Weight Watchers - Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a
chance of spelling them correctly.

Girls: Too old to go on an 18-30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your
garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Attempt your own corrective laser eye surgery by removing the back of your CD
player and then staring into it whilst it is turned on.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's arse,
filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your
mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it repeatedly with a
mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about its demise will correspond with the number of lives that remained.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling
water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the
boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time
you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their
guide dog isn't looking.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Fed up with oral sex? Stop your girlfriend from giving you blow jobs by marrying her.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down
with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under the
tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to
speak.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding 2 bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.