10)  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."

9)  "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking
through a telescope into hell. I'd  rather use  binoculars to stare
at the sun.)

8)  That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being
shot out of the guy's ass  like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky
& Bullwinkle.

7)  Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus.  I'm just   guessing, but I seriously doubt
the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey  into
Kiki's "tunnel of  love."

6)  People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.

5)  People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the  emergency room.  Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving,  pyromaniac, anal sex
fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
lighter before I admitted the truth.  Call me old fashioned, but I just
can't imagine looking  at a doctor and saying "Well Doc., it's like
this.  You see, we have this gerbil named  Raggot and we took this
cardboard tube..."

4)  "First and second degree burns to the anus."  Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and   discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome
relief?  How does one ever take a healthy poop  after something like
this?  And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of  G-d's green earth.

3)  People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert  rodents up their butts."

2)  What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1)  This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get  a whole new image of the Osmond family.