she gasped.

A Irishman suspected his wife of infidelity and began to follow her movements. Sure enough, his suspicions were justified. Coming home from work early, he burst into the bedroom, catching his wife and her lover in the act; and, crazed with grief, he put the pistol to his own head.
"Don't laugh!" he shouted when his wife burst out in giggles, "You're next!"

The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser.
So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making passionate love to his wife.
The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working.
One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day".
Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".

Why did the Irishman spend all night outside the whorehouse?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage critical to his survival.
Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off me".
The American says "What's really needed here is good old American know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout the day."
They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the car window."

Did you hear about the football game between Italy and Ireland? The Italians all started arguing about who was going to kick off, and they all walked off the field.
Half an hour later the Irish team won.

An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are marooned on a desert island for five years. One day, while walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant each of them their dearest wish:
"Ah," says the Italian, "let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful." BANG! He vanishes.
"For me," says the Jew, "I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people." BANG! He vanishes.
"Gee," says the Irishman, "it's so hard to choose what to ask for. I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide."

Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for shore.
"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.
Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?".

Lick the cover of a book of matches, then bend it back so the matches are exposed.
Stick it to your forehead.
Ask, "What am I?".
An Irish miner.

A stranger walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Hey, mate! Have I got some terrific Irish jokes for you blokes".
The barman leans over to him and says "Listen; if I were you, I'd watch your tongue:
All of the bouncers are Irish; I'm Irish, and I ain't no midget; and almost every man in here is Irish".
"Oh, that's okay," said the stranger cheerfully, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y".

Did you hear about the Irish hunters who got themselves all set up for a weekend of duck-shooting? They gathered their guns and the dogs and the ammunition and their orange hunting hats and tramped about for hours; but with no luck whatsoever. And when they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters, who were all carrying large bundles of dead ducks.
"Gee," said one Irishman to his companion, "everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong?"
"I dunno," said the other. "Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough".

A real estate agent is showing a new four-storey house to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behaviour. On every landing, the estate agent stops, opens the window, and shouts out: "Green side up!". Finally, the young couple ask him why.
"I've got some Irishmen laying down the new lawn," he explains, "and I've got to
make sure they do it right".

An Englishman, a Irishman, and an Abo moved to Perth seek their fortunes; renting a flat there together. The Englishman and the Abo got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Irishman finding employment. Finally, one evening he announces to his flatmates that he has landed a big interview for the next morning at nine o'clock.
So, setting the alarm clock well ahead of time, he goes to bed.
In the middle of the night the other two sneak into his room, smear his face and hands with black boot polish, and turn off his alarm clock. At 9.05 the next morning the Englishman and the Abo wake the Irishman up: he leaps from his bed, pulls on his clothes, and dashes off so as not to be late for his critical interview.
The interviewer invites him in with an apologetic expression on his face. "I'm sorry to have brought you here for nothing," he says, "but I'm afraid we simply don't employ Abos."
"Abos! What are you talking about?" spluttered the Irishman. "My name is Daniel
O'Connor!"
"I'm so sorry, Mister O'Connor, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy."
"But I'm not an Abo!"
"I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're an Abo, but have you
looked in a mirror lately?"
The Irishman gets up and goes over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at
his undeniably black reflection, he stammers, "Oh my God, they woke the wrong
bloke!"

An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at
folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.
The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the
earth.
Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his
safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman,
plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"

Did you hear about the guy who made a million dollars in Ireland selling Cheezels?
He sold them as doughnut seeds.

Did you hear about the Irish car pool?
They all meet at work.

Q: How come Irishmen don't go elephant hunting?
A: They get too tired carrying the decoys.

Q: Why don't Irishmen become chemists?
A: They can't fit the little bottles in the typewriter.

Q: Why do Irishmen wear two condoms?
A: To be sure, to be sure.