Characteristics of Jews in jokes: Portrayed as money-grabbing, stingy, sly and
untrustworthy in monetary matters.

Q: How can you tell a Jewish house?
A: Toilet paper on the washing line.

Q: What's another way you can you tell a Jewish house?
A: Padlocks on the rubbish bins.

Q: How can you tell a Jewish house at Christmas?
A: Parking meter on the roof.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney and says "Hi kids! You want to buy some presents?"

Q: Why do New Yorkers have glass rubbish bins?
A: So the Jews can go "window shopping".

Q: How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A: Someone dropped 20 cents down a rabbit hole at a Jewish Convention.

Q: Why do Jewish wives keep their old bras?
A: So they can make Yarmulkes for their husbands.
(For those that don't know, Yarmulkes are those funny little caps that Jews wear on their heads).

Q: What's the difference between pizzas and Jews?
A: Pizzas don't scream in the oven.

Q: Why are Yankee dollars green?
A: Because the Jews pick them before they're ripe.

Q: Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
A: Because someone dropped a twenty-cent piece.

Q: Why do Jews have such big noses?
A: Because air is free.

Q: What happens when a Jew with a full erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.

Q: What's a Jewish dilemma?
A: Free ham.

Q: What's the definition of a queer Jew?
A: A Jew who likes girls more than money.

Q: Did you know that the limbo was invented by the Jews?
A: Yeah, it was from sneaking into pay toilets.

Q: Why do Jewish wives use gold diaphragms?
A: Their husbands like coming into money.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?
A: A chain of empty retail stores.

Q: What's the difference between karate and judo?
A: Karate is a form of self-defence, and judo is what bagels are made out of (Jew dough).

Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin.

Q: Did you hear about the time when Marilyn Monroe slept the night on the steps
outside the Hollywood synagogue?
A: She woke up in the morning with a heavy dew (Jew) on top of her.

Q: What does an Jewish American Princess (JAP) make for lunch?
A: Reservations.

Q: How do you know when a Jewish American Princess has had an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.

Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl from fucking you?
A: Marry her.

Q: What's the definition of Jewish foreplay?
A: Two hours of begging.

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and poverty?
A: Poverty sucks.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "None, dahling, I'll sit in the dark..."

Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a patient six months to live?
When the patient couldn't pay, the doctor gave him another six months.

Did you hear about the tramp who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, - I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself" she replied.

Q: How do you say "fuck you" in Jewish?
A: "Trust me!"

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
"Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse".
"Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
"Well, Morrie, how's your warehouse business going?".
"Oy vey, Abraham, it's not going so good, we had a flood last week."
"So, Morrie," whispers Abraham "How do you start a flood?".

Solly meets Morrie walking down the street.
"Morrie, what's up? You look as though the cares of the world are on your shoulders".
"Solly, the worst thing has happened. You know my son, Lou, the best son a man ever had? He worked hard, passing all his exams in medical school. Became the best surgeon in the city. I sent him to Israel as a reward, and what happens? He comes back a goy! (Note: a "goy" is a Christian.) I'm going to the rabbi for advice".
"Funny you should tell me this, Morrie, but you know my son, Leon? A better son wasn't known of. Works hard, passes all his exams in law school. Graduates top of the class. Becomes the best lawyer in the country. To reward him I sent him to Israel. What happens? He comes back a goy! I'll come to the rabbi with you".
They go to the rabbi, tell their story and the rabbi says "Oy vey! Do I know how you feel? Mine son, Moshe, works hard, passes all his exams to become a rabbi. Becomes the best Talmudist in the country. As a prize I sent him to Israel, and he comes back a goy!".
The three men decide to make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to pray for God's guidance at the Wailing Wall. They arrive at the Wall, and tell God their sad stories, when all of a sudden there's a clap of thunder and a terrible voice booms down from the sky: "You think you've got problems? I have this fine son called Jesus, he goes into the family business, I send him to Israel to become the Messiah, and you know what? He comes back a goy!".

A Jew asked his rabbi why God had created gentiles.
"Well," came the answer, "someone's got to buy retail".

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up
the collection plate.
The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in
the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God (to use for the
parish) and all that landed outside was for himself (as living expenses).
The priest said that his system was similar: He just drew a straight line, tossed the
money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and the church, and that
what landed on the other side was for himself.
The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same line: "I just toss the plate up in the air," he explained, "and anything God can catch he can have, while I simply take what's left."

Israel Moses, living in New York, married a Black woman. One day their boy came
home from school very disturbed.
"What's the matter, son?", asked Israel.
"Am I a Black or a Jew?"
"What's the problem?", asked his father, "You can be both".
"No," said his son, "you see, a boy at school has got a radio he's selling for five
dollars, and I don't know whether to bargain with him or to mug him!"

Why did God give the Jews two stone tablets of Biblical Commandments?
Well, first of all, God had offered His Commandments to the Germans. "Impossible!"
they replied, "What's this stuff about thou shalt not kill? It's natural to kill". And so
they refused them.
So then God offered them to the French. "What's this rubbish about thou shalt not
commit adultery?" they exclaimed, "It's in our blood! It's part of our way of life!". And so they refused them too.
So eventually God offered them to the Jews. "How much are they?" asked the Jews.
"They're free" came the reply. "In that case, we'll take two!"

Just after the Six Day War between Israel and Egypt, a TV reporter had an interview with the Israeli general, Moshe Dayan.
Reporter: "Tell me, general, how did the Israelis finish the war in only six days?"
"Well, we only had the tanks on a week's approval!"

Priest is sitting in his confessional, hears an old man's voice on the other side of the
screen. Old man says, "Father, I'm seventy-nine years old, I've been married to the
same woman for fifty years, always faithful. Then yesterday I made mad, passionate love with a pair of eighteen-year-old twins".
Priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
Old man says, "Never - I'm Jewish".
Priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?"
Old man says, "Oy, I'm telling everybody!".

An American, an Australian, a Englishman and a Jew are all in a plane that's about to crash. "Let's make a pact," they say, "Whoever survives will put $200 in the others' graves to speed them on their way to the next world, and to thank God for surviving".
The plane crashes and the Englishman is killed. The others go to his funeral; and, as agreed, the American puts $200 in notes into the Englishman's grave. The Australian also solemnly contributes his $200. The Jew writes out a cheque for $600 to the Englishman, puts it in the grave, and takes the $400 change.

Amongst the survivors after the sinking of the Titanic, there's two Jews in the swirling water; one can swim, but the other can't.
The Jew who can swim grabs a piece of passing wood, and tries to get across to the
other Jew to help him stay afloat, but the current is too strong and he can't reach him.
So he yells out to the struggling Jew: "Can you float alone?"
The other Jew shouts back: "This is no time to be discussing business!"

Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Israel and Abraham find themselves on the
same overturned lifeboat. The water is freezing, sharks are cruising by, and the boat is slowly sinking.
"Oh, well" said Israel, "It could have been worse".
"Worse? How could it be worse?", screamed Abraham.
"Well, we could have bought return tickets!"

Solly and Moses were also on the Titanic when it went down. They scrambled aboard a lifeboat, and then, out in the middle of the ocean, Moses starts crying and wailing, and making a terrible scene.
"What are you crying for?", asks Solly, "It's wasn't your ship".

A Jew and a Chinaman were in a pub together. The Jew brought up the subject of
Pearl Harbor, reprimanding the Chinaman for the disgraceful role his countrymen had played. The Chinaman protested vehemently, pointing out that the raid had been made by the Japanese, and that China was in no way to blame.
"Japanese, Chinese, they're all the same to me " retorted the Jew.
Pretty soon the Chinese fellow started talking about the tragic sinking of the Titanic,
asking the Jewish guy if he didn't feel some degree of personal responsibility about it.
"Hey, wait a minute!" protested the Jew: "The Jews didn't have anything to do with
the sinking of the Titanic - it was sunk by an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg," said the Chinaman, "they're all the same to me."

Sammy Davis Jr. stepped onto a bus in Jacksonville, and the bus driver said, "Nigger, get to the back of the bus."
"But I'm Jewish," protested Davis.
"Then get the hell off!" replied the driver.

Little Sarah swallows a $1 coin.
"Quick!", shouts her mother, "Send for a doctor!"
"Doctor? Rubbish!", shouts her father, "Send for Abraham Goldberg! He can get
money out of anybody!"

While on his parish rounds, Father O'Brien comes across three children playing
together - two small strangers and Michael O'Connor, one of his flock. He stops, is
introduced and - thinking of his priestly duties - tells the children he'll give $2 to
whoever can answer the question, "Who was the greatest man on earth?"
The boys think for a minute and one of the strangers, Mark Bunyan, bursts out:
"President Kennedy".
"Sure now," says the priest, "he was a good man all right, but not the greatest. Come now, Michael," he prompts, "you should know this if you remember your catechism".
"Well, Father," says Michael, "I'd say it was Saint Patrick because he brought
Christianity to Ireland".
"No, Michael. It's a good answer, but not the right one," says the priest, and he
confidently repockets the $2.
But Isaac Goldstein, the other stranger, pipes up: "It was Jesus Christ".
The priest pays up, but with a puzzled air. "Isaac" he asks, "surely someone of your faith doesn't believe that?"
"Oh no, Father. I know Moses was the greatest. But business is business".

This Black guy was walking down 125th Street, kicking rubbish out of his way, when he spotted something that gleamed strangely. It turned out to be an oddly shaped brass bottle. When he rubbed it, a Jewish genie appeared.
"I'll give you two wishes" intoned the genie (not the usual three wishes; after all, it is a Jewish genie).
"Far out" says the Black guy, "First, I'm sick of being Black - I wanna be White,
uptight and out-of-sight. Second, seein' how I love having women hanging around me all the time - I wanna to be surrounded by sweet, warm pussy".
So the genie turned him into a tampon.
The moral of the story? You don't get anything from a Jew without strings being
attached.